Naming after SIL

[LucianaAna]

Tricky one.

I’m 38 weeks pregnant with a girl, and DSIL has just died (she was far too young, but we’ve been expecting it).

DH and I are considering using her name as a middle name for DD. We would of course speak to DBIL and DSIL’s sister before we did this, but what’s people’s gut feel?

Partly about whether it’s appropriate to name a baby honouring someone who has died so, so soon before their birth (which I think is a bit different to using a name where emotions aren’t so raw).

Also, if you were SIL’s very closest relatives, would you find it upsetting to be asked so soon?

Wait until the baby arrives, then tell the immediate family first, and put it in a phrasing similar to 'Here's baby Jane. Would it be ok to call her Jane Diana (subst. SIL's name)?'

Is it your husband’s sister who died?

Husband’s brother’s wife, but we’re closer than that makes it sound.

I think it’s a really beautiful tribute and a way to honour how much you loved her. Maybe as it is so recent and raw it is worth asking how they feel xx

I’m not so sure. It might be too raw -almost “here’s a new xxx, let’s move on and forget the old xxx.” I’m putting it a bit crassly, but you get the point. You could ask. It may be that the SIL’s own family might want to use that name for any babies to be born. On the other hand, they might be pleased.

I think it would be lovely but definitely tell them first.

I think this is nice with older relatives but not those who have gone too soon

I think it's a lovely tribute to her and way to honour her memory. Just ask your DH to run it past his brother first.

Sorry for you loss. I think as a middle name it’s fine, though I would mention it first. As first name I wouldn’t as it’s too raw and so soon after, but middle names are rarely used.

I think it's nice as a middle name, but everyone is different.

It's a lovely idea - but ask first. X

Does it work to have two middle names, then it can be used or easily not when it feels too raw.

It’s lovely. We used my cousins name as DS2 middle name. Checked with his parents first.
It was a way of remembering and honouring him - we loved him very much and still do. His parents were happy . Just ask…

You should ask.

Our kids have middle names for loved ones who have passed away, it's a nice way to remember them. One of my nieces has my name as her middle name and I was so delighted when they told me.

You've already said you'd speak to BIL about it, which is the right thing with it being so soon, just let him know you want honour SIL's memory and keep her in your thoughts by using her name.

Agree.

Even if he says it’s too raw, I am sure he’ll appreciate the thought.

Sorry for your loss

Asking will not offend anyone.
It is a beautliful tribute, given that you loved her.
Choose two second names in case they say, 'no.
And also consider asking the BIL to be godfather.

I would not do this without checking first and actually listening to how people feel about it before I went ahead

My brother’s first name is after my grandad who died two months before he was born. My mum actually wasn’t keen on this at all but did it under duress of her grieving MIL. The way life has gone has actually made it a very fitting name for him.

I think it's a beautiful idea; especially as a middle name, almost keeps it quite special because only those 'in the know' will know properly. I'd definitely ask BIL what he thought and if he was ok, and let him know you'd be doing it to honour his late wife etc.
I'd find it quite rude to have it suddenly announced without being asked the question.
I have extended family who have used my rather unique first name as their childrens' name, as though they just plucked it out of thin air- the one person who actually said to my mum that they'd used the name because they liked my character/personality (I was probably 8/9) I felt honoured when I learnt of it. Another family member far closer to me, didn't even acknowledge the fact that their child's first name was the same as mine and tbh it did annoy me! Even a fake 'oh we liked the name because you have it etc' would have been better than ignoring it altogether.

Definitely ask first but I think it’s a lovely idea and wouldn’t have been offended if asked.

I think it's lovely, but obviously check first which you are going to do anyway

Sorry for your loss, OP.

I am going to go against the grain: if she has literally just died and you are due in two weeks then it is far too soon. None of you are going to be in a position to make a rational decision and a child’s name (even middle name) is too important a choice. It is much easier to add a middle name than remove one. I would consider adding SIL’s name as a second middle name later, perhaps when your DD is christened or on her first birthday.