Please help, i am so sick of my Childrens behaviour i am tearing my hair out!

[TitsalinaBumSquash]

My boys are 3 and 5, DS1 has a multitude of health problems and is being assesed due to his behavioural issues.

My DS2 is 3 and is a real nightmare, im sick of getting stared at everyday by people as i drag my son down the road screaming and biting and kicking and punching me, calling me an idiot ect, i have tried rains and a wrist strap but he just screams and tries to rip them off and continues abusing me.

He will not hold my hand and runs in the road, he is so destructive that his bedroom wall has huge patches gouged out of it and scrathches all over it, all the toys are broken becuase they both smash them up and although he was doing k at nursery he started to be very destructive there to the last few weeks.

They fight like Cat and Dog all of the time.

When it is just ds2 and me together he is a lovely child, he eats lunch beautifully he is funny, bright and loving, as soo as anyone else steps through the door or we go out to collect DS1 he turns into a horrid child.

I cant take them ANYWHERE if we need something from a shop i have to wait until the weekend so dp can wait outside with them becuase they just rip things off shelves ect.

Even the bllody childminder who picks a few of the children up from school has said she wouldnt have him becuase of his behaviour, i am so downtrodden i dont know what to do.

If DS2 behaves without DS1 being present then maybe there are jealously issues and he finds that he gets more attention by misbehaving.

If you have the attitude that they can't behave and will kick up a fuss, they most certainly will. How do you reward good behaviour?

First of all your not alone. I went through this and I'm glad to say DS 1 (6) and DS 2 (4) are now out the other side.

DS 1 has been diagnosed with Dyspraxia and is with the mental health team going through assessment for Autism.

Initially DS 1 was assessed as ADHD and the nursery who were very happy with his younger brother said they wouldn't be able to cope with him long term and I needed to consider other options, like wise I had a similar off record suggestion from his first school.

How do your sons react to praise and reward?

They sound a bit competitive - the fighting? Could you use this to your advantage and have a rewards chart with simple targets, stars and then when you get so many a reward?

My boys break toys, quite often, its rough play. Is it rough play or do you feel its deliberate breaking? We get most from the car boot sales. I find by storing the toys away in labeled boxes and allowing them to choose one box each, that they have to clear up before the next one comes out minimises the breakages. It doesn't stop them nor do they angelically pack everything away but the principal is there and they make a start.

How is your DS 1 on his own?

Do you still have a pushchair that DS 2 could be strapped into kicking and screaming if necessary, for his own safety by roads?

I think it is most definatly jelousy, DS1 has Cystic Fibrosis and is also being asses for Aspergus and ADHD he take an awful lot of managing, DS2 is noticabley worse around the times when i have to do DS1's physiotherapy/medication or managing a meltdown.

I just dont know what more i can do to make DS2 feel secure and not jelous though, he has a good few hours with me by himself after nursery and we have an hour before bed that is just us, having a cuddle and reading some stories.

I reward good behaviour with lots of over the top praise, for example if he is walking nicely holding hands i would say 'Oh DS your walking so nicely, Mummy is very pleased!!!!'

I ignore as much bad behavious as i can but i cannot ignre him when he is biting chunks out my legs and running in the road.

As for breaking toys, im not sure it just seems everything they get into thier hands imediatley gets thrown at a wall or kicked as hard as they can across the room regardless of what it is and books get torn to shreds.

I have tired reward charts they just dont seem interested, i have tried time outs and things as well and i have been consistant but again to no avail.

3 can be quite a challenge, but then again I'm dreading teenage.

I can empathise about the having to manage DS1 and keep DS2 amused at the same time.

We got an old Play Station 2 and a selection of lego starwars games which do the trick at present. When DS1 needs time for eating(when DS2 finishes quickly), dressing, washing, nail cutting, teeth brushing (all very time consuming) DS2 gets special time until DS1 is ready on the PS2. Its almost become counterproductive with DS2 encouraging DS1 to slow down from a snails pace to stop so he gets longer on the PS2. Oddly though DS1 who doesn't do mixing activities has become interested and now wants to get finished so he can watch and follow with the second handset.

When DS2 was younger I used to have a system he started the evening with 5 books with mummy at bedtime and if he played up he would loose a book - when it came to bedtime we rarely had more than 3 but that was fine.

How do you feel you manage with consistency? I find praise and recognition easier to dole out when I have just one of the boys. With both of them theres more to focus on and it can be easier to pick up on the challenging behaviour.

Destructive stuff is always distressing. We have a couple of constructive but destructive games that we play on rainy days. One is ripping up newspaper into tiny bits and screwing it into balls ready for lighting the woodburner. Its a bit messy with the print on hands but they love being able to be destructive without being told off. DS2 likes building towers with the paper balls, DS1 likes filling a bucket or container until its full. The other activity is splitting (rotten) wood. They each have a pin hammer and under supervision whack at rotten logs until they smash.

There are the old classics like magic paint - a pot of water and a paintbrush, could you paint the patio, fence, house for mummy please. Other than throwing the water over each other or turning the paintbrushes into weapons it can work.

Do you have many joint activities where the boys work together? As mentioned DS1 is autistic so I do get the challenges here but still there are some turn taking playing in parallel games and activities. My boys play
cbeebies together DS1 does the computer controls and DS2 tells him where to go.

Some days seam worse than others and I hope yesterday was one of those frustrating ones. Hopefully today will be better and over time things steadily improve particularly as you get towards the big 4 and full time school.

Remember that every child that looks angelic and perfectly turned out also has days of devil moments. oh and my favorite bit of all time parenting advice.... what ever it is its a phase.

Thanks for your reply.

I try to be as consistant as i can it is harder when they are together.

They just cant seem to keep thier hands off each other everytime i yurn round they are all over one another until one of them ends up hurt.

DS1 is a computer fan but DS2 doesnt like to play beucase of the baddies!

Im yet to find anything they will do together without fighting except smash cars into eachother but that eventually ends in a fight.

Im fine most the time, DS1 was so poorly as a baby/toddler he didnt do anything then DS2 came along and it was a shock to the system.