Middle names - should I honour lost loved ones?

[Wingingit2020]

I'm currently TTC and naturally thinking everything baby and we've started discussing names and now set with what we love.

We've decided if we ever have a boy we would have my Fathers name as their middle name as it goes very well with the first (My husband doesn't have a relationship with his father).

However, for a girl, My Mum passed away when I was early 20's and I feel that I should honour her name as a middle name but I know my MIL will feel left out and will want hers included too, so it would not only be two middles names, but two names I don't particularly like / go with the first name.

Anyone with lost parents / difficult in-law's, what did you or are you deciding?

No, never. Quite often, even though you loved the person, the name is dated or awful for 2020, and inevitably, as you’re already experiencing, you end up feeling obliged to ‘honour’ people from your spouse’s family whom you either dislike or never met because they died 20 years before you met your first date, and it becomes some kind of weird familial pissing contest.

My eldest child has my brothers name as his middle name
My brother died at 17 on the day I found out I was pregnant, I couldn’t imagine not using his name
My daughter doesn’t have a middle name as I couldn’t find a name with as much meaning, so we just left it at one name
My advice would be to do whatever makes you feel happy

My son has my dad (deceased) and my FIL (alive) names as middle names. I think it's nice for both of them. I didn't want to give him one of them as a first name as I think everyone deserves their own name and it would have been unfair to choose (though I think in laws would have understood if I'd named him after my dad as he isn't here and FIL is able to enjoy DS).

If I ever have a girl I will do the same with DM and DFIL (if I ever have another boy, I'm stuck!)

It's a personal choice to be honest. I don't think you should feel forced one way or the other.

*DMIL

My daughter has her older sister’s name as a middle name. I knew from the moment I found out I was pregnant that I wanted to do that (if I had a girl). My eldest daughter died 15 months before dd2 was born.

If we have a boy we are planning on using my DH's late brother's name as a middle name. A bereavement like that can leave a huge gap in a family, even though it was a long time ago and I never knew him. It seems like a good way to acknowledge him, pass on his legacy and hopefully bring some healing to the family. It entirely depends on your personal preferences though, there's no obligation and if it's going to cause tension with other family members then maybe best avoided.

Your mother in law is alive, and will get to have a relationship with her grandchild, so she shouldn't feel overlooked in this. I mean, she may anyway, but it would be petty and you shouldn't make that your first responsibility.

I think acknowledging loved ones with a child's middle name is a really nice way of keeping a bit of them with us, and creating a connection between the child and their heritage.

Both DM and MIL names were hideous and there wasn't a chance in hell I was using either of them as middle names. I would have used DM middle name, which was also my granny's name.

As it was, we had boys. DS1 has a variation of DH's name and DF name as a middle name. This is also my DB middle name, and FIL middle name so worked quite well. With DS2, we just picked two names we liked and accidentally named him after a cocktail and an author.

we just picked two names we liked and accidentally named him after a cocktail and an author.=

Now you're just inviting guesses.

Manhattan Hemingway
Cosmopolitan Austen
Whiskey Sour Eliot
Mint Julep Shakespeare.

@Nighttown

we just picked two names we liked and accidentally named him after a cocktail and an author.=

Now you're just inviting guesses.

Manhattan Hemingway
Cosmopolitan Austen
Whiskey Sour Eliot
Mint Julep Shakespeare.

I'm going with Screwdriver Twain

Wallbanger Trollope?

See, that actually sounds kind of cool. Though maybe more for someone you'd like to go drinking with in a dodgy speakeasy than a little boy.

I think honouring your mum with a middle name would be lovely. I prefer middle names with family links to middle names that just sound pretty anyway.

MIL can eff off if she's got a problem with it. She'll be able to have a relationship with the child, your mother will not...I'm sure your mum would be delighted to be able to swap places with her.

My DS has my late father's name as a middle name. I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to honour a dead relative. Your MIL will have lots of time to play grandma with your newborn and build a relationship with them - that should be more important than being in the 'credits'. I explained this much to my FIL and he was perfectly reasonable about it.