Adult name change

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I was in a very volatile and toxic abusive relationship. I met him while we were in the army and I have gotten out while he stayed in. I reported his physical, verbal and emotional abuse in feb 2019. Then with an advice, I went through a move, a phone number and name change, changing my last name (it was a married name though I’d been divorced for 12 years by then) to my maiden name I used when I lived in Japan (so I’m the odd one in the family). My family doesn’t know this change cause I was embarrassed to even let them know about the abuse. In addition, my family was on his side telling me I deserved it cause I was probably a hothead and caused his anger. I stopped speaking to my parents in 2016. I stopped talking to one of my sisters two years ago. They never visited me, even though I said I would get them airline tickets.

Anyways, his elimination board was in October this year. My army counsel informed me that his lawyer might call me. I was shocked that these information was shared with my perpetrator. During the board, his lawyer verified my new name and the area I live (city and state) with my abuser sitting next to him. I was devastated. Since the board, I’ve been getting a lot of phone calls from his area code. I’m extremely scared that he would come here with his guns and harm me if he were to find out exact address.

Now I can definitely change the spelling of my maiden name so it won’t look the same though pronounce the same (e.g eau/au instead of an o). But I feel that I should change my first name as well. I have a baptismal name but I’m an atheist now. So I feel bad using that name. However I could slightly change it.

Do you think it’s pretentious? My sister, the one I talk to doesn’t seem to care much, stating that it may be awkward at first but it would be fine in a few years. The probate court said they could do unpublished name change. I feel like picking a completely new last name since I no longer speak to my family. I was also advised to anglicise my last name so they won’t know or won’t get any info by picking all asian last name.

So what do you think? Should I change my first name even though it means I will have to explain to my potential employer (I’m applying for jobs now) that my military discharge paper has my current first name on it while my first name is changed and why even though I feel it’s none of their business?

And should I pick a completely new last name instead of changing the spelling of my maiden name?

Thanks for reading a long story and for your input in advance.

I'm sorry for all that you have been through and are going through.

Firstly I don't think it is pretentious at all to change your name. You have very good reasons for doing so, but even if you just wanted to change any or all of your names because you didn't like them that would still be fine and not pretentious.

Do what you feel comfortable with, but in my opinion you have good reason to completely change your last name. Don't just change the spelling or anglicise it - make it something he would never think of and that you like. Even if you had a good relationship with your family it would be fine (and safer) to do this. A name doesn't make or break a relationship.

I would also change my first name if I were you, as long as you are comfortable doing so. You are frightened of him and it sounds like you have good reason for being so. It can be explained to potential employers if necessary ( or even just vaguely - 'I had strong personal, private reasons for doing so'). Whether or not you are an atheist is irrelevant to whether you keep your given (Baptismal) name or not. Rather than going through the process twice just do it all at once.

Best wishes.

Sorry for all your trouble.
Absolutely change names and not to same sound because he might hear it. Different initials so he doesn't spot them.
Use something significant for you. People I know who had to do this used eg mother's maiden name or a patronymic for surname, and obscure nickname for first name.
However, this forum is for baby names, it sounds like you need real world support from an identity expert.
Name changes are not uncommon, and often for boring reasons, so when you are telling people, no explanation is necessary. Look them in the eye and say " "New Name" is my name" firmly.
Good luck.

Completely echo the comments above. It sounds like you have a very good reason for wanting to change your name and it might be a good psychological change so you have a proper fresh start.

In regards to future employers, it is one of their business WHY you changed your name. Of course you have to demonstrate the change (e.g. produce the deed poll certificate) to prove that a change took place but it is completely up to you whether you choose to share the reason behind it.

With respect to your sister, there's no reason why she shouldn't continue to call you by your current first name even if you make the legal change. That's up to you and her to decide.

In your circumstance I think that changing your name again is absolutely the right thing to do and I would be furious with the lawyer who announced your first change to the court.

Go for it. It's your life, your name. Do what makes you feel comfortable . People will get used to it.

Change both.
Can you complain that this info was given out also?
As a victim of abuse is this info that he should not have been given?
I would make a formal complaint regarding this.

I used to volunteer at my local women's refuge, there was one particular lady that had to change her whole name and children's names before she got housed so her abuser wouldn't be able to find them , we always advised to fully change (all names) to something different but with a similar /familiar ring to it so you recognise it, change your phone number and do not share with anyone you don't trust , keep off social media all it takes is someone to recognise you , if you feel you can let your work place know of your situation they will likely put in safe guarding if they can\ if appropriate .. also I know it's disruptive but if you feel in danger then move , are the police aware of your situation? If you are worried for your life there are steps that can be taken,a call to your local police station may help x I'm sorry you have been though this ,please try to take action to stay safe x