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How do you deal with your toddler hitting?

23 replies

DetectivePotato · 14/07/2010 18:58

My DS is 2.5. He hits us sometimes and it is very frustrating.

I have just heard DH smack him as he was hitting him continuously. I'm not a fan of smacking but I have done it when DS kicked me in the face recently whilst having his nappy changed.

DS keeps doing this. We usually put him up in his cot straight away. He hates it and screams. Then says sorry after. A little while later he does it again. He goes through phases, he doesn't do it all the time.

How do you deal with it?

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babyOcho · 14/07/2010 21:28

DD (2y 4m) hits me sometimes, esp when she is tired or frustrated.

I give her 2 warnings and if she does it again she goes on time out. She screams and hates it. But I then go and talk to her when she calms down and tell her that its not nice etc.
We try to be consistent.

She knows its wrong as when she role plays with her teddies she says its not nice and puts them on time out as well.

I wouldnt hit, isnt that what you are trying to get him not to do...so dont do it back.

DetectivePotato · 15/07/2010 09:44

"I wouldnt hit, isnt that what you are trying to get him not to do...so dont do it back." Sorry but that sounds slightly patronising.

I don't like hitting and I have had this conversation with DH that I would prefer it if he just held DS's arms back. When he kicked me in the face after a full day of playing up, unfortunately it was the only thing that made him stop. I'm not proud of it and I don't like it.

I also think that 2 is slightly young for time out (although I suppose putting DS in his cot is a time out). I've tried putting him on the stairs etc but as out stairs are in the living room, I don't have a hallway where I can keep him out of the way.

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littleducks · 15/07/2010 09:47

I use the naughty step,. i dont really give warnings for hitting, perhaps one but hitting me or his sister is a straight to naughty step offence and ds is well aware of that

If we are out he gets put in the buggy with straps on as i dont use the straps the rest of the time

pozzling · 15/07/2010 09:51

DD is only 23 months and really only just beginning to test the boundaries,but we do find that time out works for us. She usually gets one warning, unless it is something that she definitely knows she shouldn't be doing.

So, if her play gets a bit rough she would get a warning first, but if she came up and deliberately hit someone hard she would go straight to time out.

DetectivePotato · 15/07/2010 09:52

Yeah I don't give warnings for hitting either. Always unacceptable straight away. Just wondering how long its going to be before DS gets that. Arrggghhhhh.

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gingercat12 · 15/07/2010 12:55

DetectivePotato We are in the same position, and it is very embarrassing. On Monday DS hit me in the face in the changing cubicle in the swimming-pool AND started screaming. I am afraid I was shouting. People must have thought I hit him

When will this go away?!

We put him in his playpen when he is naughty, and he sometimes apologises, but I do not think time out really works on him yet. Or I cannot see it being a deterrent.

DetectivePotato · 15/07/2010 14:57

Good to know that others are in the same position. It makes me feel like less people will judge.

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WildSheepChase · 15/07/2010 15:03

My DS (1y 10m)has started hitting and having the most awful tantrums. He hits his head off thigns too.

At the moment the only thing that stops him is being gently but firmly restrained in my lap. It took 20 minutes to calm him down that way today.

nesomja · 15/07/2010 20:56

We have hitting and biting and have had it since ds was about 18 months old (he's 2 now). Mostly it is of us but sometimes of other children. I did get very upset about it at first, particularly when other parents were nasty about it (although I understand it's distressing to have your child hit). We actually went to a psychologist about it at the children's centre as it was upsetting me so much and making being with him so stressful.

We tried lots of things, including being firm (no effect whatsoever), warnings (worked for a while and then stopped) and taking him out for short periods (didn't work). He said 'no pushing' but carried on doing it. The successful things we did are outlined below. This is very much a work in progress and we are still using all these strategies.

We had a couple of approaches. One was seeing it as a sign of stress and being over-tired, and so if possible changing the environment e.g. taking him away for a quiet nappy change, a bit of 'mummy time' upstairs or maybe leaving the playgroup. That often works.

Another is to see it as a 'skills deficit' - he wants to be social but doesn't yet know how. I read something which says that children this age often don't know what we would prefer them to be doing and when we just say 'no' then they don't learn alternatives. So we say things like 'No biting- if you want to show mummy you love her you can give her a cuddle'. This has worked really well. When we go into a playgroup I will start off by saying something like 'If you want to say hello to your friends, you can wave and say hello, we don't push our friends'. He almost always does then do what I have suggested although he does forget fairly frequently (the other thing which has helped me is to remember that children this age have very little inhibitory control, for them, to think something is often literally to do it!).

