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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

14 month old being aggressive - how to deal with it??

18 replies

Hybrid · 14/07/2010 23:27

DS is getting really quite aggressive with other people and DH and I aren't really sure how we should be dealing with it.

DS will try and poke, pinch or slap other children or sometimes throw objects across the room. I know that this is all part of their learning but I feel I need to let him know that this behaviour isn't acceptable. The throwing is particularly difficult as we're happy for him to throw balls and balloons but then suddenly we seem to be changing the rules on him when it comes to remote controls and heavy toys!

What should I do with a child of this age? We tell him 'no' and wag a finger at him and if he persists then it's more of the same with a raised voice but he really doesn't seem to get it. We've tried ignoring him and praising him when he does what we ask. We've also tried pretending to cry with the other patting to make better but there doesn't seem to be any comprehension there.

I look like quite a neurotic parent when we're out at parties etc as I'm constantly running round trying to make sure he doesn't hurt other children.

He's normally extremely cuddly and loves giving out kisses but I just need advice as to how to nip this in the bud!

Any help much appreciated!!

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bumpsnowjustplump · 15/07/2010 00:05

We went through the same thing and i got some good advice here.

If I am holding him i say stop. If he continues to do it I put him down or stop playing with him etc.

I then get him to stroke my face while i say "say sorry" (obviously he cant say sorry yet) but the stroking of the face signals it.

I had a thread on the subject and got some good advice I will try and find it for you...

bumpsnowjustplump · 15/07/2010 00:13

here

Hope this helps... I can say that ds is a bit better. He still hits but not as much as before and when he does I belive he now knows it is wrong as he does show signes of being sorry... i am taking this as a good sign

Octaviapink · 15/07/2010 06:05

At 14m it's really not aggression as he doesn't understand yet that other people are real things and can be hurt - he's just testing out new motor skills. When you react (whether positively or negatively) you reinforce, so the best thing is to ignore the behaviour and distract, distract, distract.

Original poster

Hybrid · 18/07/2010 22:41

Sorry for the delay in responding but thanks so much for your replies.

Bumps - I checked out your thread which was great. I actually think we're doing a lot of the recommendations which is reassuring and am sure it'll just be a phase that he'll grow out of. It's good to know we're roughly on the right track and that it can improve!

I do know it's not really aggression but it's just awful thinking all the mums are warily watching DS and herding their children away from him - which really, they need to at the moment!!

Thanks once again for the great advice.

OP posts:

pluperfect · 18/07/2010 22:54

Definitely had this here, too, although it was later, about 18-20 months. Despite his being older, he was no closer to empathy, and was shoving and all sorts of things - noticeably more aggressive than the other children. It was very wearing. I took him home once or twice, but that seemed a bit pointless, with his being unable to remember why I did it, so I just took him aside and talked to him about what he did (trying to create a memory of the incident, I suppose).

However, the reinforcement of no-shoving and making saying sorry into a habit has now (2 1/4 yrs) borne fruit; he rarely pushes, and will say sorry.

Sorry that's slightly the wrong time-frame age-wise, and that it is so long-term, but there really is hope.

One last thing: is he walking? My DS only started walking around 14 months, so he was probably busy with that and therefore not that aggressive at 14m. If yours has achieved it already, perhaps he needs a new "distraction"! If he cannot walk, perhaps that is his frustration. The behaviour I described above seemed to cease with an explosion of language, so it seems that my DS's frustration was lack of language. Strange, but he became a sweeter 2-year old than 20 month old!

Hope this helps!

pluperfect · 18/07/2010 22:59

Just missed your last post. As for the "herding other children out of the way", that is gutting, but we must all accept that toddlers aren't in control of their instincts, and can't be trusted. It is the mothers we have to trust! I have been such a mother, and will again be one as my "Darling" S reverts (as he is bound to do). I am right with you, on the helicoper parenting, and sometimes feel quite jealous of the parents who can afford to be more negligent. However, it all comes round. I have a friend whose DD1 was a perfect lady while my DS was - well, not. She recently said that the little one (at just gone 2 y) had become very defiant and wanted to do things for herself, and ran around. I just had to laugh at her wounded surprise: welcome to my world, I told her! Not being nasty, but it does happen to everyone, so we have to laugh about it.

