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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Which surname?

21 replies

Jomummy1013 · 01/07/2023 17:06

This isn't a baby first name question it's a baby surname question.
Ok so I was married and am now divorced. I still have my married name as I want to match my kids, plus I hate my maiden name, it's awful!
I am around 11 weeks pregnant with my fourth child, different father, who is sadly not on the scene and I won't give the baby his surname.
I don't want to give the baby my maiden name as I really dislike it. Plus I had a crap childhood and I don't want memories or any reminders of the name.
I feel wrong giving it my ex husband's name as it's not his child.
I had a very close relationship with my maternal grandparents, both sadly now passed. I am thinking about giving my baby their surname. It's quite a nice surname too. But the baby won't match me and my children. Considered me going double barrelled with my married name and my grandparent's name but not sure as again I would not properly match my kids, but at the same time I don't want the baby to feel any different to the others. Has anyone been in this situation? It is quite a trivial problem but one I am scratching my head over.

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RuthW · 01/07/2023 17:41

You aren't giving the child you ex's name, you are giving them your name.

Bookworm12345 · 01/07/2023 17:58

I think I would give baby the surname of your maternal grandparents and also take it yourself. It'll be difficult for your baby to have the surname of a man who they aren't related to, except through their half-siblings. DH was in this position and as an adult changed his name from his half-sibling's father whom he'd never met.

Original poster

Jomummy1013 · 01/07/2023 23:55

RuthW · 01/07/2023 17:41

You aren't giving the child you ex's name, you are giving them your name.

You're right @RuthW it is my name and has been my name for almost 15 years. My friend thinks I should give the baby the name. The ex husband would not be happy, probably, but I wouldn't even tell him. X

OP posts:

Original poster

Jomummy1013 · 01/07/2023 23:57

Bookworm12345 · 01/07/2023 17:58

@Bookworm12345 I also agree with this - tbh going double barrelled was kind of my first choice, but it would involve the hassle of changing it over. My grandparents did mean the world to me though and they were the only good, consistent part of an awful, abusive and neglectful childhood. X

OP posts:

Original poster

Jomummy1013 · 01/07/2023 23:58

@Bookworm12345 what did your DH change his name to, another family member's name? Identical situation. X

OP posts:

Bookworm12345 · 02/07/2023 07:47

Jomummy1013 · 01/07/2023 23:58

@Bookworm12345 what did your DH change his name to, another family member's name? Identical situation. X

The surname of his father whom he met as a teen, but we've since had to cut out of our lives as he's toxic 😔

Bookworm12345 · 02/07/2023 07:49

@Jomummy1013 I think honouring your maternal grandparents is a lovely idea 💗

Velvian · 02/07/2023 07:50

Give the baby your married name, same as you and your other other DC. It is your name.

Gateappreciation · 02/07/2023 07:52

It’s not so unusual nowadays to have siblings with different surnames.

Velvian · 02/07/2023 07:52

... And it's none of your ExH's business.

WeWereInParis · 02/07/2023 07:56

I'm this situation I'd probably view the surname you have now as your family's name, so would give the new baby that name. It's your name now, and you've kept it because it's the surname your children have, which is important to you.
I don't see why your ex husband would need to be told the baby's surname.

DustyLee123 · 02/07/2023 07:58

Give baby yours and its siblings name.

P1ckledonionz · 02/07/2023 08:02

Does the double barreled name sound okay? I think I would go double barreled and give maternal name to your new baby... plus then you get to have a name connection with your grandparents. Your older children could change to that too if they wanted. Think it's OK for siblings not to match but worth the hassle for you to match all of them.

user1492757084 · 02/07/2023 10:39

I would give your new child your surname with your maternal grandparents' surname as a middle name.
Then the child and you have included a loving reminder of your family's past and your own name - used by you and your other children.

Velvian · 02/07/2023 11:50

Honestly, just go with yours and DC's current name, the new baby will be part of your family unit and will not have any connection to anyone with your maternal grandparents name. Could you give GP's name as a middle name so that it is reflected in your family.

Saturnsmoon · 03/07/2023 19:21

My cousin was the baby in this situation and was given the exh’s name, which I think was the right thing to do as it gave a sense of family unity. although they decided to double barrel when they were a teen to include their maternal grandparents (they were close) surname.

Original poster

Jomummy1013 · 09/07/2023 08:47

Thank you all for your answers and for helping me decide.
I have changed my original plan and have now decided to give the baby my current name. He or she will match me and its siblings.
If the baby is a boy, I can use the maternal GP's name as a middle name as their surname is also a boy's first name. ❤️

OP posts:

LividHot · 09/07/2023 08:49

Reclaim the name.

It's now YOURS and doesn't belong to ex-h.

pambeeslyhalpert2 · 09/07/2023 10:07

RuthW · 01/07/2023 17:41

You aren't giving the child you ex's name, you are giving them your name.

This. My mum had a 4th child by a different father to the rest of us. She's divorced from my dad but kept his name as that's what she counts as her name. She did ask my dad, and even tho he's the worst person on the planet he had no issues with this baby having the same surname as it's my mums name.

fairycupcakes · 09/07/2023 10:21

Agreed. Your married name is your name now, you’ve had it many years as you’ve said. Good luck with baby ❤️

Original poster

Jomummy1013 · 09/07/2023 21:32

Thank you all.
I had not considered it my name - but it is and has been for years. ❤️

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