Lack of smiles and autism

[MumsyAm]

Lack of smiles and autism

I’m besides myself with worry. My eldest son is 28 months and is undiagnosed autistic, on waiting list to be seen. He has come on leaps and bounds with his development, good speech, language and understanding but very controlling and demanding. Is a magical little boy but hard work. Lots of meltdowns when things don’t go his way.

I now have a 16 week old son. I’m suspecting already he is also autistic due to…

1. Not big on smiling. Like trying to get blood out of a stone! Started smiling at 4 and half weeks but has been always hard to get smiles out of, but seems in last two weeks even more so. Used to smile a bit at his reflection and now doesn’t
2. Confused look/surprised/looks through me
3. Poor eye contact unless it’s me or on mat
4. Doesn’t like people coming close
5. Certain loud sounds makes him cry
6. Hates bath time
7. Starting to reach for objects only now
8. Can clench fists but not always in unison
9. Can turn to sound but inconsistent
10. Squint at birth but now nearly non existent
11. Multiple allergies through breast milk with bloody stool and was under paediatrics for this
12. Poor feeding unless asleep - comes on and off and arches back
13. V. Squirmy/fidgety
14. Poos smell of mothballs! I read somewhere this can be linked
15. Bigger forehead. Head circumference was above 50th centile at birth and now 91st
16. Stares at ceiling lights but can get him to look back if I speak with him or get in his eye line
17. Wants to be held all the time
18. Seems frightened a lot and just like a rabbit in headlights

Positives

1. Coos, although this is occasional
2. Fixes and follows well

I feel emotionally worn out from the first time round. I wouldn’t change my eldest and I have learned to embrace who he is, but I really wanted to experience typical development in my child and not have to worry for their future also.

I’m very very sad currently. Can anyone tell me if their child (autistic or not) didn’t smile to begin with much but is happy now? This is what kept me going with my first son as he was always a giggler!

Thank you for reading this far.

An autistic child not smiling doesn't mean they aren't happy, it just means they aren't smiling. My DD will tell me she really, really enjoyed something but with the most dead pan, neutral look on her face. She's a teen now but was a very smiley happy baby/toddler.

I think you need to step back, enjoy your DC for who they are and just wait and see. All autistic traits are common in young children at one stage or another it's if they continue past that age appropriateness that it suggests an issue. I would watch and wait until closer to 5 years when they should have started to out grown some of those traits, by all means write down anything that concerns you but there really is minimal support available to young autistic children unless they need additional therapies like S&L. Perhaps think about sensory overload and effective time management and transition techniques to help manage common challenging moments but otherwise your DC are still lovely children autism or not.

Thanks for this. You are right really.
i know I need to work on my outlook on things too.

on a side note I hadn’t realised I posted this under baby names! Was an error. I have since posted under development.

He seems within normal ranges to me.
Wait until he's had eye tests and hearing tests at around three or four.

I’m so sorry you’re so anxious. It’s really hard to tell at this age. If at all possible, try to stay positive. Try not to over analyse. Step back as pp says.

if it helps, In my case, I was certain my newborn child was brain damaged (difficult birth etc) and I spoiled my first weeks and months with him, full of worry.

I Thought he was too quiet, not reacting etc. fwiw said child got a string of 9s at gcse last year, so is far from brain damaged. but it was so worrisome in those early days. Took him to the gp asking to assess for downs etc. Not helped by my mum questioning his abilities, eg asking me if he was batting at things on his baby mat. (Your equivalent of smiling?) He wasn’t doing any batting. So my mum said he was probably behind etc. of course, nothing wrong with ‘being behind’ but the point was, she was wrong to try and assess such a young child.

You are doing the right thing to be vigilant given autism runs in families, and I get your anxiety since you’re going through it with your elder son. But you just don’t know with no 2.

Also let’s say he is autistic. or let’s say my son had downs or oxygen starvation or the various things I’d thought. You will adapt. You’ve shown you’ve adapted with your elder son.

Thing is, It’s just bloody hard with a new born, so of course you worry, panic about coping — this is the hardest time in child rearing. If you can, do your best not to worry. How? Maybe some other wise person will suggest how, but do make sure you’re eating properly, try to get rest if you can. As others have said, what you describe sounds normal.

I think there is a lot of grief when you realise that you are not going to get the life you thought you were going to with children. It’s normal. But try not to let it cloud the amazing children and life you will have. Your children are very lucky to have parents that have spotted their neurodiversities young so you can adapt your parenting to them. Find a tribe of other families for support and be gentle on yourself.

Thanks to those of you who have posted. I think there is a lot of grief. Life just will always be harder when you’re raising a child with SEN, much more so if you have two. I know I need to work on my anxiety too x

Keep in mind OP that if you are the parent of autistic children the chances are either you or their dad are also autistic so if you are really struggling with anxiety it's worth looking in to.

It's such a personal process when you watch your children grow with autism. My son did smile a little bit as a baby but as he grow up (diagnosed in Y2) we had recognised that he really struggled with emotions and social skills.

As he got older, he adapted to situations and is such a loving, caring, gentle boy. I remember vividly the day he put his arms around me to hug me rather than stand with arms down and I burst into tears.

It's a huge learning curve OP but one that you will navigate x

This might sound rude but how do you KNOW your eldest is autistic? I'm autistic. My dd12 had been on the waiting list over 2 years. I can't say she is until I've had the diagnosis.

Thanks everyone for the messages.
I definitely don’t think I’m autistic but my husband I’m sure has ADHD… with some PDA bits I’m sure.

I know it sounds crazy for me to say I know he is autistic, but there’s so many similarities to my eldest son in how he handles, he’s very very squirmy, lack of facial expressions, looks through me, hard to get his attention with noise sometimes especially if he is looking at a light or clocks wants to be held all the time yet fights my arms when he’s trying to sleep.

Every autistic person is unique, and I’ve heard some people never really know until later on, or present NT until the wheels can fall off in secondary school etc. it’s hard to describe, but I just ‘know’. My eldest stimmed from 6 months with head shaking and then it all became clear to me why he was so so upset all the time as a baby, as before I just thought he was high needs. He also arched his back during feeds. My youngest is on omeprazole but this hasn’t changed anything. I think it’s a sensory thing.

i think you posted in the wrong topic?