Are they too similar/close...

[Bea2022]

Expecting a baby boy and have very different taste in names to DP! There’s also a lot of names we feel we have to rule out due to friend/family connections which is making finding a name very difficult.

One name we can agree on is Oliver but DP’s 3 year old niece is Olivia... I’m a bit uncomfortable with how similar they are and I think his sister could be too although wouldn’t say. DP’s not concerned and doesn’t think she’d mind. Is this too close? They live 4 hours away and we see her maybe 4 times a year.

The other name we agree on is Charlie but again I have a close male relative called Charlie! Also see them approx 4 times a year but I’m more comfortable with this connection maybe because of the age difference and also it’s a long running family name.

They are close but it would probably be ok unless both end up being Ollie

The advice is usually that nobody owns a name and the names you’ve mentioned are so popular that people can’t be put out by others choosing a similar or the same name. And with Oliver/Olivia the nicknames tend to be Olly/Liv so quite different. But I imagine you would get a lot of comments on how similar the names are and if you are uncomfortable about that then it might be worth avoiding it.

I wouldn’t shorten it but I know it could well happen at school or through choice when they’re older!

I wouldn’t mind the comments from my family if we went with Charlie but wouldn’t particularly enjoy them from DP’s family for Oliver.

I’m still hoping we may have some inspiration from outside the top 10 but anything more unusual we can’t agree on!

Why are you ruling out names because of friend/family connections? There will be no names left!
Call your baby what you want to call your baby.

@bcc89

Why are you ruling out names because of friend/family connections? There will be no names left! Call your baby what you want to call your baby.

Ruling out your niece or nephew’s name is very common, as otherwise the grandparents would have two grandchildren with the same name. Sure, not an impossible situation, but one most would want to avoid. It’s not like your ruling out your colleague’s next door neighbour’s name. And while the OP can call her child what she wants, other people can have an opinion on that, and she might decide the name isn’t worth that for her.

And I have plenty of names on my list that I have no personal connection to.

@bcc89I’d say the same to somebody else if they asked me to be fair but I just feel a bit uncomfortable with the very close connections! Saying that at least 5 members of my family have the same name and it’s never been an issue!

Not that it should make any difference to your choice but if you think your SIL would not be happy with it have you asked her? She may see it as a non issue so you may feel easier to use it.

However it should not really make any odds to your choice of name for your baby.

@bcc89

Why are you ruling out names because of friend/family connections? There will be no names left! Call your baby what you want to call your baby.

This!

I asked DP to ask her but he didn’t think it was necessary. She’s really lovely but we’re not close and don’t really talk when she’s not here outside of his family group chat. Maybe I’ll ask her next time she’s down if I can’t convince him to!

I’d personally not go for Oliver with an Olivia as a cousin unless it was literally the only name I liked and I absolutely adored it and couldn’t imagine using anything else.

Charlie would be fine - as you say, having it as a big age difference/different generation makes it not a problem at all.

I’d only avoid a name if I hated the person, the kids would likely be in the same class at school or it was very distinctive so it would sound like you had copied. In your case I’d see Oliver or Charlie as absolutely fine. And besides, SIL is chosen Olivia so she’s obviously ok with her DD sharing her name with loads of other kids!!

I don't think it's a big deal at all but would definitely mention it to the SIL.

I think you could run it by PIL. They could in turn run it by SIL in a diplomatic way, e.g "Bea and DP have Oliver on their list of potential names but are worried about similarity to Olivia and also how you might feel about it". I think SIL is more likely to be honest with them than if asked directly and PILs can then feed back in a diplomatic way, e.g rather than saying she blocked it they can say more on lines that they could tell from her body language she was not keen, or even take the blame themselves, that they would find it confusing to have 2 grandchildren with such similar names.

Does Olivia get shortened (yet)? Mind you, my goddaughter Olivia has been Olly, Liv, Livvy and Livs at different times!

Good idea but DP’s Mum would probably find that a bit tricky especially if SIL said she minded @WhyOhWine If it was my side my Mum would have been great at sussing it out! They don’t shorten it yet, lots of nicknames but not related.

No one owns a name. Very much under the impression of use the name you love.
I have had imaginary DD name picked out since I was a girl myself (family name on my side)
SIL decided to use a variation of the name for her DD but if I ever have DD I shall be using the name I have always intended

I would use Oliver if a good friend had an Olivia, but not a sibling. It's too close.

The cousins in my family include Emma, Ella, Oliver and Olivia! No one really batted an eye any of the times tbh so just go for it!

