Should name choice be 50/50?

[mhn1]

Bit of an interesting one...
Do you think the decision of a baby name should be completely 50/50 between you and your partner?
I've spoken to people with varying opinions! Some say it should be completely 50/50, others have said to me "you're the one squeezing it out, you have the final say!!"

disclaimer this does not reflect my own viewpoint! Looking forward to hearing your views on this one...

Both parents should agree on the name

That means one or both may have to compromise, and that should be sorted out together in discussing n.

And both get a veto. It might mean not using a name one parent has secretly always dreamed of, because it's wrong that the other should put up with one they simply do not like.

There are thousands of names to choose from, so even if it takes oodles of discussions mutual choice is achievable.

There are going to be all sorts of parenting discussions over the years of childhood. Start as you mean to go on, and I think thrashing things out until you find a mutually acceptable conclusions n is the best way. For thus and for everything

I am of the opinion it should be a joint decision. I dislike the whole "you are doing all the work" getting pregnant is a team effort and imo parenting should be so continue as a team.

Ideally a joint decision!

However if the father's surname is going to be used, the mother gets veto/final say on the (hopefully mutually agreed) choice of first names.

I think it depends on the situation . If the mother wasn’t dating the father then I think she should get the final call on the name . She’s the one likely raising the child . I think it would be disrespectful though to not consider the father when picking a name.

However I’m married and my husband and I have always agreed on names . It’s hard to say if it’s 50/50 though as there have been certain names he has liked more than me and vice verse .

I would always aim to have a name that both parents like and agree on. I’d hate to feel like I was pushing a name onto my DH that he didn’t like.

However, if you really reach deadlock then yeah, I think given that mother has carried and pushed baby out, she gets a little extra sway - especially if father gets to give his surname to the baby. I get quite angry when I see threads with the father trying to push his first and last name choice on to the baby, with little regard for how much the mum has gone through to grow the baby!

I hate the idea that in a marriage things are divided in half. My daughter isn't half mine and half his, she's all mine and all his. So's the house! You aren't sharing a bag of sweets between children. You need to keep talking until you find a name you both love that goes beautifully with your surname 😉We kind of always knew what my son would be called even before I fell pregnant with him, bit my daughter's name isn't one I had ever considered. But it reflects back to us what we want it to.

Funny I was having this conversation with dp over the weekend. I am pregnant with our first child together, we both have kids from previous relationships. His idea was that if it’s a girl I would choose and a boy he would choose. I prefer the notion that we both put names on the table and decide what we like/don’t like and go from there.

I have a strong inkling this is a girl so we have agreed on a second name - he’s not fussed on the second name as it doesn’t get used really so he was happy to go with my suggestion.

I think both parents need to be happy with the choice of name, unless it's a situation where the parents are no longer together.

For me & DH it was easy - we've similar taste and he agreed with all my suggestions. So I suppose me making the name suggestions means I got a bit more than 50/50!

Both need to love the name- plenty of names I loved I didn’t use and vice versa.

Have loved reading your replies. My partner and I are currently expecting a little girl. There is a name that is his absolute favourite, which I do really like. However there is a name that I really love but he just shuts it down straight away (I spoke about this name even prior to TTC). I'm finding it really hard to let go of the name that I LOVE

I've tried to make jokes like "we'll see how you feel when you've seen me go through labour" but he doesn't like that stance at all. I get where he's coming from but I'm clutching at anything to persuade him!

You never know OP she may not look like the name. The name I loved didn’t stick at all when my daughter was born and we went for the name that I liked but my husband loved. Don’t feel you have to pin the name down before she’s here

@mhn1

Have loved reading your replies. My partner and I are currently expecting a little girl. There is a name that is his absolute favourite, which I do really like. However there is a name that I really love but he just shuts it down straight away (I spoke about this name even prior to TTC). I'm finding it really hard to let go of the name that I LOVE

Is she having his surname? Then you get first dibs on the first name. This goes flipping double if you are not married, and therefore plan to break the tradition of a baby having its mother's surname (yes that IS the traditional way... it's just that almost all mothers would have been married and have changed their surname).

Plus: if your partner is being a tiny bit of an arse and hoping to bulldoze you by completely refusing to engage on the name you love - then the only fair way is to take the name he loves off the table too. And you start again. You don't get your favourite? Then he does not get his. You don't love it, after all.

Do remember that if you're not married, it's totally up to you anyway...

I know you have posted in a gentle way, but your post made me quite angry actually. I really don't like the idea of your partner's lightly bullying approach to this.

Might be time to remind him that without a marriage certificate, what goes on that birth certificate is your decision only.

Tell him you would like a proper discussion of the name you love. Because right now, that is definitely going to be the first name.

Don't let him bulldoze you. You sound a bit too nice here!

@mhn1

I've tried to make jokes like "we'll see how you feel when you've seen me go through labour" but he doesn't like that stance at all. I get where he's coming from but I'm clutching at anything to persuade him!

