Middle name help

[Martz]

New to signing up but have lurked through threads on/off for a while. Looking for a bit of advice please. Expecting a boy with my husband to be, and I’m currently 38 weeks pregnant. We’d settled on a name, and middle names and were happy with these choices. This week however, his mum has said she’s disappointed her family name doesn’t feature in the babies name (his Dad’s family name will be the babies surname however as this is my partners surname). My partner also chose a middle name after his mother’s dad, so our little one will have some part of his mums family in his name. His grandad has now said he’d prefer my partner to use his surname as our babies middle name- in line with my partners mother’s wishes. Which my partner has now agreed to.

My issue is, I really don’t like this at all. It’s made the name sound double barrelled, which it isn’t. We agreed that we’d each pick a middle name to save any disagreements, but I made sure he was okay with the middle name I chose as I wouldn’t want to give our son a name his dad hated. I was happy with the agreement to use his grandads first name as a middle name for the little one, but I really don’t like the use of a surname for a middle name.

I’m not sure how to bring this up with him as he seems really happy with the choice, but I really don’t like it at all and I feel a little annoyed as our son will have both of my partners family names in his name now. I feel like he’s being treated as an heirloom rather than a person if I’m honest.

Can some please give any advice on how I respectfully voice my unhappiness with the sudden change?

I'm not sure my advice is what you are looking for but quite frankly your opinion should take priority over your in laws so there is no need to be delicate about it at all. Its your child and you have to be happy with his name.

I would speak to your partner about how you feel. It does not need to be discussed with anyone else. I am assuming your husband to be is a reasonable man who values your opinion anyway, especially in regards to your unborn child.

It should be your husband who stands up for you both, as a team. Just agree with him that he will say something like 'now we've both had a chance to think and discuss it together, we'll be sticking with the original name.' Simples. If they moan, remind them whose baby it is!
if you want to offer them a bone, you could say that you'll consider it for the next child if you have one (you don't have to if you don't want to). You'll regret giving your child a name you don't like just to satisfy demanding rude in-laws.

Next baby, do not tell anyone at all what the name is until after it's born!

You need to talk this out with your DP and explain that you feel his (or his mums!) new choice makes the name sound double barrelled and you don't like it.

However since you have both agreed to choose a middle name each and if despite your feelings DP really wants his mother's surname, then I'd probably give in if it was me to be "fair" (also middle names are rarely used so it's not as if he is trying to use a first name you dislike).

Are there any other names from his Mum's side of the family you like? (I'm assuming Grandad is not his Mum's Dad and DP's Mum and Dad are separated otherwise there wouldn't be these issues, since you have said baby will have DP's surname)

Or what about choosing a new "first" middle name together - one you both like, and then using your surname as the "second" middle name? (it might still sound double barrelled, but that way your son has clear name links with both of you, which is the important thing - not what his Mum thinks).

Hi all, thank you for all of your replies.

His mum and dad are still together, she just never took his dads surname as she was from a family of all females so wanted to pass on her family name. For whatever reason that didn’t happen with her own children, so now it seems she wants us to carry the torch for her family name. It’s not an offensive name as such, I just don’t like it as a middle name. So if my partner wanted it as our sons surname I wouldn’t be opposed to that, I just really dislike him having a surname for a middle name. But in the interests of fairness we did agree that we’d each pick a middle name, I just really dislike the one he’s now switched to. His grandad who’s name it is, is his mums dad. He originally picked his grandads first name as his middle name choice, which admittedly isn’t a name is ever choose but equally I was happy with it because it meant something to my partner and we both agreed we’d each choose a middle name. So I feel like I’m going back on our agreement by saying he can’t have the name he’s chosen, but at the same time I really don’t like it at all. I also think it may be a bit embarrassing for our son when he’s older to have a surname instead of a “conventional” middle name- if that makes sense? I really like his mum and ordinarily we get on well, so I don’t want her to feel offended or upset that I’ve veto’d her suggestion or that I’m disrespecting her family name.

I’ve tried to talk to my partner about it this evening, but he seemed to become annoyed and didn’t understand my problem with it, so we both just stopped with the conversation and agreed to put a pin in it until later. I’m not sure that’s going to resolve anything though as I still won’t like the name choice whenever we revisit the topic.

It’s your child and not his mum’s! For this reason I’m not discussing our name choices with anyone. I think it’s so cheeky to expect anyone to include any name as part of their child’s name, it’s such a personal thing and is 100% you and your partners choice (and no one else’s) to make

With your update, I definitely wouldn't be happy using his Mum's surname for a middle name when you don't like the sound of it. As nice as she may be, MIL had the chance to name her own children - she could have used her surname either as DP's surname or as a middle name (if FIL objected to not giving DP his family surname). For whatever reason she didn't, but thinks it's a good idea for your child? That seems a bit odd and unfair to you.

But don't stress over the teasing thing - lots of children have unusual middle names far stranger than a surname, I really doubt he'd be teased (unless it sounds like or spells something rude). Middle names are sometimes used to honour older family members with terrible names - there will be kids out there with names like Gertrude, Norman etc as middles.

Thank you for replying. I’m going to try to speak with him again tonight and explain that I’m just not comfortable with the name choice and I feel it’s something we need to address sooner rather than later as people will get carried away with thinking that will be his name and it won’t be. My parents offered to pretend to be disappointed that my family name hadn’t been included and said they’d gladly look unreasonable in demanding my surname was included as a middle name too now- just to prove a point but I can see that opening a can or worms and causing tensions where there needn’t be any. So I’m just going to opt for putting my foot down and saying that the new name won’t work for me and I won’t be giving my son a name that I don’t like.

Say your child won't be having any middle names and be done with it.

If you used the surname as a second middle name, it won't look double barrelled.

It would just be Jack Smith, full name Jack Harry Clatworthy Smith or whatever.