In-laws never ask about me now I'm pregnant with their third grandchild

[DnG]

I'm really disappointed in my in-laws. We're expecting their third grandchild and they never ask how I'm doing or if I need anything. We always ask them and they always go on about their health, their appointments, their whenever and everything else, but apparently have zero concern for me and my husband.
This pregnancy is another high risk pregnancy and we've been having a really hard time, but I feel like all they see me as is a vessel giving them one grandchild after another. They care about their grandchildren and ask about them and sometimes look after them, but they seem to have zero interest in their mother. I find it really quite depressing and I'm worried about the very vulnerable postpartum period where I will simply not be able to tolerate such behavior. I remember when my second was born they came to see her a few days after and all my mother in law did was complaining about the traffic and parking, zero care for me who's only been through major abdominal surgery. Any advice or words of wisdom are appreciated.

What exactly is it you would like from them? I’m not saying you’re in the wrong, it would just be helpful to know.

I think it’s best to accept that this is what they’re like @DnG , otherwise you’ll make yourself miserable wanting them to change. My in-laws are only fussed about their own children, they’re nor particularly in their grandchildren - but there’s nothing we can about it. It used to bother me but now I say, ok, that’s them.

Turn to the people who do care about you for support, your own family and friends, for example.

What would you like them to say/do?

Ask for what you need? To be honest, I think most daughters- and sons-in-law are just background noise to their parents-in-law. I certainly am to mine, though I’m quite fond of them.

what would you like them to do? Presumably you’re a reasonably well, functioning adult who happens to be pregnant. If you’re not ill, what is it they should be doing?

I love being asked nothing by my in laws 🤣 They are interested in our kids though so that’s great, i just talk about them instead!

You make it sound like you chose to get pregnant to give them grandchildren. It’s quite odd wording.

You’re not pregnant with their third grandchild, you’re pregnant with your child child.

That’s an interesting way of putting it @PheasantandAstronomers!

In my case, I’m pretty sure that I’m viewed in terms of DH’s happiness- I make him happy so that’s great. But that’s the extent of the interest-if we split up or something happened to DH, I couldn’t rely on them for anything (sadly nor could our children, which is rather sad).

My MIL wouldn't ask personal questions as she didn't want to pry. If I opened up about something though, she was happy to listen/discuss further.

Are they being polite and not wanting to be accused of being nosey about your medical concerns?

what do you want them to ask/say? It’s really no different to the first two pregnancies tbh.

I can empathise. So few people asked about my birthing experience or c section recovery. Surprising really

You seem unhappy about the pregnancy.
You don't need to produce grandchildren for other people. Have children for yourselves.
Ask your DH to help out a lot more.
Best of luck; I hope you stay in good health

I was having a conversation with my sibling the other day with regards to our parents and how it seems with age they’ve just gotten a little more selfish and only want to talk about them and their trips etc.

I think where they’re retired and don’t have many responsibilities they just become a bit selfish and self absorbed.

I don’t think it’s intentional.

Why did you choose to have “another high risk pregnancy”? You come across as quite selfish and self centred.

I think that all you can do is try not to take it to heart too much. At least they aren't actively vile to you OP! It could be worse. Hopefully your DH is supportive.

You do know you've put this into the baby names section? You might want relationships?

I think the general rule with pregnancies is that they are of almost no interest to anyone except the pregnant woman and, to a lesser extent, her partner. I wouldn't expect anyone to ask me about my pregnancy or to think twice about it until the baby was actually born. In fact, it would seem a bit weird and prying if they did. Unfortunately, some women become obsessed with their pregnancy and expect it to be a constant topic of conversation.

Wow, some harsh responses. I don't think it's unreasonable or self-centred to expect a "how are you?" Especially from in-laws/grandparents.

Even if you are fit and healthy, pregnancy can be a bitch.

I think you’re being a bit sensitive tbh.

I get why it’s disappointing but it sounds like you have made a conscious decision to have another baby despite a previous high risk pregnancy and birth experience, knowing the same may happen again. So it is up to you to put provisions in place to help yourself.

Why are you needing all the extra support from your in laws specifically? What about other people?

Most people are wrapped up in their own lives. It seems they care for their grandchildren which is the main thing. Do you not have other family and friends?

Some people are just self centred and if that’s your in laws it’s easier to accept it tha be frustrated by it. I remember less than a week post-surgery we’d driven four hours straight from my aunts funeral to visit MIL and dint get a single ‘how are you’ but instead were told all about her minor ailments instead.

Yanbu to expect to be treated better than a surrogate but Yabu to expect a change in behaviour since they were like this in the past. Why did you think they’d have a personality transplant?

I think that it’s hard to toe the line between uninterested and overstepping and too many questions would be worse than none.

I would accept that they don’t care about you past the fact that you gave birth to the grandkids or match their energy when it comes to their health matters so it doesn’t feel so unequal. If there’s stuff that you would like to ask them then ask and see what they say. They might be more up to helping practically rather than emotionally.