Creating a new surname

[JG24]

Is anyone not following the old fashioned path of using their male partner's surname for the baby?
We've hypothetically discussed the situation over the years and after I made it clear I did not agree with using the dad's surname my partner agreed if we ever had a child we would create a new surname for the 3 of us
However that went out of the window when he brought it up with his dad who throw a tantrum and got very upset at the suggestion!
So now we're expecting and my partner insists his surname has to be used and we can double barrel.
The problem is I dislike both our surnames and using both of them is just cruel!
so the only solution I can think of is to still double barrel but come up with a new surname for myself that the baby will then also take
Some people may think I'm going to extreme lengths to avoid just using his but its something i have always felt strongly about and honestly i find it bizarre that the majority of people still take their husbands name
Bit of context - we've been together 11 years, not married and have talked about getting a civil partnership for legal/financial reasons only
(Marriage is another thing I find utterly strange!)

Well old fashioned would actually be to take the mother’s name. It’s just that women used to take the man’s name as their own so the name was the same. When you’re in hospital and have given birth, they give the baby your surname as per tradition. We are married and double barrelled the child’s name. We did think about mashing them together and maybe that’s an option for the future, but at the moment I love that I have my name, my husband has his, and our baby has both. I feel like a proper little union!!

I’d say it’s fuck all to do with his dad. His dad has had his kids and got to name them. Now it’s your turn and your chance to name them.

Good point,
I'd be fine double barreling the babies and both of us keeping our own if our surnames weren't awful. Same with mashing them together, I've spent hours trying to merge them and not come up with anything nice!

Completely agree! I massively resent that his dad's tantrum has made my partner suddenly change his mind,
If my partner was a woman his dad wouldn't expect the grandchild to have their surname so this is definitely just a lovely bit of sexism

Oh yes definitely just pure sexism. At the end of the day it’s not your FIL’s chance to name a baby. He’s had his turn. As someone who gave in to all this 11 years ago please, with the wisdom of age, stand strong on this. I wish I had. (And I’m still happily with the father of my child!)

its not up to your FIL as I’m sure you know but I can understand it making your DP uncomfortable 🙁 and thus you in the mix of it too. Are both your surnames really that awful? If you feel they are and you are both happy to come up with a different name for you both and baby then you should do that. It’s up to you and not your family members x

OP you get a lot of posts here from people who are convinced their and their partner's names sound horrible together, and it's almost never true. I think often we just need to get used to the sound.

My DH and I both have very rare, clunky-sounding surnames (the difference being that we both really love them) and at first we thought they'd be extra strange together, but since double barrelling our DD's name we have got used to it and honestly now her full name sounds awesome to me.

I would just live with the double barrel in your mind awhile, try it out with the first names you're thinking of and see if it grows on you.

I'm sure you're aware that as you're not married you DP cannot register the birth without you so really, this is your decision. If it were me I'd remind him you had a deal, and he'll have to stand up to his daddy like a big boy.

Good luck with parenting if you are more concerned about getting your own way than comprising.

Talk about first world problems. Just give the kid his dad's name. It's obvious who the mum is, she gives birth. Taking the father's name is also about signalling paternity and responsibility.

Feel sorry for anyone trying to put together family trees in the future.

Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, I hope this issue doesn't overshadow it.

Can you give an idea what the sur names are?

Or take the surname of somebody you both admire?

Friends of mine used the common letters of both their last names to create a new one whereas other friends used the start of one name and the end of another e.g. Smithson and Armstrong = Smithstrong.

Thinking about it, another set of friends looked through their family trees and chose a name from there for them and their baby to take as a new last name.

'be a good little girl and do as the tantrumming men in your life tell you to'

Feel sorry for anyone trying to put together family trees in the future.

That's a joke, right?

We had this in my family, even down to the tantrumming father in law. In this case however both husband and wife stood strong and have a new, shared surname.

Thanks all for the tips.
I particularly appreciated the insight that our names might sound horrible together just because I'm not used to it - I will practice using them and hopefully get used to it!
I wonder how many tantrum-ing men have forced the decisions of their unwilling children and they all probably have no idea they've done anything wrong
I also find the idea of a baby needing the dads name so people know who the dad is so funny! The dad is going to be the primary carer so it would take a very slow person not to click he is the dad! And who am I supposed to be signalling paternity and responsibility to? And after the delivery suite who can automatically tell I'm the mum?!
Very strange reasoning there! But if it concerns you I will insist he wears a badge proclaiming his paternity
Families come in all shapes and sizes with blended families, adoption, fostering being exanples, so I think 2 parents and one child is going to be a very straightforward branch of any tree (if a bit boring!)
I'm also very amused that wanting to share my name with my child is 'getting my own way' but my father in law getting his way by throwing a tantrum seems fine!
Anyway thanks all, think I just needed a bit of solidarity online 🙂

Ok but if you wanna be super modern make sure you go with a bar code number. Words are so 2022. It's almost 2023 and all.

Just messing, I hope you can come to a family decision what ever you decide. All the best.

FIL can bugger off.

I think in your shoes I’d look at your recent ancestors maiden names. So maybe double barrel your mums’ maiden names if they’re better. Or go back to grandparents’ surnames for more choice. Then you’re both contributing an historical link.

I feel very passionately about this issue too despite my DP's objections. His family name does not trump my family name by virtue of him being male. We've double barrelled. Like a PP has advised, is just run the surnames together for a while and hopefully you'll just get used to the sound. Or you could consider incorporating your mother's maiden name instead of your surname?

@JG24 can I ask what you did in the end? I could have written the first half of your post myself!

Baby isn't due until April but I think what we're going to do is double barrel.
I'm changing my surname to a new one. Which ironically is a boy's first name that I've always loved then my partners surname will also be used.
I just need to take the leap and legally change my name!
I feel better now I've actually had a frank chat with my partner and told him exactly why this is a big deal to me and how annoyed I am with his dad too
Good luck

I’m not married so we double barrelled. No way was I just using his surname because even if we were to ever marry I wouldn’t change my surname anyway.

All this. We’re married. DS has both our surnames. The only conversation we ever had about this was which order to put them in. I reckon nearly half his classmates have both parents’ surnames. What they sound or look like together for me is a minor issue.