moajab · 18/07/2010 23:01

I went through a similar phase with DS2 when he was about 13 - 15 months. I would tell him firmly no. If the behaviour was repeated then I strapped him into his buggy fro a couple of minutes. He would then howl, which I would ignore. After a couple of minutes I would let him out and watch him carefully, saying no firmly again if he showed any signs of hurting anyone. He also got lots of praise, cuddles etc. when he played nicely. It took a bit of time, but he grew to understand that agressive behaviour meant buggy and no attention. He's 5 now and has just compleated his first year at school and is probably one of the most unaggressive boys in his class!

divadollz · 19/07/2010 14:16

I am really glad you started this thread, because low and behold my 14mo is also hitting, biting and scratching and it is hard to know what to do. He only does it to me and my dh (so far) but it's just a matter of time before he starts going for other children.

I say no and he laughs at me. I have tried the gentle stroke on face but it can soon be followed by grabbing/scratching.

So hopefully he will get it sooner rather than later that this behaviour is bad by us saying no and walking away. It's hard though!

shufflebum · 19/07/2010 14:22

divadollz my DS is the same, he's 15 months but just laughs when I say no. Thankfully we don't have the biting or scratching but he loves to hit and throw things. With the hitting especially I think it is the noise it makes (nice slap noise on bare skin!) during the day I just distract him or walk away but he often does it at night as I'm trying to get him to sleep. I'd love to just put him in his cot and walk away but I'm doing gradual withdrawal atm so don't want to destroy that!

divadollz · 19/07/2010 16:30

Ah well shufflebum, looking on the bright side, our lovely sons have the health and strength to be active! Although, hopefully we will be able to add mild-mannered to that list some time soon!

Original poster

Hybrid · 19/07/2010 21:01

Pluperfect - that's so interesting what you say about this kind of behaviour possibly being linked to frustration. DS IS walking - has been for a couple of months - but isn't talking at all so there could be something in that (or do I sound like I'm just clutching at straws???).

I do think there is a fascination in the whole cause and effect thing; suddenly he gets a totally different kind of attention and probably finds that quite interesting. I think we probably need to be more calm when we say 'no' rather than saying it as loud as we do.

And Moajab, I'm so heartened to hear how lovely your son is. I honestly don't think DS is a monster or anything but it's just nice to know that silly thoughts of having an aggressive child are just that - silly and not any indication of how they will grow up.

Good luck to all of us (and all those poor children just within grabbing distance!)

OP posts:

pluperfect · 19/07/2010 21:25

I'm glad it was of interest, Hybrid. I do find it frustrating sometimes, in these talk topics, when people are not specific about what stage their little one is at, and therefore whether it's fair to compare them. At least that's my excuse for being so numbingly verbose about the circumstances surrounding this or that phenomenon....

shufflebum · 19/07/2010 21:32

The bright side, yes must remember the bright side!

pluperfect · 19/07/2010 21:36

There *is" actually a bright side to all this, you know!

"The squeaky wheel gets the grease."

"Active" (and sometimes troublesome) children can get a lot more attention if their carers are really engaged in trying to get them through and out of their negative behaviours. That kind of concentrated attention is less likely to be directed at an "easy" child, unless carers are very consciencious and make an effort to draw out the shy one rather than relaxing because "X will let me drink my coffee in peace."

So "all" we have to do is be that engaged carer, and protect our DCs from more negative feedback. Oh, so simple, innit?! But a strategy, of sorts....

shufflebum · 19/07/2010 22:00

So simple!
Have yet to talk to nursery but as far as I know DS only hits me and DH and I have to say it is mainly when he is being cuddled before bed. Nursery always say what a delightful child he is, so "easy" and therefore definitely not "squeaky"!!

pluperfect · 20/07/2010 07:58

Oh, no, an easy child! Horrors!

shufflebum · 20/07/2010 14:28

pluperfect · 20/07/2010 16:40

Hi, Hybrid, are you feeling better, now that you know you're not alone?

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