Name regret!

[Chubbycheekslg]

Long story and I'm not sure what I'm wanting from this but have no one to speak to who won't have a biased opinion, but has anyone regretted calling there LO there name? and did you change it or did you leave it? Also if you did change it, what's it been like since?

My daughter is 3 and a half months old. I essentially missed the first month of her life due to being in hospital because of a whole bunch of things but I basically nearly died. I spent less than two weeks at home between giving birth and being re-admitted. So because of all of this I went along with what my partner wanted to name her as he felt she looked like this name from the second he saw her and obviously hormones, illness, etc. I went along with it. Then after being discharged for the second time we had to quickly register due to the deadline even though I was still unwell. To be honest I'm still not right physically but over the last few weeks my brain has started to un-fog from it all a little.

I've now come to realise I really don't like her name not that it's not pretty but it's not what I planned and have struggled to bond with it, even though I've tried everything to do so, such as nicknames etc. but it's really hard to actually play on the name at all.

This has become more complicated since I can't risk having anymore babies, so feeling as though I haven't had much of a chance to have my own contribution it's really bothered me as this will be my only child. On top of that when I originally brought this up after in secret for a couple of weeks I didn't tell him how I felt as I really wanted to bond with the name and my daughter, it just all felt a bit raw. He obviously was really upset and we had an argument about this that lasted over a few days and then the first time we left the house to see people it was to his grandparents were all his family was and he wanted to tell them all that were changing it. He's since said whatever makes me happy, he'll be happy with as long as its between the original name we planned and her current one.

But because of this its lead to his mum crying because she was one of the few who loved the name prior to the birth and basically his family have done nothing but throw there opinion in now about how much they love her current name but some have also just been insensitive by comparing it to things like that there husband didn't want there child called a certain name and they still called it them anyways or 'you do realise this won't fix what you've been through'. Then they all finish it with 'but don't let anyone's opinion get in the way, it's your child'. 🙃

Since this has been left to me though and I'm stuck on what to do, don't get me wrong I'm not keeping it because of there opinions, I know this is because they'll never understand what my situation is like but I still find it pretty rude and upsetting.

I've tried weighing up the pros and cons, one of the cons of changing it to the name I want is that she's had photos that I love with a dummy clip of her current name and photos are something I feel so strongly about since it's all I have from when she was little as she wasn't with me the second time I was in hospital for 2 weeks and I'm just passionate about capturing memories for other reasons. Also her birth certificate will show her current name still in the main section and the new name will be at the bottom of the page and it'll upset me that it looks as though I was a messy parent seeing as none of his family seem to understand why and what if she preferred her original name as she gets older? the longer I'm leaving it I don't know what to do anymore, I sang songs with words and names similar to get used to even saying the name, which worked in the sense I got used to calling it her but obviously my feelings haven't really changed yet, but because of all the back and forth with her name I've stopped calling my daughter any name all together so I now call her little one, beautiful, etc. because nothing feels right anymore.

I just know I don't like her current name because I wasnt totally sold on it before she was born, even though I don't know many called it I know its a very popular name so I worry they'll also be several with the same name when she starts nursery/school but I don't even know if I like the name I originally wanted now because of all of this too, I'm just second guessing and overthinking everything I do now.

I guess I'm just wondering what would other people do, would you see it out and hope you'll come to bond with it and the regret will ease or would you change it? because I feel completely lost.

Flowers 💐
Sorry for what you have been through. I would change it.

The photos you love with the dummy - you can Photoshop them (loads of ways to remove the name)

She's your baby and name her what you feel right and don't overthink it. You have to be happy. Wishing you good health.

We need to know the name

Change it. It is part of you asserting your motherhood. Change the name.

Firstly forget the family comments this is between you and your husband. My mum isn't overly struck on the name we've picked but it's our decision.

Would you find it useful to say what the current name is so people can maybe suggest a nn?

People change their babies names more frequently than you think. Just change it.

I’d totally ignore any crying relatives who aren’t either your or your partner. They get used to it (and I say that with no guilt trip intended). If they are only making it worse for you, then stop talking to them about it until you’ve made a decision.

Are there any other names you like? Before committing to a different name you can always try it out at home, introduce her to strangers and make sure it feels right before committing to it. I would let dummy clips out you off. I worked with a guy whose name was changed when he was a baby and to him it was nothing more than a funny story.

