Nightmare behaviour at birthday party today.....what do you insist on for manners?

[IlanaK]

We went to a birthday party today with my 4 year old and alos my 14 month old. It was at ds1's nursery as they were having a funfair today and the parent decided to combine the party as part of it. Anyway, all was fine until one of ds1's friends was leaving and very politely came over to say goodbye to him. He turned his back on her and refused to say goodbye. Now, he has started doing this recently and pretending to be shy (he is NOT shy) and I suppose I have been letting him get away with it. But I thought it was so rude to this girl so I insisted that he say goodbye. WHen he wouldn't, it all kicked off. I said that if he didn't say goodbye, we would leave. He started a major tantrum at the table (they were just about to serve cake which he really wanted) and I had to drag him kicking and screaming into another room. I sat down with him and told him if he calmed down and said goodbye, I we could go and join the others for cake. I had to physically make him sit there and he escaped once and I actually had to chase after him. To cut a long story short, this went on for a while with him screaming like a wild thing. I gave him multiple chances but he just wouldn't do it. SO in the end we left.

I was totally mortified as this was in front of all the parents and nursery staff.

Anyway, what do you all insist on with your 4 year olds? He has a real block about saying "Hello" "goodbye" and "thank yoU". He is not shy and can chat the hindleg off a donkey when its on his terms. I think all the parents there think I am a crazy woman for doing this as I don't think they thought it was a big deal him not saying goodbye. ANd I know I could have let it go and just excused him for being silly or shy (As I have done in the past), but I was really fed up of him behaving like this.

Have done something similar to this and felt exactly the same - like I was over-reacting (by the other adults) and like I was being draconian (by DD).

I empathise - but seriously believe you are teaching your son valuable lessons.

Let's hope so

My son is 6 and will never say hello, goodbye and only sometimes says thank you or please. OK different situation as he has autism and genuinely doesn't seem to understand these phrases. He can converse fairly freely otherwise so it can look very odd. And he obviously has empathy as he will go and hug someone if they are upset. I do think that a 4 year old may have some difficulties in understanding a lot of polite behaviour and I think I would have let it go if it were me - I don't expect my dd who is a bit younger (3) to say goodbye etc - not sure when I will insist on it. YOu obviously know your son best and if your insistence has worked for future occasions then it was probably the right thing to do

My DD is the same! I am beginning to think that it is because she doesn't want a good thing to end, so won't say goodbye.

I am sure every parent there was completely sympathetic! Could be any one of us!

no way should you feel mortified! you did the right thing - most parents know what tantrums are! Had exactly same thing with ds making him say goodnight to dss friend last night.

came to this a bit late, but I wanted to say something.

My youngest son, aged 4 would NEVER tell anyone how old he was when asked his age. OK it's not such an issue of politeness, but it really began to worry me. He could count, he knew what 'four' meant, but he refused to answer this one simple quesion. I started a thead on mumsnet about it.

On the day he was five years old, I asked him his age and he said 'five' immediately. From that day on he happily answered the question whoever asked him. He told me he 'just didn't like being four'. He is still a stubborn little boy at school, as his teachers have found out.

Anyway, all the efforts I put into making him say he was 'four' went nowhere - bribery, reasoned talks, punishments - nothing. In retrospect I wish I had ignored the whole thing. I was one battle I should not have chosen.

its so embarrasing sometimes though isnt it? my ds has just started talking "down" to everyone. he doesnt actually say anything nasty, just tends to roll his eyes a lot and speak to people as if they are stupid. its more his tone of voice and expression. ive tried to explain to him why this is wrong but he doesnt understand.