Page 2 | Upset by name predicament

Jammysponges · 2023-02-28T12:46:56+00:00

DH and I are expecting a baby boy in May, we’ve had a hard time rounding down names we mutually like. DH has suggested one he is very keen on, I have one I’m very keen on and made clear from the ttc days. My name choice has sentimental value to me and I always wanted to use it for a baby one day, obviously dependent on the father agreeing. His choice was plucked from a website after a 5 minute read. Now I do like his name choice, but I don’t feel like it’s the one. I know I don’t get to override his choice and shouldn’t automatically be able to use my name as I know he doesn’t feel like that’s the one either, but the baby will have 2 sentimental middle names from his family side and also his surname, so I’d hope to get a bit more say for that reason. I don’t want to dramatise the situation, but I equally don’t want my son to have a name I don’t love when I’ve already agreed to middle names I don’t love. If I push for my name choice I worry that I’ve taken control of our son and left DH with no choice but to accept my final say. Im hormonal already and feeling rough with HG so please be gentle if you feel I’m over reacting or being selfish.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 28/02/2023 15:04

the baby will have 2 sentimental middle names from his family side and also his surname

Does he know that's not written in stone?

He knows you're the one doing all the work, right?

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 28/02/2023 15:37

Jammysponges · 28/02/2023 12:57

Thanks everyone, good suggestions, I will challenge the middle names to compromise.
Forgot to add he already told his family we’re planning to use his chosen name without asking me if I agreed first. I only know as my sister in law text me to say “great name choice.”

That is VERY manipulative of him. Text her back and say ‘whoops! DH has got ahead of himself with the excitement. No name decisions until baby is safely here - we’re just discussing ideas.’

tattygrl · 28/02/2023 15:40

What a CF, texting his family saying what the name was going to be!

This baby is getting four names - you, as the mother, need to at least decide/happily agree on ONE of them! This is ridiculous. Hope he realises how unreasonable he's being when you point out the middle name thing.

unclebuck · 28/02/2023 15:45

He thinks his child should have 3 first names of his choice and his surname?
Fuck that. Do you have the same surname? If not I would just tell him to stop being such a twat or it's be "Your choice, your surname" and there is fuck all he can do about it.
It never occurred to me for 1 second that I would not choose my babies names. I made them!

PanettoneMoly · 28/02/2023 16:27

If it’s any help OP, DH wanted to name DD his late grandmothers name. It’s a lovely name, wasn’t necessarily “the one”, and not one that even made my Top 5 when I was pregnant but, 2 years later, it’s not a name he chose anymore, it’s naturally just part of DD now and I adore her, name-I-did-not-choose and all.

Original poster

Jammysponges · 28/02/2023 19:44

thanks for all responses. I will speak to DH when he finishes work, I just can’t deal with the chance that I may never get to use ‘my name’ if he doesn’t agree.
I have a double barrelled surname, my maiden name and DH surname combined as my first name doesn’t go well with his surname alone. We agreed baby will just have his surname, which I’m fine about, but I’m hurt he wants to make all the choices. I did correct his sister and told him I’m still looking for name choices, but this went over his head it seems.
The names are both in the top 50 nothing unusual or out there.

OP posts:

MerryChristmasToYou · 28/02/2023 19:46

@PanettoneMoly , that worked out ok for you, but if you read any Name Regret threads, you'll see that it doesn't work out for everyone.
The OP's DH sounds controlling.

MsMcGonagall · 28/02/2023 19:56

I would say all the first and middle names are up for discussion. Why are 2 middle names needed? you can just have one. You might have another child one day, you need some names left!

I always thought my son would have name "x" but DH didn't like it. I didn't like his first choices either. We went looking for a name that both of us liked.

Tbf same with DD - the name I would have chosen from childhood wasn't used; but neither was DH's first choice.

Back to the baby name books, both write a list, see if there is any name in the middle of the Venn diagram. If there's 2 then there's a middle name too!

SummaLuvin · 28/02/2023 20:00

thanks for all responses. I will speak to DH when he finishes work, I just can’t deal with the chance that I may never get to use ‘my name’ if he doesn’t agree.

