Using the name of a 'less desirable' family member

[bluemoon2468]

Bit of a weird one! Our favourite name is a similar name to that of a (non-blood) relative of mine, who was a bit of an unsavoury character. He was an abusive long-term partner to a family member, and was an alcoholic who was in and out of prison for violent crime - very much not the norm in my family! Both him and his partner (my relative) passed away quite a while ago, but her children are still alive and I am close with them. I myself don't have very strong memories of either of them which is probably why I don't have particularly negative associations with the name, but I did meet him a few times as a s small child and grew up around lots of stories of the bad things he did. In our family he's sort of like the legendary villain character if you will.

The name we really want to call our son is a diminutive form of his name. For example if the man's name was just Bill on its own, we want to call our son William nn Billy. We're not telling most people the names we're considering until after the birth, but I mentioned the name to my mum and she said she thinks it's a nice name but it does make her think of 'Bill' a lot and she isn't sure what the family will make of it. She did say that if we like it we should go for it, and they'll get used to it soon enough and forget the association with 'Bill'.

I really want to just go ahead with it as she said, but I keep thinking about the moment we tell people from my family our son's name and I see the look in their eyes... opinions?

Eeesh.

My gut says that if you have to wrestle with whether a name is right or not to this extent, then it's not. At the end of the day you are going to love this child absolutely regardless of his name so there is nothing to gain from picking one that you have rightly identified is likely to cause distress or discomfort to family members.

HTH

Mmm I totally see where you're coming from! But it also seems silly to not be able to use a name that my husband and I both love when I barely knew the guy myself 😬 I'm wondering how long people will still think of the relative and how quickly people would come to associate the name with the new baby and forget about the old association? 🥴

I think your Mum is right. People will soon forget the connection, especially as you're using a different form of the name anyway. If anyone mentions the relative you can say no of course baby isn't named after them, you liked the name regardless.

I think people will forget the association. Especially if it's not exactly the same. Is it your favourite name for definite? Would you regret not using it? If so, go for it.

Gosh.

I don’t think I could use the name.

Presumably “Bill’s” children still have difficult memories of him, and don’t want to be reminded every time they see your child “Billy”.

It seems cruel to make them deal with that after what must have been a difficult childhood.

You’re close with his kids?

You will seriously hurt their feelings. If that doesn’t matter to you, go ahead.

Check with them first. All of them. Or be prepared to lose/spoil relationships.

He was their abusive father. Nice.

I'd maybe initially introduce your baby as 'William' so the initial shock isn't there, then gradually start to call him Bill

Just chose another name. I would be too worried I would be jinxing the baby to become an unsavoury character too!!

@RemyHadley @AtrociousCircumstance he's not their father and he wasn't around during their childhoods (they're all a fair bit older than me) but he was an abisive partner of their mother's during part of their adulthoods, so yes I'm sure they don't have great memories of him. This definitely won't spoil/end relationships - our family just aren't like that. At most they'll think 'that's an odd choice because it reminds me of X' but I doubt they'd even say anything to me directly. But that's not to say I don't want to avoid upsetting them!

Just talk to them, ask them first, if you do care about their feelings 🤷🏻‍♀️

AtrociousCircumstance makes a good (and probably obvious) point here that you should actually just ask them. But try to be alert and sensitive to cues if you do - if I'm putting myself in their shoes, I think what I would be likeliest to do is look aghast (I'm told I have a face which cannot lie) but say "um, no, go for it" because I wouldn't want to piss on your chips.

I agree with your mother, it’s a whole generation ago and the immediate family will begin to associate the name with the little newborn over some distant figure - esp if it isn’t the same diminutive.

If it was too close to home for them to use on their own children then that’s their choice, and their issue. I don’t think that is an issue for the wider family circle. After all, it’s the name you like in itself, you aren’t naming your child in any way to honour him.

Personally I would use it. I would probably sensitively tell the close relatives your name choice though. After the birth for sure so they can't try and coerce you into changing your mind!