The last approach which we are using I call the 'cheerleading approach'. This involves a constant commentary on his good behaviour and how well he's doing when he's not biting/pushing (obviously only in high-risk situations, not all the time). So at the playgroup I will follow him saying 'wow, he's behaving so nicely with the other children, he's given that toy to X so well, what a friendly boy, now look, here comes Y, you could give her a wave and say hello, oh yes, that's lovely, well done, oh look, Y has a toy, she's playing with it now, well done, you let her play with it, that's really good sharing...' this is hard work but he absolutely loves it, I can see the smile on his face. I don't wait for him to behave nicely, I do it all the time he is not behaving badly as I see that all as good behaviour! I do this when I think he might hit me as well 'oh look you could give mummy a lovely cuddle, well done, that's so nice, what a nice friendly boy...'etc etc

HTH - we have shed many tears over this one.

Marrsy · 15/07/2010 21:18

Wow, I'm so happy to read this nesomja. We are going through almost exactly the same thing and I have had to withdraw from playgroups and playdates at friends houses leaving me feeling very isolated and frustrated. My DS (3) is very unpredictable, sometimes loving but most of the time pushing and shouting and getting very upset easily at various groups. I often encounter difficult parents who make a massive deal about it when he pushes their child. It makes everything so much more stressful. It's exhausting dealing with this and I haven't known what to do. I'm going to try your techniques because they make sense and I'm desperate to start having some relaxed fun with my gorgeous boy again.

Hope things work out for you too

nesomja · 15/07/2010 21:50

Hi Marrsy, our son is also very unpredictable! and it doesn't seem to be malicious or related to not getting enough attention - it really made sense to me to think about it as him not really knowing what to do to be social but wanting to be.
I withdrew from playgroups too and now go to a select few if I feel he is in the right mood - I think he gets very easily stressed and sometimes playgroups just aren't the right environment. I found being ready to leave if I felt he wasn't enjoying it, even if we'd just got there, was fairly crucial - even 5 minutes without pushing can be an achievement some days . We have adjusted things to try to fit with his needs - for example, for his 2nd birthday party we only invited 3 other children, all of whom he knows well, rather than having a bigger group which I think he does find stressful at the moment.

About the friends houses, we found that some children cope much better with the pushing than others and we selectively hang out with those ones if we can - I often don't get along with their parents so well but hey! Some children just collapse to the floor screaming at the first push whilst others just look a bit surprised or even give a litte push back...

Good luck with it - I was on a high the first time I managed to get through an hour at playgroup without any pushing (he then of course pushed another child at the end which I took as a communication to say he had had enough and we left).

DetectivePotato · 16/07/2010 09:44

Great advice there! After reading these my DS doesn't actually seem that bad (not suggesting for a moment that your DCs are 'bad').

I actually do the 'give a cuddle instead of hitting' thing, without even thinking about it. It makes sense that they don't know how to react to friends sometimes. My friends DS often used to come straight up to my DS and start pushing him but we genuinely thought it was his way of saying hello as he didn't talk half as much as my DS so we taught them to high five or something and they much prefer that, obviously they need reminding.

I also find that DS prefers children who are slightly older, he doesn't really like younger children or he prefers children that talk a bit more. He talks very well for his age and so does another little girl the same age and they get on really well, whereas others the same ago who don't talk, he doesn't seem to get on with.

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gingercat12 · 17/07/2010 13:58

Thanks for the great advice. I also tend to think that DS is a) trying to be social, b) very tired sometimes.

Once I told him off for pushing a little girl (he does not do this very often, he is mainly aggressive to me). He then went up to the girl, said sorry and said cuddle. He then went on cuddling and kissing her. I think this freaked her out completely. She much preferred the pushing. That was when we started to learn "If a girl says no, she means no." You can never start too early.

ZombiePlanB · 18/07/2010 16:33

great to read this - with the arrival of ds2, ds1 has become very aggressive. Will try these approaches.

good luck everyone - our brilliant boys will do us proud in the end!

annadin · 16/08/2010 20:03

Wow, thanks Nesomja! This is exactly the sort of informed and constructive advice I've been looking for.

