Am I being unreasonable

[milo2013]

Hey lovelies hope you can see I'm not being a total cow on this post as I am quite concerned. I've also just wrote this out on another forum so I copied and pasted as it's pretty long. Here goes.
So recently married to hubby (2019 nov) he has decided of all time to change he’s surname to he’s mums. He says he’s dad has never been there for him. So here’s my problem if that’s what you call it. He’s mum was an extremely horrible person she was so evil to all her children put them through a terrible time drank and neglected them ( I don’t no how they were ever taken away after all the story’s I have been told). She was very nasty to me verbally and use to mock me and say you can’t even have kids and we even moved in to her house as it was a council house and was going to buy it and do it up (there was/is a scheme if after 2 years I think it is you can buy the property). Hubby had done up bits of the house (she was still living with us) after only 4 weeks due to her extreme drinking she threw all our stuff onto the back yard, kicked us out and made us homeless. I was at work at the time this happen my boss let me take a few days off to sort stuff out. I’m thinking why on earth would you take her name or want to and I certainly don’t want my child having that name but he is adamant he’s doing this. Is there anything I can do and do you think I’m right or in the wrong saying I don’t want her last name. I hope I don’t sound a right cow it’s just she was so horrible to us and I just can’t understand it. I no it’s he’s mum and loves her but I too also had a bad childhood mum was alcoholic and druggy I’ve vowed I would never let me child near my mum as I wouldn’t want to put my child through this I even changed my last name as I didn’t want to be associated with that side of the family. Sorry for the rant / long post just I’m started to really get anxious about both of these thing. Hoping to hear any advice. Thanks xx

Can the two of you choose a new surname together? Does he understand that if he changes his surname that you are not willing to change yours and are not willing to give that surname to any future children?

Sorry if I missed it but are you pregnant at the moment? Or do you already have a DC and your DH wants to change their surname too?
What surname do you have? His old one or your maiden name?

I've said about a new surname he's not up for that. On another post someone mentioned as he's dad wasn't involved he doesn't want the surname because of that but as he's mum didn't really abandon him he wants to choose this name. I replied and said I had a very similar childhood to hubby mum wise and she never abandoned me but when I was at a age to get rid of her surname (I'm too double barrelled) I did. I didn't want any association with the surname at all. X

Sorry yes pregnant he is due in a few months I was meant to change my surname to hubby's but with this year been how it's been plus also pregnant (was told I'd never have children and after trying over 10 years didn't think it will happen I am having more scans and appointments due to this) I have put the name on hold so I'm currently still my original surname but I had intention to change it to hubby's name but if he changes it to he's mums I'll not want to change my name to that. Different question so technically if married but don't change surname I'm I a miss or mrs. I no that's out of this subject but it's made me think x

You are still Mrs (if you want) or can call yourself Miss if you prefer.

Bear in mind as you are married he can register the baby without you and give the baby his last name if he chooses. Equally you can give the baby your last name.

So you're married but using your maiden name? Just keep using it. Tell him you're not swapping your name to someone who treats you badly.
When baby comes, I'd register him with your name

This might get confusing but if for some reason he doesn't change it soon and I decide to change to his current surname but then say a few months later he changes it how does that work as I would of had he's surname but now with him changing it what happens. Sorry for confusion just my minds playing overtime now lol x

Nothing, it'll be your name once you change it.

Why doesn't he take your surname?

Him taking your surname seems a logical solution - you can all share a name and he can lose his surname and the negative associations he has with it.

Married women are under no obligation to change their surnames on marriage. You can use what ever title you want - Miss, Mrs or Ms. To the best of my knowledge there's no reason why an unmarried woman can't go by Mrs if she wants.

I kept my surname on marriage and go by Mrs.

So you can keep your surname as planned. DC's surname is trickier as either of you could register the birth without the other. Would you be prepared to double barrelled DC's surname?

Couldn’t the baby have your maiden name. I think you can do that. Your DP has his mother’s name why can’t your baby have his her mother’s maiden name.

Why don't you both take your current surname? You'll be Mrs, if you want to be.

Because I didn't want my child to have the surname of a person who caused a lot of upset and pain and for the name to be carried on. I had my mother's name deleted because I experienced similar to hubby when I was child. I didn't want that name to be carried on it doesn't deserved to be carried.

Op you have 4 choices.

Take his current name, his Dad's, which represents someone who wasn't in his life in a good way
Take his future name, his Mom's, which represents someone who wasn't on his life in a good way
Keep your name, your Mom's, which represents someone who wasn't on your life in a good way
Pick a new one. Is there a grandparent that helped you in life, could you take there's? Or pick one at random. I've that makes you feel good about declaring your name out loud.

Register baby with your surname.

Let him do what he wants with his name.

Do either of you have a grandparent who treated you well? If so, use their name?

I think I’d be inclined to just pick a new one and start afresh though. You could choose something that means something to you both - a place, a street name, a word from a song, the name of someone you both admire.

My brother and I have my Dad's surname. My parents got married about 10 years ago, and Mum kept her surname.

My surname is relatively unusual, and my boyfriends surname is (sorry) quite boring.

We've decided baby will have our surnames as a double barrel, boyfriend's surname will be first, then my surname, so his-mine.

If we ever got married, we would double barrel our surnames too, so it would match baby's.

Is a double barrel a consideration, if yours was first? You could then conveniently just use your half of the surname if you didn't want to refer to the Mum's?

Otherwise, no one said baby needs to have his surname.

Surely as a couple you can talk about it? A heart to heart?

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