You don't need to persuade him.

You can dig your heels in just as much as him.

First you say that if he won't discuss your favourite name, his favourite is definitely out.

Then you discuss surnames...

I think it should even if that means you end up with a name that is not either of your favourites. DH was very keen on Andrew and I didn't want that at all, my favourite was Edward/ Teddy which he hated, so we ended up with two nice names that we both like but didn't adore, and that I certainly didn't consider in my decades of idle baby name planning.

My exh was not convinced about ds10s name but I absolutely insisted on it, it was the name for a boy I has always wanted and I was the one who endured HG, becoming the size of a narwhal and a c section. We compromised with exh choosing 2 middle names for ds. He know calls ds a shortened form of his name which he likes. I use the full version which is my preferred. Ds likes both versions of his name.

In theory it should be 50/50 but in reality there are a lot of men who bully their partner into letting him
have his own way; this is much more common than mothers insisting on their choice against the wishes of the father. There are also a lot of women who give their children the father's surname and not their own without even questioning it or considering a different way.

So while the theoretical ideal is for mothers and fathers to have an equal say, the fact is that we don't make these decisions in a vacuum, and we're affected by social conditioning (that makes men more likely to expect and insist on getting their way, and women more likely to let men have their way) and convention (everyone expects a child to be given its father's surname).

So if we have to compensate for that inequality by reminding a mother that she's the one who brought the child into the world, so be it.

@Love51

I hate the idea that in a marriage things are divided in half. My daughter isn't half mine and half his, she's all mine and all his. So's the house! You aren't sharing a bag of sweets between children. You need to keep talking until you find a name you both love that goes beautifully with your surname 😉We kind of always knew what my son would be called even before I fell pregnant with him, bit my daughter's name isn't one I had ever considered. But it reflects back to us what we want it to.

exactly this.

It is a joint decision, which means you keep going until you find something you both like.

What @AuntieStella said in the first reply.

In response to your second post, no, I don't think anyone should try to use a name the other person really dislikes for their child. There are thousands of names out there - you keep going until you find one you both like.

It's important you both agree on the name. Having said that my husband doesn't like my favourite name choice for DS2 and I'm still hoping he'll change his mind 😆.

@mhn1

Have loved reading your replies. My partner and I are currently expecting a little girl. There is a name that is his absolute favourite, which I do really like. However there is a name that I really love but he just shuts it down straight away (I spoke about this name even prior to TTC). I'm finding it really hard to let go of the name that I LOVE

my dh is dutch.

Some names I really loved, and one in particular that I had set my heart on if I ever had a girl, do not work at all in Dutch.
We really had to look at names that worked in both langauges and had to agree to veto any name with th in or g, due to pronunciation.

That knocked out some more favourite names.
But the thing is, this is half his child and half mine. Not only that but this child needs to be comfortable in both countries and have a name which works in both languages.

My kids are all teens now, and I don't regret any of the names we chose, even though none of them were names I would have been interested in before I met dh.

Sorry but the replies that say because you’re not married you get to make 100% of the decision make me really angry. My partner and I have been together 20 years and choose not to get married, doesn’t mean that we aren’t as committed as couples who are married. Doesn’t mean that I get to choose everything for our children because he is not as equal as me as a parent.

At what point does the 100% not become 100%. If we split up because we’re not married would I become 100% financially responsible for them. Of course not. Are men only allowed to step up and be parents and make decisions when we decide that’s ok.

Names should be something that both of you agree on. If one of you doesn’t like it you move on until you find one that you do.

I am bit at people saying dh is bullying.

Maybe he is, only you can say.

But there are some names I really seriously dislike and would not ever consider, if they had been dh's favourite name, then still, absolutely no, I am not using that name.
Why is that OK for me to say, but not for dh? I would be genuinely really upset to have to call my child by some names. I assume dh has the same feelings about some names.
I don't think that is bullying to just say no way for some names.

As pp said, both partners get the right of veto.
I find the idea of saying - you don't like my favourite name, so your favourite name is also off the table, is so petty, it really makes me wonder about people's relationships.

But if the idea of bullying strikes a chord with you, then listen to that internal voice.

There needs to be agreement and I don't think being the one who gives birth gives you naming rights. There's a real sourness to some of the comments which tell you that you have full say and a right to decide. What a way to start a child's life, with a spiteful "it came out of me and we aren't married so shove your choices" sort of attitude to their other parent.

I suspect DH does not love our dc's names as much as I do, but he agreed to them. He vetoed other names, so it's not like he felt unable to say if he disliked a name. I vetoed some names. We tossed others around until we came up with ones we were both happy to call our dc. I didn't get to use my favourite boys names, he said no to them, he didn't get to use his favourites as I said no to those. We're adults who love each other enough to have children together so we compromised, we didn't insist on winning.