Are you getting any help to process what happened to you? It sounds traumatic and it’s not unusual to hyperfixate on one thing to distract from that in a way. Post natal mental health is difficult enough without what you’ve been through. You have up until a year to easily change the name so there’s no urgency there. You can take your time and find something that’s right.

Just change it OP. I had name regret and it was hard, and it raised her head at odd times over the years. I am over it, years on, but probably not 100%. In my case, DH was reluctant to change it.

You'll have so many more photos. Can't you use the original name as a middle name so it is still 'hers'? She is tiny and changing it won't affect her in and way, that is the important thing

Ignore the crying relatives!
You have had a terrible time and deserve to have the name you (and your partner) like.
Maybe use the current name as a middle name?
The pictures can be fixed etc so don't let that put you off.
It's not as uncommon as you fear to change the name of a baby. As time goes on it won't seem a big deal at all.
Make the change if that's what will make you and your partner happy and really hope you can recover and enjoy your baby.

Actually I think this is one of those rare ones where we don't need to.

Op just doesn't like it

Hi OP, sorry you’ve been through such a tough time. If you try and ignore everything - the relatives, the pictures, the birth certificate, others opinions etc, completely clear your head, what do you want her name to be? If you feel it’s a different name, try calling her it for a couple of days. See how that feels. Take your time as there is no rush here. As others have suggested if you change the name you could also keep current name as a middle name.
I will say though, you’re absolutely not alone in feeling this way. After the birth of my first dc I felt very similar. I now know that it was a sign of pnd for me and I was focusing on the name. I was also unwell after the birth and I think felt a loss of control over things. It was a very stressful time for me and I can see that now. Even though we’d decided on the name before and I was happy with it, I suddenly wished we had waited a bit and tried a few different names. In my case, we did not change the name. This of course might not be your situation, but If you feel you are struggling at all, do speak to your gp. You have been through a really tough time by the sounds of it. Wishing you all the best.

Can you add the current name to the middle name and add the original first name to the b/c.

and confirm the surname is yours while youre at it.

Change the name. The photos with the name you don't like on the dummy are a huge deal right now. But with the passage of time, you will have hundreds of photos and memories to replace the dummy photos. The name change will become a story from your past and you may grow to smile at it. Do the power move and change the name. Don't think twice about your relatives. Sorry you had such a hard delivery.

We changed my daughter's name spelling at 4 months and that alone was terrifying enough - so I get how anxious and stressed this must be making you. I'm sorry you've had such a bad reaction to changing it. What helped me, was to tell one person who I new I could trust and would support us and used that as springboard to gain confidence. But it does sound like you know what you want to do. I felt so guilty for a long time that we 'got it wrong', all her birth cards have the old spelling, her birth certificate does at the top of course. Any special birth mementos pre 4 months are wrong. But I couldn't let that hold us back from doing what was right for all our future. I kept saying to myself over and over that this was about the next X amount of decades - her life, being right and all that miss spelt stuff will just be part of her story.
I didn't really 'feel' that reassurance at first, but I knew logically that it would be. Now a few years later, she's not even aware of the name change, I imagine it will come up later, but I finally feel okay to say "this is your story baby, it's as unique as you are and we didn’t let fear hold us back".
You deserve to be happy with her name, feel a part if it and it sounds like you need to take back some control after what you've been through. As others have suggested I would try it out for a little while.
Good luck

I let my ex name DD as I thought that he would bond with her after I ran away from the abortion he tried to force me into. He told me his choice of name when I was pushing her out. He then phoned everyone and told them her name. I hate it and she hates it. He left us anyway. Change the name. I wish I had done although DD doesn't like my chosen names either.

Hey OP.
I had name regret. Whether or not to change it I think depends on the reason behind it. In my case it's not so much that I didn't like the name, it's more that I was mourning all the names I also liked but didn't choose. So many names I'd love to use ! So in the end I didn't change it as that wouldn't have solved the issue, and I got over it. I probably wouldn't name him the same if I could go back in time but I'm happy enough with it.

In your case maybe ask yourself :

• Do you dislike the name, even if you have no other name in mind ?


• Or do you have a name that you love and regret not getting to use ?


• Is this about the name or is it about feeling like you didnt actually get to pick the name because of your circumstances ?

Identifying exactly what is the issue can help you knowing what to do to feel better about it, whether you change it or not.

Remember also that changing the name feels like a momentous decision to you, but seen from the outside other people mostly do not care. It doesn't seem important to them, which is probably why they offer their opinions so freely.

