How did you agree a name with your DP?

[notalwaysalondoner]

Hi, I'm expecting my first, due in July, and am wondering what process people went through to agree a name with their DP? I have my lists of about 20 or so names I really like, that I've been adding to for months. I'm trying to encourage him to come up with at least 5 before I show him my list, as I'd like him to put some thought into it and also get a sense of what he really likes. He did accidentally see my girl's list the other day though and immediately dismissed my top two names... I guess my question is - how did you manage coming up with names between the two of you, and once you had your lists, how did you negotiate your final chosen name or final shortlist? I don't think it's fair that I come up with all the names and he just gets to dismiss some, I feel he should have to come up with some too (that I then get to veto...!).

We both added names to a joint list, which was just a piece of paper we'd scribble on every time one of us thought "ah, that's a nice name". Then towards the end we crossed out the less realistic ones, or the ones that only one of us really liked. We waited till after the birth and both agreed what name felt right (luckily!).

There was no "my list" and "his list", which I think was good as it took away any power struggle... Some of the names we couldn't even remember who had suggested them.

He definitely needed time to sit with the names and settle on how he felt... So many he would completely flip-flop on, and deny that he had ever felt differently! Generally speaking, names grew on him the longer they were on the list.

Some great ideas here, thanks!

I think it’s a bit too late to do a joint list as I’ve already got mine, plus I have been telling him since before we conceived to note on his phone any time he comes across a name he likes, which he hasn’t done. But will try and do that with future DC!

I also like the idea of only crossing off names you hate, rather than don’t love - gives you more to work with. My favourite name he doesn’t like because he associates it with a particular comedian which isn’t a good enough reason to veto it in my opinion!

And I’ll also sit him down with the ONS top 100 and a pen so I can see what kind of names he does/doesn’t like.

He’s given me some steer - he likes Persephone (never on my list but I don’t hate it, bit of a mouthful) and he likes softer sounding girls names eg Felicity rather than Lydia. I interpret this to mean he likes names with S sounds in the middle. We haven’t talked about boys names yet.

We knew we wanted a name from the Jewish bible, so we just went through all the girl names until we found one we both liked, which wasn't used by a close female relative (it's not customary to name children after living relatives in our branch of Judaism)

What sort of names do you like OP? We might be able to suggest some you both might like.

If he likes Persephone and Felicity he might like names like Alicia (A-liss-ee-ah), Alice and Cassandra/Cassie/Cassia.

It wasn’t complicated, no his and hers lists, just a conversation one day when we were in the car when we went through a load of names and by the end of the journey we had our name.

If I were you I’d just set off an walk together and talk about names the whole time. I don’t really understand why you’re keeping your list private still. It sounds like he does have some views and preferences so isn’t just saying he doesn’t know/care.

We found it quite easy, we both liked the same sort of names so it really wasn't difficult- the only thing my DH said wa that he didn't particularly want to use 'family' names (he had never met my beloved DGF who died when I was 18 so he never really knew why that was the name I suggested for our DS ).

We didn't really haha! We made a little of names we both sort of liked, but we didn't know whether we were having a boy or a girl.
When I had my little boy I was absolutely off my face on diamorphine and told my OH he could name our son....after a few days when I came down from all the drugs and adrenaline I really wasn't too keen on his name, but the more I looked at him the more it stuck and now I couldn't imagine him with a different name 🥰

We both wrote 'long lists' of about 20-30 (total for both sexes). Then looked at each other's lists, vetoed a few, discussed some, then drew up a short list from what was left.

The short-list had about 5 to 8 for each sex. Then we discussed from there, chose first names, played with possible middle names, then chose a combination.

We had different tastes and quickly vetoed some of each other's. Luckily we did have some overlap in the middle and some surprising coincidences in names we liked.

You cannot carry on with 'the person who cares does all the thinking, the person who cares less, vetoes everything and eventually gets to choose'.

He needs to put his own proposals where his mouth is and you need a fair, balanced system for distilling both your ideas down to a shortlist.

We like classic names so we went through the family trees (yes, we both have formal family trees dating back a few hundred years, we are weird) to find something we liked. Both girls and boys name came from DH side as it happens. We found boys names much more difficult and he had already dismissed one of my favourites.

It is Miranda OP? Shakespearean and she's not that famous now (nor will be in future).

Sounds like he likes soft, frilly, feminine names. But he needs to work that out for himself and come up with some positive suggestions.

It's so much easier and lazier to be negative than positive!

We have been ttc for over a year so have had plenty of time to talk names, but basically every time I (or he) heard or thought of a name we like, we’d write it on a note we each have on our phones, then at intervals (when we want to rub it in that we’ve no actual baby to name 👀) we compare, cross off any hard nos, move the ‘maybes’ down the list and bump the ‘yeses’ up!
We’ve 99% decided on names now... Altho knowing our luck, when we do get there, baby will look nothing like our choice 😂

We used the ONS lists. I asked DH to go through and highlight the ones he liked and I did the same. We then put all the highlighted ones onto a shortlist to discuss. Luckily we have similar taste so picking a name has never been too tricky.

It's not too late to make a joint list. Just copy your list onto a piece of paper, and add Persephone and any other names he's shown a liking for. Then leave it on the kitchen table.

Unlike PPs I don't think it's a problem that he isn't coming up with ideas. He may simply be less interested than you; it's not uncommon. At least he's not set on naming the child after his great-granny Gertrude! This could be good news for you - he might just need the opportunity to get used to the names you've suggested and grow attached to one.

The name we went for was not one I would have come up with by myself, but it grew on me loads because he liked it, so it became special to me too.

We just chatted about names we liked. We could each veto a name that we disliked.
We came up with a few that we both liked and one we both loved.

My husband chose both our son’s names because I simply had no clue.

The first one I wasn’t keen on but agreed to it a few hours after the birth because I didn’t have any other ideas I love his name now though.

The second son, we agreed to it before the baby was born. It was a name my husband really liked, there were none I felt particularly strongly about it, so we went with it.

It always made me smile because me and my sister were both named by our dad and I always used to think, “what kind of mom doesn’t feel strongly about naming her child? - and so I guess that that’s me

We printed off two lists of the top 100 names and both went away and ticked the ones we preferred. Those names then went onto a shortlist. We decided on our name in labour as the doctor who was delivering the baby had one of the names from the list

It wasn’t until a couple of months before due date that he’d happily suggest names but rather than just getting a veto I’d recommend rank ordering instead.
So if you have 10 on a list he has to put them in order of best to worst.

It makes you think about the names a bit more rather than instant dismissal. You of course do the same with his list.

We did this a few times until we had a short list of 5 possible names, any new ideas were added to the list but again rank ordered and only the top 5 kept and so on.

If you both rank order just one list of s combined list then you start to see where your ideas match

Buy him a baby name book (they must still get published) and a highlighter and set of post-its and make him do a couple 30 min sessions??

But I do think a fair few men don’t give that much of a shit, as long as they don’t hate it. If you have one of those, I would double down and do a longer list - say 25 of each - so he can knock out a few. Maybe do some different styles so you get a senses of what works for you both.