My daughter is 2 and a half now, and when she got home from nursery today with Daddy I learned that she had hit one of her friends. I am DEVASTATED!

She hits me when she's very cross or frustrated, and I explain very firmly that it's wrong to hit, and ask her to try to use her words to tell me what she needs or why she's cross. I thought that she would only ever try this sort of behaviour on me as I'm the person in her life who she can most confidently try the boundaries with. But to learn that she has hit a child at nursery is mortifying. I don't know whether I'll be able to sleep tonight!

We're expecting a new baby very shortly, and my daughter's behaviour has definitely been more erratic and unpredictable for the last few months. I'm sure that she has been able to sense for a while now that things are about to change, and whilst we are trying very hard to keep things normal for her, I put a lot of the behavioural issues that we've been having down to the imminent arrival of a new baby in the house.

Our approach has been just to keep reinforcing with our daughter that this sort of behaviour is wrong and hurtful, but if she hits a child at nursery again I think we might have to do something more proactive... I don't know quite where we would turn next though to ask for help with this...

But thanks so much again for your post - invaluable!

lifeas3plus1 · 16/08/2010 21:18

My Ds is younger, 16months, and went through a hitting a kicking phase a while ago. I thought he was too young for time out so didn't bother with that and I don't use his cot has punishment because I don't want him to associate it with punishment and then have him refuse to go in it to sleep.

When he hit or kicked me I just put him down/turned my back and walked away and ignored him for a minute or 2. He would get upset that I was ignoring him then try and give me a cuddle so I would pick him up, explain that it isn't nice to hit/kick and give him a cuddle.

I had no idea at the time whether I was doing the right thing but it lasted about 3 weeks before he finally got the message. Haven't had a problem since.

Don't know how this would work with a 2yr old though. Sorry.

lifeas3plus1 · 16/08/2010 21:22

Oh and I also tried the "gentle hands" approach. Moving the hitting hand to stroke whichever part he had hit and saying, No Ds, Gentle hands. This was easier to use when out and about when I couldn't just walk away rather than at home where I could.

annadin · 16/08/2010 21:32

That's really helpful, lifeas3plus1, thanks very much.

I've been trying to do something along those lines, but I think I end up trying to talk the whole situation through with my daughter too much, which I'm sure just confuses her (she's only 2 and a half after all!!).

I think, having read your post, that I might immediately turn my back or walk away, and then talk it through with her when she comes to me for a cuddle.

One question - do you pick him up for the cuddle he's asking for as soon as he wants one, or do you enforce no communication for a couple of minutes before you cuddle?

SunnyDays06 · 16/08/2010 21:35

Naughty step worked for me. It did take a week or so but it worked! Good luck!

lifeas3plus1 · 16/08/2010 21:43

No, I didn't pick him up straight away. I thought that might make him think that it was ok to hit as he would get cuddles straight away anyway.

I just continued to ignore him. Not for long just for a minute and pretended to be busy, wiping down kitchen sides or something that's quick. Then when I had finished, then pick him up, go sit on the sofa and explain to him why I was upset.

lifeas3plus1 · 16/08/2010 21:47

PS, When are you due?

We're expecting another baby soon too. The 17th September so I'm quite glad we got over the hitting/kicking phase early.

I'm hoping something else doesn't pop up between now and then.

annadin · 17/08/2010 12:56

In about a week! Things are quite topsy turvy for her at the moment, poor little thing.

Thanks for the advice - I'm going to put it into practice around here and see how we go...

Best wishes for the 17th!!

Lucy88 · 19/08/2010 19:12

We had this problem with my Nephew. He started hitting at 18 months old and the stern 'NO' from his Mum had no impact on him at all. He comes to stay at our house, once a month, for a full weekend and was constantly hitting my DS (who would not hit back, as Nephew was younger). He hits virtually everyone he comes into contact with.

I introduced 'time out' much to my sisters disgust, as she thought he was too young. He is definately not too young. He doesn't get a warning at my house - if he hits, he goes on time out. It took a couple of weekends, but he does not hit me or my DS anymore. He still hits everyone else, but that is because my sister still thinks a firm NO will stop him.

Marrsy - you will probably consider me a 'difficult' parent, as I of course I make a massive deal when my child is constantly pushed and hit by another child., but I see it the other way round. In my circumstances I see my sister as the difficult one, as she doesn't do enough to stop her DS hitting people.

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