4 year on child name anxiety advice

[Worriedmom4]

OK so this is first time I am writing on mumsnet. I need advice but please be gentle. I had my fourth baby 4 years ago. I didn't have any name list so we chose one of the name which sounded and meant good. It's a common name .But as I was googling for correct spellings I came across some news articles about the name which disturbed me alot/ it was about people with this name being killed in one part of the world. By that time I was already feeling anxiety symptoms as well and it got aggravated. My husband and family brushed off the concerns so I reluctantly went ahead with the name. But anxiety did not go away. I took some cbt sessions which didn't help. Decided to change the name but my anxiety clouded my decision making and judgement. Then I started sertaline and all was well. Everything became normal. Took medicine for 6 months and one year after stopping anxiety about name started again. Again I decided to change it but psychiatrist said it is OCD and name change will not help. I listened to him and took medicines for 2 years at higher dose. Again name regret was gone. 6 months after stopping the medicine due to various side effects I am in same condition. Its like PND and anxiety all over again. Now my child is 4 years old, goes to preschool. Instead of being grateful for everything I am total nervous wreck. I don't want to take antidepressants all my life to come to terms with my child name but cannot live like this forever. I don't know if I add another name to his name will that help . I don't know how I got to this stage . I have no previous mental health history. What options do I have now to get my life back to normal.

if it's common name I wouldn't worry about one news article.
you should come to terms with name you chosen.

Could you call them a nickname you prefer?

Like Buster on Arrested Development was actually called Byron, and Geb was George?

Sorry you're going through this x

To add, in agreement with the pp, ignore that article. You're not in that part of the world, anyway.

I don't suppose you'll tell us the name? Or similar names?

Would you try cbt again? When you had sessions before, were they for OCD or anxiety? I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, it sounds so difficult.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
My 4th child has a name which in my opinion is lovely and suits my child perfectly.
However, I later discovered that the name I gave them is the most hated name on mumsnet.
I came so close to changing it at one point, but now I'm glad I didn't.
However, I do still have setbacks when it comes up again on here (as it often does). I too suffer from severe anxiety and my mental health isn't great at the moment.
I don't really have any advice as I struggle myself at times, but just wanted to give you a hand hold.

How sad for you and the pp who have such anxiety about their child’s name. It seems such a pressure doesn’t it and then you live with the decision. Your doctor is correct though - it sounds like OCD to me. Your child’s name is not REALLY the problem, you are having mental health difficulties that are finding focus on this one issue. Would it help you to share the name and have some different, positive, comments? Don’t worry if you’d rather not - I don’t want to add to your anxiety. However, I’m sure your baby’s name suits them - that’s what matters doesn’t it?

I reallly feel for you OP. I regret my boys name terribly and I fixate on it. He’s 7. I can’t even remember now why I chose it. No advice really just an understanding hand hold xxx

I think it's not really the name that's the problem it's your mental health and once you change the name your anxiety will manifest itself over something else.

Agree with @jannier my anxiety is like this. If it’s not one thing it is another. Keep tackling / working on the anxiety op.

I'm pretty sure given what you have described even if you change the child's name you will find something else to be anxious about. Sounds like you have a mental health condition rather than a name problem. If you look hard enough someone with any name you think of will probably have been killed or killed someone unless you invent a totally new name

Thankyou everyone. I think I will try cbt again , hope it helps otherwise its life long antidepressants for me. At the moment my mind has convinced me to add another name and interestingly I don't have anyother one name that I prefer. I will withhold any action on it and hope this thinking goes away with therapy. Thankyou for your time and please remember in your prayers

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time OP.

I think you need to go back to your GP and ask for a specialist referral. I don't think your child's name can be the problem, but if it's bothering you think up a nick name - the name will be part of their identity now, so can't really be changed.

Meadowsalways, yes for me anxiety disappears on medicines with in a week and name concerns as well. I know how difficult these feelings are .I feel for you. Take care of yourself. May things settle down for you. My prayers for you.

It can take a long time to find the right medication at the right dose OP.

Wolfiefan, agree. For me twice different antidepressants worked really well, while I stayed on them. But different antidepressants work differently for everyone. They are life savers.

Agreed

Hi OP, I just want to say how much I sympathise with everything you have said. I have had major anxiety with all three of my kids names 🤦🏻‍♀️ And still do on an almost daily basis. It feels really hard. I just want to be happy with them but I over analyse every aspect and think I desperately want other people to approve of them. I fixate on how they sound together as they all end in an s or x sound think Felix Magnus and Iris type thing. Sounds silly as I didn’t think it through before the names just came after they were born. I know this is not a “proper” problem and I have friends going through serious ordeals with health issues with children etc which makes me feel guilty I can’t just enjoy my kids and not obsess over this. I think it started for me as there was a name issue with my first child’s name when a friend had an issue with my naming my child a similar (not the same) name to hers which triggered all sorts of anxiety and guilt, I wanted to change her name but hubby wouldn’t let me. Anyway! Just to say I’m right there with the name anxiety. I actually started meds for first time this week so interested to see what happens.
Hugs xxx

Threelittlemonkeyss, dear I can understand what you are going through. Its so difficult and guilt ridden to go through it. I am still in same phase but what I have learnt is, don't go through it alone. Get help. Therapy medication whatever works. And i am learning to accept that as everyone have their struggles, this is mine. I will work on it , for my self and my children. You can do this. Let me know how are you getting on with meds. Hugs××

Hello,

I have been diagnosed with OCD (different theme, but makes little difference) and this does sound like OCD to me. In the kindest way possible, you are obsessing about something rather absurd/irrational and developing high levels of anxiety around it. I get it - I've been there. It gets better, I promise.

CBT works for OCD but it has to be done in conjuction with a different kind of therapy called ERP (exposure and response prevention). It is essential that you seek treatment from an OCD specialist - OCD is a vastly missunderstood condition even among mental health professionals, so you need someone who really understands what's going on in your mind. Antidepressants do help decrease the anxiety response, which is why they have worked for you in the past. FWIW, I was on them for a while but currently getting on without them - it'd be ok if I had to go back on them though, there's no shame in that!

I would encourage to listen to a few episodes of The OCD stories - it covers a wide range of themes and experiences, and they also bring in specialists in the field.

“I came across some news articles about the name which disturbed me alot/ it was about people with this name being killed in one part of the world.”

I don’t see the logic here. At all. (Unless there is more to it, but even then, what has the name have to do with anything? Or how is the name, a collection of sounds, responsible for anything, cultural interpretations, people’s actions, etc)

you have an irrational thought pattern / obsession. And you’re here on MN trying to overcome it with logic or advice from responders?

if you can’t see that you hate the name for irrational reasons, and obviously you can’t, no one can help you with more logic.

now this is your child’s name, it will be cruel , at this age, to change it. You have no right, after 4 years, to do that. Even adding a middle name, it’s not your call or your right, regardless of what the law says.

with meds your irrationally goes away, without them it comes back. You need to understand this is a mental issue.

if you don’t get the part that this is all about you, you’ll keep ruminating on what you could have done about the name, what can you do about the name now, on and on.

There is nothing that needs to be done about it (change name, add name) apart from getting help for yourself. Either you get more therapy or meds for life. I’d seek more or different therapy first, before committing to be on meds forever.