I definitely agree that he seems to have been gung-ho with announcing name to his side before it was fully agreed, and while I think him getting 2 sentimental middle names + surname should make him a little more agreeable and open to your preferences, I don't think this means you can automatically force your name. There is a huge difference between "DH thinks it's fine but doesn't love it" and "DH really actively dislikes this name". In the naming process both parents should have the option to veto any name they like for any reason.

I think you need to talk to him about the name, see how he feels about it, but you have to be prepared to comprise by both coming up with a third choice the two of you mutually agree on.

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 28/02/2023 20:00

Jammysponges · 28/02/2023 19:44

thanks for all responses. I will speak to DH when he finishes work, I just can’t deal with the chance that I may never get to use ‘my name’ if he doesn’t agree.
I have a double barrelled surname, my maiden name and DH surname combined as my first name doesn’t go well with his surname alone. We agreed baby will just have his surname, which I’m fine about, but I’m hurt he wants to make all the choices. I did correct his sister and told him I’m still looking for name choices, but this went over his head it seems.
The names are both in the top 50 nothing unusual or out there.

Nope, I think everything including the baby’s surname needs to go back on the table. Don’t be steamrollered on this, OP.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/02/2023 20:35

We agreed baby will just have his surname, which I’m fine about

Why? The first rule of negotiation is not to give away something without getting something. You've given away the middle and last name, and not got anything. So everything goes back on the table, because now he thinks you are negotiating just for the first name. You aren't. You thought it was a compromise and he's seeing it as a contest.

Therefore it's a contest. Double-barrelled last name, all the first names on the table.

tattygrl · 03/03/2023 11:31

Jammysponges · 28/02/2023 19:44

thanks for all responses. I will speak to DH when he finishes work, I just can’t deal with the chance that I may never get to use ‘my name’ if he doesn’t agree.
I have a double barrelled surname, my maiden name and DH surname combined as my first name doesn’t go well with his surname alone. We agreed baby will just have his surname, which I’m fine about, but I’m hurt he wants to make all the choices. I did correct his sister and told him I’m still looking for name choices, but this went over his head it seems.
The names are both in the top 50 nothing unusual or out there.

How did it go, OP?

I hope he's understanding, and that you get to use your name! You're totally being reasonable.

Rinkydinkydoodle · 03/03/2023 11:52

Tell him to shove a coconut up his arse, crap it back out, and then you’ll consider it.

Seriously, would be nice if a baby’s name was a joint choice and successful marriage/parenthood is all about compromise, but your beloved seems to be getting 100% of his choices atm. Like a lot of posters, I feel if two parents can’t agree then ultimately someone has to concede to someone else, in which case, she who pusheth, chooseth.

Also, not saying this will happen, but he wants to be careful with piling too much pressure on you to get his own way, texting family without your knowledge etc. There have been posts on here where women take against their babies’ name, when they’ve been unduly pressured or guilted and felt marginalised within their motherhood, and it throws them off-kilter. Could potentially interfere with bonding. Sensitive time for you emotionally and he could do with a reminder the baby has two parents, two families, and you’re not his personal legacy-maker.

Hatscats · 03/03/2023 12:38

He’s taking the piss picking all 4 names! You are the one giving birth, you get the final pick on first name - stick to your guns. Use his choice as one of the middle names, he will get over it!

DurdleSnore · 03/03/2023 16:32

I sacrificed my all time fave name to find a compromise and then I read all these responses and wish I’d have been a little tougher about it. I do still pine for my favourite 3 years on. My advice is to keep looking BUT keep your favourite tucked away. Once you’ve given birth and you are in the hospital and he’s all emotional holding his newborn baby, that’s when you bring it back out. Hopefully, in that moment he will look at you with such adoration and admiration at what you’ve just been through that he’ll agree!!!

Ellmau · 05/03/2023 17:30

He doesn't get to choose all the names.

If he gets his choice as first name, then your choice is the middle name. Full stop.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 05/03/2023 18:23

You're doing all the work, it should be your choice of first name, especially as it's one you chose before he was even conceived( I had the same)
I think DH's choice should be one of the middle names

fajitaaaa · 05/03/2023 18:24

Jammysponges · 28/02/2023 12:57

Thanks everyone, good suggestions, I will challenge the middle names to compromise.
Forgot to add he already told his family we’re planning to use his chosen name without asking me if I agreed first. I only know as my sister in law text me to say “great name choice.”

Fucking hell he's a right dick