Is it an unusual name?

Ds has the same name as fil's father. Fil was uncomfortable to start with as his father was a violent bastard by all accounts (I never met him) but now ds is here (5 years old) he's absolutely fine with it. He adores ds and doesn't make the connection.

In our case, I'd wanted the name forever as my biological grandfather and my step grandfather who I adored were also called that.

Yikes. Out of alllll the names there isn't any other you could possibly use? I agree with ButteryMuncher and RemyHadley, I'd say if you don't at least ask then you're being rather unkind, perhaps even selfish. Although it sounds like they'd probably lie and say it is fine which I think you're aware of already...

@stitchandbitch101 it's neither particularly common or unusual... everyone would know of the name (there are famous TV characters and a famous football player called it) and most people probably know at least one person called it, but I don't know of anyone else called it in my personal life.

@whatausername there are no other names we both like as much 😕 we could just use a different name but it would definitely feel like going with a runner up.

Thanks to those of you who suggested asking them. I think my concern in that regard is that I know they would just say yes use it, regardless of how they really feel about it, so I'm not sure what it would achieve? It might also reinforce the connection between the two names if I go around pointing it out to everyone? Whereas if I say, here's 'William' and use his full name at first I wonder whether they'll make the connection to 'Bill'?

Hi,

I'd use the name. The name is just that a name.

We all hear names that have positive or negative connections to it but we can't avoid hearing those names for the rest of our lives.

And like you say the name will bring a positive connection to it in the form of your baby boy X

I wouldn't use it. My friend named her daughter the same name as the bully who made her life a real misery at school. Always thought that was very strange.

@newmobile that seems very odd! I was also bullied for a time at school and would never in a million years use that name for my baby! Terrible associations for me! I guess this is different in the sense that I really didn't know the person in question very well and have no personal negative memories of him.

Tbh I wouldn't name him anything with negative connotations. It would upset me if the birth of my beautiful new baby was overshadowed by his name.

Would you be upset if your relatives named one of their children the same name as your bully? I suppose that’s the closest comparison.

I don’t think anybody can really predict how your relatives will feel about you using the name. You may find it never occurs to them as an issue, they may feel a bit odd about it but then quickly accept it, or they may be so hurt by the decision that they. It off contact. I can imagine different relatives of mine going for all 3 of those options tbh.

Personally I really wouldn’t use the name.

Typo above - I meant that they might cut off contact.

@RemyHadley one of my close relatives actually did name their child that name a few years ago (they use a different nickname but same full name) 😆 Didn't even make the connection until now! No, it didn't upset me at all! They don't know her obviously, so it would be a bit weird for me to have a problem with it! Thanks for drawing the association because tbh that puts it in perspective for me - it would have been totally out of order for me to have a problem with that.

As I've said before, I really don't have the sort of family who would even argue openly about this sort of thing, let alone cut off contact. That isn't even a possibility. And thank god because personally I think that would be a bit pathetic. I'm not worried about it causing some sort of family feud, I'm worried about how long it might take them to see/hear my son's name and have it remind them of the other relative. If it's a month or so then I'm definitely willing to accept that... if they'll still be making the connection 5 years down the line then that would give me pause.

That name will always be the name of their abusive father figure. If I cared about someone - really cared - it wouldn’t even cross my mind to name my kid after someone who hurt them, however much I liked the name.

I think you’ve got your mind set though.

@AtrociousCircumstance just to clarify, he wasn't a 'father figure' to them at all. Her children were well into adulthood when their mother met him, had long moved out, and one had children of their own. I'm also not 'naming my child after him' which I think is pretty clear from my post. Additionally, both the full name and the nickname we like are similar to, but not the same as, his name. I totally take people's points on board re: maybe discussing it with them first, being sensitive about their feelings towards it etc. and I'm going to phone my mum later and see whether she thinks speaking to them before the baby is born is a good idea.