It does happen and people get use to it surprisingly quickly. If you and your dp are n agreement I would do it.

Thank you all for your responses, I really do appreciate it! 💕 its been refreshing talking about this to people from the outside looking in rather than the other way around. I don't have many friends and the people I am friends with have never had a child.

Her name is Isla currently, we didn't find out what gender we was having so we both liked two unisex names one more so for a boy and the other more so for a girl, there was no other alternatives if she had turned out to be a boy because we both loved the name we had (We're hoping to adopt a little boy in a few years time so the name will more than likely be used then!). Isla though was the only name my partner actually threw out there to be added to the list, because every other one I'd come up with and he'd say yes or no to, so just because I was so happy that he contributed I added it to the list, but the amount of times I'd solely looked at baby name lists, popularity, etc. I didn't really think much of it, and I especially didn't think or plan that she'd end up being named it.

I've tried to trial the new name out and I do feel better when I do it, but it still feels strange because I'm the only one whose calling it her as my partner is really struggling to even say the new name out loud and I feel I'm not getting a true experience of it. His reasoning for this is that whilst I was in hospital for the majority of her first month so barely called her name, he did and it became a part of her for him which I completely understand. When I did get out and tried different ways to get used to it myself, it did become habit but I never lost that feeling of urgh when I said it and that I wish she'd have been called the other name, but since it feels like I'm the only person with the issue regarding her name if I change it and then it turns out that maybe she was meant to be an Isla then I'll have solely rocked the boat for nothing.

I have tried suggesting maybe a new name altogether that's similar to Isla but not quite the same, so Layla or Lyla as I actually do like these and did suggest these before she was born but he either wants Isla or the other name and that's it. I also suggested putting the other name as her first name and then moving Isla as a middle name, but he refuses to have two middle names and we either use Isla as a first name or not at all. As you can imagine it was hard work and a lot of effort on my part to get the names we both loved prior to giving birth haha.

So I think there's a number of reasons for wanting the change, the not being a big fan of the current name, I also loved the other name, and just having lost all sense of that I had a part in these decisions and that none of my plans went ahead and I lost control of.

As a bit of a side note, all of this has not changed how I feel about her, I honestly feel so lucky every day to have her and she's still my beautiful little girl. I have seeked help regardless of this from a charity that offers help to people similar to myself because I do recognise what I have been through was extreme and tbh I think it would be nice to open myself up about the whole thing to someone that has a chance of understanding. Also his family even though I've found them to have made the whole thing more upsetting and hard work they did help a lot through the whole ordeal because as you can imagine he struggled with being a first time dad doing it on his own, but especially his mum so I'm also grateful for them too. I just wish they understood my side of things a little more.

I think you need to be fairly firm if you want to change the name OP otherwise you will end up thinking your opinion doesn't matter as much as your DHs. He is fine with either name, you are not.

That said, FWIW I really like the name Isla!

Isla is lovely. What was the original name?

You poor thing, OP, sounds like you've been through the wringer.

Change the name, otherwise you'll just keep fixating on it. Once she has a name you love it will feel like a fresh start. And please ignore any teary eyed nonsense from MIL. Hand her a box of tissues and let her get on with it. I feel you need to pull rank a bit and really impress on DH how important it is to you. I'm sure it was a stressful time for him when you were in hospital and he was alone with the baby, but you're the one who has been, and still is, suffering mentally and physically.

Best of luck with your recovery

I feel quite sorry for you both. Do you think you both might be at a bit of an impasse because you both went through a big trauma here? I know you were the one in hospital and you must have been very traumatised and that is very clear. But I imagine your husband went through a huge trauma as well. I can see both why you might feel unbonded with the name and also why he might be extra bonded with it, if you see what I mean.

I'm imagining that such a traumatic experience might also be hard for both of you to talk about and therefore more side factors about the name may become big areas of dispute, when those might not even be the real issue which could lead to frustrations and difficulty in working out what to do next. He might be thinking that you might change it again, or will never be happy with it (as you say you don't know if you like the other name that you were pushing for now) and that is why he is saying this name or the other name. Your saying maybe it could be just a bit different from Isla (like Lyla) might be making him wonder why change it then if the change is so small?

