Which parent’s last name to give baby?

[UnexpectedCurveBall]

My daughter told us last week she was pregnant. Unplanned and unexpected. She and her boyfriend are only 18. He works, she is coming to the end of her first year at uni (we’re helping her plan for how she can finish her degree with a hybrid of online before going back to in person). They want to keep the baby.

My question is, whose last name would you give the baby? Hers or his?

I was going to type a whole background and explanation to my thoughts, but it was getting to wordy and wasn’t all really relevant. I think hers but my husband was surprised and assumed it would be boyfriend’s last name. I’m curious to know if most think like me or if it’s still assumed babies get their dad’s last name.

Hers because they aren't married and if he doesn't stick around it makes more sense for it to be her name.

I think the default should be the mothers name

It is a very recent thing for babies of unmarried parents to routinely be given their father's name.

If unmarried, definitely the mother's name. Whether they stay together or not, the mum is far more likely to be the main carer.

If they split who will very highly more than likely be left with the responsibility. She will. Her name.

Hers no question. But I'm surprised and more than a bit curious and even slightly alarmed that your husband - her dad? - assumed it would be the boyfriend's name. What's that about @UnexpectedCurveBall ?

Hers, although maybe they would want to use both? But if not both then obviously hers

@TemporarilyCantDoMyself I think nothing more than his own experience. As I mentioned previously, he has an older child from a previous relationship and that child had his surname. He told me it hadn’t really been a discussion. Also, my step child has a half sibling on their mother’s side too and that child also has their fathers last name (and that relationship also failed early). My stepchild also has a child that was born before the marriage and was given its father’s name (they are now married so all three of them have the same last name).

No need to be alarmed though. Once I explained why I thought baby needs to have our last name, he understood. Our children were born after marriage so it’s not something he’d even thought about until now. He’s always going to put our daughter first.

Hers, or both,

And if she does end up marrying her, she doesn't have to change her name to his.

He can change his to hers, or they can keep their own names.

Personally I would rather get married if I was having a baby, but NOT change my name.

And the baby would have both.

(this is my situation, as it happens)

Traditionally babies take their mother's name which often happens to be the same as the fathers if they are married

thanks for that information. I didn’t know babies could be reregistered so I’ll let her know that information.

It’s not quite that easy because if they aren’t together anymore (and he’s on the birth certificate) you can’t just change the birth certificate and re register. That is for when the parents were not married and later get married.

If she puts his name, she can’t simply reregister or change the name later.

I agree with you - I have had several friends now who’ve used the dad’s surname and when I’ve asked why they’ve said “oh well Boyfriend is very traditional”… I always feel like saying, but resist the urge, that if he was that traditional, you’d have his surname too! 🤨

In terms of things being automatic, obviously yes you can register whatever you like. But in the hospital, they will default to the mother’s surname - I assume because that’s always been the way of things, and unmarried women using the father’s surname is quite a recent thing?

I meant for if they get married in the future, which is also in the essence of the post I was replying to. If they split up then baby would obviously remain with her name.

The hospital defaulting to the mother’s name is to make the link between mother and baby obvious to stop any mix ups between babies (particularly when babies used to be taken off to the nursery).

One thing that has surprised me since doing genealogy is discovering that babies having their father’s surnames even when the parents were unmarried isn’t actually new. If the father was named on the birth cert the baby tended to carry his name. It’s just that very often unmarried mothers registered babies solo (and indeed in a lot of cases were wrongly informed they had to register solo) as they couldn’t name the father unless he was also there to register.

Id say hers or both, because of she does end up on her own.. but she might not feel that way. Is it a serious relationship?

Its up to her and her boyfriend. Your opinion or anyone else’s wont matter. Its really old fashioned to think the baby will have the dads last name

If she does decide to give the baby his name, make sure her surname is part of the child’s name. My DC’s both have my exH surname (I never took his name) but I’m not a fan of double barrelling so they both have my surname as a middle name.

I would hyphenate both surnames. It’s his child as well as hers. The child will get used to whatever surname they’re given at birth, and it’s much more unlikely they’ll want to take their father’s surname later on if your DD and her partner remain together. People get used to the names they have, and don’t want to change them.

I hyphenated my son’s name, but made the strategic decision to put my surname first. I find quite often that when there is not enough room on forms or sports t-shirts that the second surname just naturally gets dropped . . . sadly. The full name can be a bit cumbersome, so Ive told him he’s welcome to use just the first surname if he wants, and drop the second. My DH has told him to drop the first part, and use the second 🙂. It’s DS’s choice ultimately though.

The main thing is to make sure she’s aware that it’s him being on the birth certificate that means she needs his permission to take the child abroad, have a say in schooling etc.

A scary number of people seem to think that’s based on surname, and when it comes to PR it doesn’t matter if they use her surname, his surname, a combination or an entirely random name. The birth cert is what does that.

It's a relatively recent thing that the children of unmarried couples get the father's name.

Hers, as they are only 18 there will be a good chance they may not stay together, they can always add his name to double barrel it at a later date or change it if they are to get married in the future.

Hers.

DP and I have never married and our dd has my surname.

I've only come across the idea that there's pressure for children to be given the dad's name on Mumsnet.
I'm not sure if that's because it's a new phenomenon (my dd is in her early 20s) or if it's been around for a while and I wasn't aware of it.

It never crossed my mind that dd wouldn't have my surname. There are all the practical reasons mentioned already but I probably just absorbed earlier conventions because of all the 18th century and Victorian novels I had read.

I imagine most people would automatically give the dads name, but she should give her own (for many reasons already listed), or at the very least double barrel

I'd encourage your DD to make sure her last name features somewhere within the baby's name. Spanish friends have used the mother's last name (or the first of her last names) and the father's last name, not hyphenated, for their children e.g. mum = Lola Cortez Garcia, dad = Tom Smith, baby = Isabel Cortez Smith

I was a similar age when I had my DC. DC has my surname, I would never have considered any other surname.