It’s not unusable obviously but personally I’d try hard to find something else. Even if you don’t see them a lot, they’re very similar names for cousins.

Surely if you can agree on Oliver and Charlie then there’s potential for agreement on at least one or two other names? It’s not like they’re of a very specific style.

Maybe something like Alexander, Thomas, Benjamin, Isaac, Oscar, Louis, Elliot, Miles, William, Freddie, Jack, Zachary, Joshua, Toby, Harry, Henry, Max, Samuel, Daniel, Jacob, Joseph, Theo, James, Rory…

It is obvious from this and similar threads that there are 2 schools of thought on this. Some people are strongly of the view that no-one owns a name and they can call their child what they like no matter who else has the same or a similar name. Others think it is inappropriate for children of 2 people who are close (friends or family) to give children the same or very similar names.

Although the first view is of course technically correct, the fact that quite a lot of people have the second view means that taking this approach could cause fall-out and i think it is reasonable to factor that into the equation, in choosing a name.

Personally, I would not give my child the same name as a sibling or very close friend, or where the name is the name of a child that had died (even if the parents are a bit less close friends or family).

For similar names, or for names the same as children of (say) cousins or slightly less close friends (but who i still see), i would try to work out which camp the parents fall in if possible and decide if it was likely to cause fall out and, if so, whether it is worth the aggro.

Some people of course take it far too far and i would not have truck with that, even if it caused aggro. For example, i would not rule out using a name that someone else had used as a middle name or a name that someone tried to bags years before even thinking of having a child, even if it causes some aggro as i would regard this as unreasonable.

I have seen a couple of examples where it has caused real fallout, for example a work colleague told me his sisters had called their sons the same name and it caused absolutely massive fall out in the family from which they have never recovered. The other is where a man i know gave his daughter by his second wife the female equivalent of his son's name by his first wife (not quite as close as Oliver and Olivia, more on lines of Charles and Charlotte) and the son was really quite hurt and it added to his feelings of being pushed out by his dad's new family.

So I really don't think it is as simple as saying no-one owns a name.

Thanks everyone! I don’t think we’ll use Oliver but it’s actually made us think about using Noah which we can also agree on but had been ruled out as it’s the name of a less immediate family members much older child and a work colleagues son (we see each other outside of work if we didn’t I wouldn’t bat an eyelid about it!). Although it’s the exact same name I don’t think they’d mind at all and would be able to run it by them both with more ease.

We really don’t have many we agree on @Pinto33 I work with children so have a lot of names I just wouldn’t/couldn’t use and a lot of friends and family with little boys! We also have very different tastes in names I actually want Teddy (with maybe a longer version on the birth certificate) and quite like Rafferty, Albie and Rowan but DP hates them all and seems to love an 80’s name! Oliver and Charlie are really a compromise and not what either of us would pick as top choices if we didn’t have to agree!

PLEASE stop thinking you need to "run the name by" distant relatives and colleagues. This is your baby.

I know @bcc89 I agree in a lot of ways but whilst they’re technically more distant they’re people I see a lot more of and really value more than DP’s sister. My relative has been incredibly generous with baby things and my colleague was the person who knew about my pregnancy first and a massive support when I had a previous miscarriage. I’d just hate to upset anybody/strain relationships and it would feel like it was a bit of an elephant in the room if I never bought it up! I’m sure neither would have an issue, it’s mostly for me!

Although I can see that Oliver and Olivia start similarly I think in the long run they will change. Olivia’s tend to shorten to Liv or Livvy and Oliver to Ollie. I wouldn’t rule the name out based on a relative you don’t see very often even if you both keep their full names. And if someone in the family uses Oliver later on for any future children, you will regret not using the name yourself if you love it that much. Some families use multigenerational names where dad, son and grandad all have exactly the same name. I would just use the name if you love it.

All your name choices are very well used; Oliver, Charlie and Noah must have been top ten for decades now. If you want a name no other relatives have you would need to go a lot more uncommon, like I dunno...Ezekiel or Francis! But that isn't your taste obviously, so you just have to accept that someone you know well might have the name as well.

Fwiw, I'm really relaxed about cousins having similar names. I think Oliver would be fine if you loved it the most. Noah or Charlie equally fine.

I also wouldn't use Oliver with a cousin Olivia, especially if it's a compromise name anyway.
I probably wouldn't check with friends though unless they were very close.
One of my DC's has a very uncommon name and a friend used it for her DC a few years later. My dc was enormously flattered!