Using the father's name as son's middle name

[Emilia993]

So my son's father has a beautiful name, but he goes by his NN. However loved the name before meeting him because it is a character out of my favourite book. I got a first name for my son and for different reasons I couldn't use some other nice middle names. However his father's name meets all the criteria. BUT his Dad and I aren't together, he has never met his son and doesn't want to be involved (although he said he wants to meet him, but I doubt that). We aren't really in contact, as soon as the Child support is through, I can cut off the ties. I am just feeling bit insecure about using his name as my son's middle name. When I think about the name, I first think about the character's name, as said before his Dad usus his Nickname (e.g. Ben instead of Benjamin). Does it seem to weird? I just really have a connection to this name. Thanks for your input :)

I'd use it because it has a connection with you.

Make sure he has your surname though.

Your child may resent sharing a name with his absent father. I wouldn't do it.

You're mad. Don't use the name. Why would you remind a child of the man who has abandoned him. The literary reference/meaning is pointless in comparison to it being his fathers name.

Sorry, op, I would never use the name of a father that has abandoned his child, not as a first or middle name. Not a chance in hell, no matter how much you love the name. It's a slap on your child's face, honestly.

I guess I wouldn't tell him his father's first name, just the NN and at some point when he is old enough to understand, explain the reasons why I choosed this name.

I wouldn’t do it, my daughter has the female version of her dads name as a middle name and now I can’t stand it (he is also absent) but I can’t change it as he is on the bc

Ex's middle name was his absentee father's. Did not bother him in the slightest. Bottom line is - your son at some point will ask about his Dad. That's on his Dad not you. If it's a nice name, use it. It does also 'nod' to his Dad so there is the link there to his ancestry, whether Dad sees fit to step up or not. Son will know that you were not against them meeting even if that does not transpire. All kids want to know their roots - no harm having the name, some photos, last known address to pass on. He keeps your surname. You retain parental responsibility.

Many kids have their absent fathers name.

Many change it ASAP or go by their mothers name.

Why risk it?

Does it not occur to you how it may feel for the child? Having a constant reminder of someone who isn’t around and abandoned them? My daughter has asked to change her surname to mine, again we can’t because he is on the bc.

The link to the book came first though.

She's not naming him after the dad.

I just don't know tbh.

Why would you even consider it? Ridiculous.

Choose your second favourite book character, or don't. It's not a problem if a kid has no middle name, you really don't need a "criteria" for it.

"The link to the book came first though."

So? Lots if things came before my kids - but my kids come first now.

@LoopTheLoops

Does it not occur to you how it may feel for the child? Having a constant reminder of someone who isn’t around and abandoned them? My daughter has asked to change her surname to mine, again we can’t because he is on the bc.

A middle name is hardly a constant reminder. The important thing is baby having OP's surname. The middle name has meaning for her, and isn't what the father is actually known as. I don't see a problem.

Of course it’s up to the op but she did ask for opinions! And as someone who has done it I do regret and my dd doesn’t like it either, are we only suppose to comment if we agree? She literally asked for opinions, I would question if the op was really over her ex or if it was a way to feel connected to him, I would advise a friend not to do it if they asked

I don't think I could give him the name. I don't know my father and I don't think I'd have been happy to have his name.

I really wanted to call my daughter a name but it was Dh ex girl friends name so it straight away was off the list and that's many more steps removed from what you are considering.

But at the end of the day, it's your child your choice.

@LoopTheLoops

Of course it’s up to the op but she did ask for opinions! And as someone who has done it I do regret and my dd doesn’t like it either, are we only suppose to comment if we agree? She literally asked for opinions, I would question if the op was really over her ex or if it was a way to feel connected to him, I would advise a friend not to do it if they asked

No, fair point, we all get to have an opinion. Worth thinking about. I take it back.

I'm not in this situation and the result is a strong no.

OP I would listen to the women on here probably. Are there any other names that would remind you of this book or character.

Is the name very popular ?

Your child may resent sharing a name with his absent father. I wouldn't do it.

That 100x

Good on you OP for considering it. At the end of the day, we all have to deal with imperfect parents to varying degrees. Giving him the name is the mature thing to do, even if they never end up having a relationship. I knew a guy who didn't even know his dad's surname, it totally messed him up. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I wouldn’t. It could be damaging to your child. Hanging on to any name that you have fixated on is just a bit childish. There are millions of names out there, so choose another one that will not be damaging.

@atheist8mantis

Your child may resent sharing a name with his absent father. I wouldn't do it.

Yes this. I wouldn’t. It’s rubbing your son’s nose in the fact his father doesn’t want to know him - every time he has to fill in his name.

Sorry you are in this situation. Make sure he pays up.

I wouldn't use the name, people will assume you've used the name because it's DS' father's name.

Also, DS may not like sharing any part of his name with an absent father.

How different are the names? Is the connection obvious i.e. the father is Henry known as Harry or Charles known as Charlie? Or is it less obvious like James known as Bob as James became Jimbob and then Bob and hardly anyone even remembers that Bob is actually James on his BC?

The name is more obvious , like said before Ben instead of Benjamin. Most people just know his NN though. And why his father isn't involved is because he got strong depressions (along some other reasons). He isn't a bad person and I don't hate him. I just know he isn't capable of raising a child.

But your child will feel resentful for him not being around, trust me. It’s up to you though sounds like you want to use it either way.