For what it's worth, Isla is a nice name but Lyla is also a very popular name at the moment as well, so it doesn't really sound to me like it's really about the name being too popular or what you were saying about others in the class etc. Maybe it feels very symbolic as you didn't feel you had proper input into the decision at a frightening time where you must have felt like you had so little control. If you are associating it with a traumatic time, perhaps it would help you to change it. It could be having a conversation with your husband more on those terms rather than about all the other arguments about popularity etc might help? Maybe he'd then relax about the idea that you might change it multiple times or you are just changing it because he chose it. It could be he's become very attached to the name because it was something he could cling onto at a traumatic time and he maybe feels quite strongly now that that is your daughter's name having used it so much when you were in hospital when he must have felt scared and emotional himself. Maybe acknowledging that the name might be quite important to him could help you both move forward as a team with whatever the next decision is on the name. I'm not saying you shouldn't change it, but that acknowledging that importance to him might mean that you can change it together.

I really hope I haven't crossed the line with this post. There have been a few posts on here about name regret. I'm sure noone in your family want you to continue to feel unhappy about it. You sound like you've been through a lot and need to be kind to yourself.

The name we originally had set was Eden, but then instead once she was born the name he liked became her first name and one of my other options became her middle name.

I do try to find a balance and talk to him about my feelings and explanations as I want for him to feel a part of this for my sake bur also his. It would be nice I don't feel completely on my own on this decision too. Each time I do try to talk to him or I've said I've made a decision (which has been twice) has now being going on for weeks and he's also stopped calling her her name but calls her a nickname that sounds similar to Lyla (but annoyingly doesn't want her called Lyla as he doesn't like it) but it'd actually be a combination of Isla and her middle name. He shutdowns completely and I don't believe he's really listening to me as he just wants the conversation to end or stays mute and has been this way since the very first time I mentioned I wasn't happy with her name. He says he understands or gets angry/defensive when I try to express that he doesn't make me feel like he does when I open myself up which takes a lot for me and he's the only one I have done this with but he feels we're going round in circles which sends me back to square one since he doesn't fill me with confidence that he's actually happy to go ahead, and I start to overthink that maybe I'm being selfish and maybe I should put up and shut up since I'm the only one with the problem. I've asked him to trial the name even for one day but he's doesn't see the point even when I've begged him to, he said it once in private and then said it out loud less than a handful of times over these few weeks but only because I've asked him to so I can hear it from someone else and each time he's said that he doesn't like it or that it doesn't feel right but then will say he'll have to get used to it unlike me, so I end up feeling worse for it. So I basically need to change it suddenly with no real feeling of certaincy or support that I'm making the right decision since I'm on my own or continue with Isla and wondering what could've been and living with a sense of regret. Also as you can tell he's as stubborn as a mule so I run the risk of taking back the chance to change it if I try talking to him much more now.

I think maybe you have to decide for yourself what you really want. You said above you said you'd come to a decision twice already. Could he think you'll never settle on a decision or that it will change again?. If the name Isla makes you feel really uncomfortable as you said or has negative associations for you due to the time in hospital and how everything happened please don't feel guilty or that you are being selfish. Many on here have talked about this issue before and sometimes it seems like it can get quite obsessional when someone is not feeling good as someone said above. Perhaps let your husband read some of the other threads on this subject as could make him understand more that this is a thing people can go through? Could the overthinking and changing your mind be part of a greater anxiety? Might it help you to just to talk to someone neutral? I can understand why he might be reluctant to trial a new name before deciding on it as he could feel funny or self conscious about this.

I wish you lots of luck. Try not to fret too much. Remember that people can change their names when they are older if they want to so it's not the huge responsibility you are maybe building up in your head. I had a name I was always called and an official name I didn't like. And they weren't even related to each other just to be extra confusing. It was a bit of a nuisance at school so as soon as I could I just changed it to the name I've always been called and is me. I was happy with that. It wouldn't occur to me to be worried about this in terms of the exact look of the bc or to blame my parents about it.. I love them greatly and it's really not a big deal.

I don't know if this just adds to confusion but thinking about you not understanding about the Isla and Lyla thing, although a similar sound they have quite a different meaning and feel. There are names that sound a bit like Isla with more of a similar sound and meaning like Iona for example. Also the name Skye which is another Scottish island. You said you are no longer sure about your original name you wanted either. Perhaps both names are just associated with a difficult time for you and maybe choosing something else could allow the pair of you to move on. But if you do want the other name it sounds as though your husband will change it but just wants you to decide.