Obsessed with other names and it’s driving me mad

[Kindofregret]

My daughter is 3 now so I know I can’t change her name and I suspect that’s part of the reason I am obsessing over it.

My husband didn’t want to talk about names before our child was born and once she was born he always had a reason not to discuss names, other than to shoot down all my suggestions. I started to feel really down and stressed about it. Family were also pressuring us to just pick a name. Someone suggested a name when she was around 5 weeks so we just went with it in a bit of a panic, registered her birth and all was well. It’s a lovely name that really suits her but it is extremely similar to her cousins name and it has started to bother me so much. Especially because my husband vetoed names for sounding too similar to his mum’s name.

When my daughter turned 1 I had a wobble and felt we should have picked a different name. It lasted about 2 weeks and then I moved on. 6 months later it happened again. Since then not a day goes by when I don’t ruminate and obsess. The name we “should have” chosen changes from one week to the next, although some recur more than others, but the intensity of the feeling hasn’t lessened. I can lie awake half the night thinking about it. I can wake up in a cold sweat about it. Because it’s a problem that can’t be solved, my mind just won’t let it go. It’s like my brain is punishing me. I have asd/adhd so rumination is something I do a lot.

it sounds ridiculous when I describe it. My husband is aware that this happens but I don’t think he understands how difficult it is for me. I have very difficult feelings regarding my own name, and naming my daughter felt like such an important moment, which ended up being rushed and pressured and not at all enjoyable.

I don’t dislike the name, as I said it’s lovely, and maybe I’d have felt like this with any name we picked. It can’t be shortened or turned into something else really. There’s nothing I can do on a practical level.

I know I’m not the only one to feel like this as I’ve come across posts like this in the past. I just don’t know what to do. What do others do who feel equally strongly? How do you finally reach acceptance?

My DH also wouldn't really discuss names before our DD was born- I made a list which included a family name from his side and it was the one we went with. I was glad to have a name that meant something to him and MIL as she was unwell at the time of DDs birth. I chose to give DD my absolute favourite baby name as a middle name. Sometimes it bothers me and I think it's a shame I didn't get to use my favourite but she suits her name and I love it now.
Names aside OP, and I mean this with the utmost kindness, I don't think it's normal to have this amount of anxiety about your child's name. I am also a ruminator- I have OCD and although I regard myself as well now I tend to ruminate during periods of anxiety. Is there something else in the background which causes these worries to rear up? Perhaps the worry around your DDs name is the symptom rather than the cause. Wishing all the best.

postpartum anxiety can happen up to 2 years after birth of child. Maybe consider asking for help?

Thank you for your kind reply. I think you are right that it’s not normal and probably a symptom of something else. I started a new job last year which causes me a lot of anxiety and the name rumination is definitely worse during periods of stress and anxiety. Since having a baby I’ve also struggled more with my neurodivergence. I’m probably in desperate need of therapy!