Double barrelling mine and DH surnames - hyphenate or not?

[munchymoo]

Posting here as will affect the name choice for our new baby DD.... DH and I married 10 years ago and I took his surname, our children have his surname too. Regretted it ever since - it’s not a great name plus I really miss my name and a sense of identity. Should have sorted this sooner really.

If just us, I’d change back to my name and DH would keep his but we now have 3 DC and them not having my surname in any part of their name really bothers me, especially as there are no males to continue my name (whereas DH has 2 brothers). Our DC are all still very little so easy to change their names without them being too fussed or aware.

I’m not mad about the idea of children having different surname to me so am considering double barrelling and we all have same name. DH not keen (and refuses to take my name - he’s progressive and feminist in a lot of ways but seems very old fashioned on this one point) but I’m not happy as it is and something needs to change.

If we double barrel, do we hyphenate or not? The 2 names don’t sound amazing together, but if we don’t hyphenate doesn’t the first name just become a middle name? Eg Sarah Smith Jones is still effectively Sarah Jones? As opposed to Sarah Smith-Jones when both names are automatically used?

What are my options? Those who have double barrelled, hyphenated or not - please let me have your opinions!!

I'm not sure but DP and I are giving our DC both our names and not sure whether or not to hyphenate. I prefer the look of it as two surnames, without the hyphen but would be very interested to know whether if not hyphenated if the first name just gets ignored and treated as a middle name.

We're hyphenated - but for practical reasons, DH's surname is a first name as well (not Thomas but something like that) so the Junior Engineer would have ended up as Edwin Thomas Mole, instead of the much clearer Edwin Thomas-Mole.
It avoided confusion all round.

DD and I are double barrelled and hyphenated. The two names are from different cultures so it's a very random one but I rather like it's uniqueness.

We hyphenated for the reason you suggest. I wanted to make sure we're always 'Sarah Jones-Patel' not 'Sarah Patel'.

It's a long name so a slight faff to spell out over the phone, but otherwise it works.

I'd opt to hyphenate the names so they are both used as the surname, otherwise one could drop off leading to unnecessary friction.

I vote to hyphenate -we are doing IVF imminently and if successful then that’s what we will do.

I kept my surname, now ex kept his, DD is double barreled with a hyphen. Myname-hisname because it sounded better that way round, with a hyphen because I think without one my name would have been mistaken for a middle name - I do think that happens. Also have read in another thread on this subject that some have found there can be technical issues where some online forms will not accept two surnames unless they are hyphenated - I am unsure how frequently this happens but it's something to bear in mind.

Did you have the dc when /before marriage?

I went through this thought process when I had kids and ended up not doing it. I couldn't see where it ends - what happens when the child grows up and marries someone else with a double-barrelled name? Their children have four names?

I would definitely put the hyphen in though for ease of forms, as it won't always get recognised as being part of the name and disappears over time - seen it happen with friends who initially chose for the children to have both names. By the time they're 10 or 11 it ends up as just the dad's name if not hyphenated (often, not always in my limited and personal experience).

Kept my surname and dc have dh's surname, although if had not been married then I would certainly have only given them my surname - I wouldn't have double barrelled in that situation.

I know someone who kept her surname on marriage and her 3 DCs
are A DHsurname, B DHsurname and C DWsurname-DHsurname.

I'd use your maiden name as a middle name, so that all of you have the same surname.

You're correct - if you don't hyphenate, the mum's name just becomes a middle name and gets ignored. Sounds like you have already been on the sharp end of that.

As you are taking this stand (for which i 100% admire, respect and support you!), then do it properly and hyphenate. Otherwise no one will even know you've made the change.

FWIW my kids are double-barrelled and hyphenated.

My husband and I both kept our own names (not bothered about having the same name, couldn't be arsed with the paperwork, both have publication records in our own names) but in practice people quite often refer to us all as a family using the hyphenated version. We are both happy with this. (and both have our own names on everything official)

Once again, big respect to you for actually doing something to challenge this small but significant example of everyday sexism.

Best to hyphenate otherwise one of the names may get dropped. I'm a big fan of double barrelled names, it's the fairest way and shows your kids the importance of equality.

DH and I hyphenated our names when we got married, so all four of us are DHSurname-MySurname (it sounded silly the other way around). I like the fact that we all have the same name (and that 'my' name is half of it) but it is bloody long.

It's interesting that several PPs have said hyphenate, because otherwise one ends up being dropped. I've sometimes wished that we hadn't hyphenated for that reason- that it would be easier for the DC to drop a name if they wanted to in the future.

I couldn't see where it ends - what happens when the child grows up and marries someone else with a double-barrelled name? Their children have four names?
My mum said this when we double-barrelled, but I don't see this as particularly problematic. The DC can choose what they do if they get married, just as we did: they can have four names, or pick one of each, or change it to something new entirely if that's what they'd prefer! It's up to them. For me, the kids possibly having to choose names when they get married was much less of an issue than the other options!

I have a double barrelled surname with a hyphen. I think it's useful to have in there.

The first part of our name is a common first name as well so people often don't realise it's all our surname when said. Having the hyphen just helps to make that clear.

@FurryGiraffe

DH and I hyphenated our names when we got married, so all four of us are DHSurname-MySurname (it sounded silly the other way around). I like the fact that we all have the same name (and that 'my' name is half of it) but it is bloody long.

It's interesting that several PPs have said hyphenate, because otherwise one ends up being dropped. I've sometimes wished that we hadn't hyphenated for that reason- that it would be easier for the DC to drop a name if they wanted to in the future.

I couldn't see where it ends - what happens when the child grows up and marries someone else with a double-barrelled name? Their children have four names?
My mum said this when we double-barrelled, but I don't see this as particularly problematic. The DC can choose what they do if they get married, just as we did: they can have four names, or pick one of each, or change it to something new entirely if that's what they'd prefer! It's up to them. For me, the kids possibly having to choose names when they get married was much less of an issue than the other options!

On this point of what happens to the kids when they marry ...

Well DH had his double barrelled name when I met him. He is the 5th generation with that name. I actually took his name so neither part is my maiden name.

We did discuss triple barrel but decided that was a step too far lol