Controlling behaviour at bedtime

[Naetha]

I know I'm sure this is just a phase, but it is one that is driving me and DH insane and we are seriously reaching the end of our tether with it.

DS is 2.6 and generally a very happy helpful boy. He is a bit of a control freak though, and at bedtime he gets completely out of hand.

We have to do everything absolutely as he wants it or he has a screaming tantrum. With things like cleaning his teeth, HE always has to put the toothbrush back in the mug, HE always has to shut the tap off etc. If we get round to getting into bed and he remembers that he didn't put the toothrbush in the mug, we have to go all the way back to that point and then through all subsequent steps to avoid a tantrum. Every night he adds another thing that he has to have control over. At the moment he has a glass of milk with his story - he throws a tantrum if we turn the pages for him (even though he can't because he's holding his milk etc) etc etc.

I don't mind humouring him somewhat, but it is getting totally out of hand, I feel like we're jumping at his every command and bedtime is taking over an hour.

If I put my foot down / lose my temper and put him in bed, light out, walk out, he can scream for up to an hour, regardless of how tired he is.

Does anyone have any suggestions over how to get over this? He has us wrapped around his finger, and we need to take some control back before we lose the plot.

I would suggest it's a little bit of the 'independence' stage. My DS2, 2.10, is going through a lot of that at the moment - with brushing teeth, washing, choosing story, colour of milk cup, choosing which nappy (according to the picture on the front).

It is trying, very trying in fact, especially at that witching-hour time of night. Sometimes we're better at the patience thing, but when it's a case of wanting to move things along a bit I find giving them a limited choice (could call it an ultimatum I suppose) helps, ie. 'which of these 2 books do you want to read?', or 'do you want the dog or monkey nappy?' or (more of the ultimatum-approach) 'let Mummy help finish brushing your teeth and we can start reading your story.'

We have found that this assertion of independence goes in phases and is dependent on their mood at the time. Sometimes we have no issues with temper tantrums and at other times it can be pretty intense. I'm often torn between wanting to get things done and wanting to give the little ones the chance to develop. It is tough...

Same here. DD has just become a little bit more easy (2.6). I have removed many choices from the routine to keep it as slick as possible. I have a 7mo DS to put to bed too (on my own most nights). I know exactly what you mean about it getting out of hand. I have heard myself saying 'just pick a bear... any bear....'

We've also had to cope with early waking, moving from a cot to bed and potty training all since the middle of May. I think we're through the worst of it (HAHAHAHA) because I feel calmer. I think if you can get yourself as organised as possible (eg nightclothes and nappy ready) then this removes an element of debate. I've stopped bedtime milk as it was just going on and on and holding up teeth cleaning which held up the final toilet visit and so on.

Oh just remembered sticker charts featured a bit for things like teeth cleaning.

I realise this is jumping about a bit, but you have my sympathy.

Remember you're in charge!

You say its a bit of a control freak but I don't think thats so unusual in a 2.6 yo. Think they often need routine and to feel 'in control' as they try to adjust to the concept that they are an individual (not part of mum) and can influence their world. For most it is a phase but for some kids they do need the routine and feeling of control to feel secure.

You could try introducing something different and fun each night, just something simple like choose a teddy for bed tonight, stories on the floor with mum AND dad, 2 stories and he gets to choose the order, 2 toothbrushes and he chooses which, 2 diff types of toothpaste and he chooses which. The key is that its something DIFFERENT each night. The intention is to 'break' the need for absolute routine and allow him to see that being more flexible is OK.

That said we have a bedtime routine. its comforting for all of us and it does usually take up to an hour as we don't rush.

hth

ahh madame and I suggest completely opposite approaches...the beauty of mumsnet

Ah, Naetha, I could have written your post to the letter! I have a wee toddler dictator too and am also reaching the end of my tether about it! My DS is 2.8 and utterly the same. He wants to control everything I do and if I don't do as he says a tantrum ensues. Like you, I am patient to a point but especially at bedtime I stay for a while and then all the other things I am meant to be doing creep into my mind and bang goes my good temper - quite quickly. Suddenly it is 9.45pm and I am resorting to rubbing his back to get him off to sleep. Also, we have dispensed with the nappy at night which is another opportunity to exercise his power over me! He's perfectly capable of using it by himself but will sit there for hours and uses it as an excuse to leave his room. I just read Divas and Dictators which was quite a good book but the bedtime section seems to rely on the fact that you are have a toddler that will stay in its bed once lights are out, whereas I have one that will immediately get up and roam around the house until god knows when! He enjoys controlling me more than he enjoys getting a good night's sleep. It's a really difficult stage. Does your DS still nap in the day? All I can say is our bedtimes are easier when DS doesn't have a nap, just because I can pretty much rely on the fact that he will go to sleep reasonably quickly, even if it means I have to stay with him for that time. Ideally, I need a toddler that settles himself off to sleep so that I can get on with my evening routine, but right now I don't seem to have that which I have sort of begun to accept. I have decided that this weekend I am going to cut out the daytime nap and ask his nursery to do the same next week. I am also going to introduce a long and monotonously-toned made-up bedtime story to the very end of our nighttime routine, as sometimes I feel that if he would just lay still for 10 minutes with his head on the pillow and feeling relaxed, he would go to sleep. I don't know if any of those things would work for you or if you have already tried them, but as ever, it is often a relief to know you are not alone in this situation!

Oh, I also forgot that for the last couple of nights I have introduced a picture reward chart and my DS loves it. It helps move the bedtime routine along at more of a pace, as he wants to get the sticker for the next thing on the list. The last picture is of him in bed with his eyes closed, and unfortunately as you see from my post above we have not yet reached that nirvana effectively, but it is early days!

I found reading the childrens book, You Choose, a good way to teach my DD about choices and change. She loves her bedtime routine, all routines in fact, a part of her ASD. We change thing little by little but encourage her independance. I can take a week to build something new in!

I'm so relieved to read these. My DS is 2.5 and likes to be independent. I let him to a certain degree as I think it is good for them to feel like they have some control. Even if I am rolling my eyes at reading Splat the Cat again!