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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Feeling guilty not wanting mothers name as middle name

21 replies

LondonTowers · 17/05/2020 09:22

Hi!

Ok, cutting to the chase I am expecting a baby imminently. We already have one of each and when we had our girl my mum asked of I would give her her name. I'm not sure if she wanted it as her first or middle name (I was too irked by the fact that she'd actually asked me and then tried to sulk when I said no, we wouldn't be)....

Now....I've started to think maybe I should use her name as this ones middle name but I have to be honest and say I would be doing it out of guilt/ avoiding sulks and trying to make her happy.

I have a difficult relationship with my mum, I love her don't get me wrong as do my grandchildren, I'm very conflicted, childhood was chaotic and there are lots of issues around that.

Part of me thinks do it, make her happy. The other part thinks why would you do that... break free, don't feel guilty and who the f* asks their children such a thing at such a sensitive time anyway unless you are completely selfish!

Might be making mountains out of mole hills but I'd love to hear what peoples take on it is or if they've been in a similar situation.

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Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2020 09:25

I would not be pandering to her because it won't stop there. She had a chance to name her children, now it's your turn.

Scarby9 · 17/05/2020 09:26

Do you have her mum's name as your middle name, or does one of your siblings? Is this a family tradition? Not that you would have to follow that anyway, but if you don't, why is she asking you to do something she didn't do?

mnahmnah · 17/05/2020 09:30

We gave DS1 my dad’s name for his middle name, but in his memory as we lost him some year’s previously. He would have been an amazing grandfather and he was the kind of man I would want my child to aspire to be like. So it all made sense. When we were having DS2, PIL assumes we would be using FIL name as a middle name. We had no intention of doing so, for several reasons. We don’t like the name. DH has it as his middle name and hates having it. FIL is still alive, unlike my dad. And he’s not exactly the kind of person we want our child to aspire to be like. He’s not exactly a role model. So DH pretty much told them all this as soon as it was mentioned ( except the bit about him not being a role model, that would be harsh ) to nip it in the bud. I don’t know whether they were happy about it or not, but I don’t care and neither did DH. Our child, our choice. You need to explain it simply and firmly and not budge.

Orphlids · 17/05/2020 09:40

Don’t do it. You obviously don’t want to. Picking a name for your baby should be one of the most joyous experiences of your life, not something to be guilt-ridden and stressed over. Your mother should never have asked, and the fact she had the audacity to sulk when she didn’t get her own way previously shows you made the right decision. If I were you, I would make a firm decision not to do it, draw a line, and not return to the subject matter in your mind. Otherwise, you’ll not be able to enjoy the naming process, because it will be tainted with doubt and guilt.

You’re not making a mountain out of a molehill - this is the latest event in your troubled relationship with a parent, something that has a huge and profound impact on your life. I have a very difficult relationship with my father, so understand some of the complexities you’re no doubt experiencing. Be happy, have fun picking a name that brings you and your DH joy. Wishing you the best.

YinMnBlue · 17/05/2020 09:45

I wouldn’t be naming any child after someone else. It’s a tradition that sets up too many traps.

Kids aren’t assets to be claimed in a dynasty.

Give them their own names, no baggage either way.

Whatsyourflava · 17/05/2020 09:45

Do NOT USE HER NAME AS A MIDDLE NAME

Malysh · 17/05/2020 09:48

I agree with everyone else. Giving in to your mother will make her happy for like a week, and then she'll come back with other, even more outlandish demands.

I'd never suggest giving my name to a grandchild. If it happened I'd be touched obviously, but I wouldn't expect it or ask for it, or even secretly hope for it, and it wouldn't change my relationship with that child.

Your mother sounds unreasonable. If she ever brings it up, just say you didn't want to (you don't need to explain why, the fact that you didn't want to is enough).

And don't stress about it. My mother doesn't like the name I picked for my son to be born soon. Tough luck, I love it and I'm not changing it.

mogtheexcellent · 17/05/2020 09:49

What's her name? You could always pick another name with same or similar meaning? If you really want to. I wouldn't.

buckeejit · 17/05/2020 09:50

No. Don't do it. My mother is amazing, we're not BFF close but she's a wonderful woman & I have dd her name as a middle name. No way I would have done it if she was anything less than fantastic consistently. I think you'd regret it. What does your partner say?

Malysh · 17/05/2020 09:50

PS - the part of you that thinks "break free" is right !
It's hard and it can feel like free-falling, but it's liberating and exhilarating, and you'll be happier for it in the long run.

elfran · 17/05/2020 09:51

Don't feel pressured to give your child any part of a name that you don't want. Has she even mentioned this to you? As others have said, she's had her chance to name her kids, now it's your turn!

My mum wanted to give my older sister a middle name from my Dad's side of the family, simply because she loved it and it went well with the first name. She felt as though her mum would be upset so she ended up giving her two middle names - one from each side. To this day my sister only uses the first one (from my Dad's side) and wishes she didn't have the other as two is a faff. I don't think my Grandma even cares! When it came to me my mum just chose a name she liked, no connection to either side.

Plot twist: that name (my middle) is now my niece's middle name, and top of my and DH's list for a future daughter. And ironically, I feel conflicted about using it because it was my mother's choice originally!

milveycrohn · 17/05/2020 09:56

Personally, I find it really weird. I have 2 granddaughters, but frankly I prefer my name NOT to be used. (which it wasn't, neither as a first nor a middle name). My name belongs to ME. I would feel really weird if it was deliberately given to someone else.

PermanentTemporary · 17/05/2020 09:59

You definitely, definitely don't have to do this. Agree with the poster who said choosing your children's names should be joyous. The weight of guilt and unhappiness you're describing makes it clear you shouldn't do it!

Original poster

LondonTowers · 17/05/2020 10:00

Thank you all

I did say to my mother that it shouldn't be an issue, I dont have my nannys name..... none of us siblings have any family names. I also totally get why someone would want to honor a relative who is no longer with us
Bit of background.....
We had given our eldest son my FIL name and we regretted it almost instantly as it back-fired (this was years and years ago. My OH was most definitely seeking his father's approval over a grandchild that his parents were gutted for us to be having :( ......) it's all a bit sad, but things are ok now although I wish we had not given him this name....

With regards to my mother, she knows we were burned with this first naming opportunity so when it came to our little girl we let our son choose her middle name as he had been an only child for so long I wanted him to feel part of the decisions (bonus....its one of our favourite names!)....That kinda annoyed me more with my mum as I thought my reasons for not going down the family naming route were pretty good and obvious and she knows how I tie myself up in knots trying to please others whilst trying to exert my own dependence. The other thing is.....my mum really does try to be a good mum and grandparent...Kindof.. its complicated. I'd probably just use her name to keep things sweet but I know in a few months something will happen between us and I will feel really resentful at her all over again!

Anyway, I really appreciate the advice. I find it difficult to come to my own decisions and get tied up with how others feel (definitely a hangover from a chaotic co- dependent, childhood!)

thanks ladies x

OP posts:

LotusClover · 17/05/2020 10:19

Please don't do it! It's your child, so it's completely up to you and OH to decide the name. And if your mum doesn't like it, well tough! If you don't use your her name, she may sulk over it for a while - but that's better than you falling for the pressure and then regretting it for the rest of your life. Deep down you know that you don't want to do it. So go with what your inner feelings are telling you rather than trying to please other people.

And try not to stress about it too much. ♡

walkingchuckydoll · 17/05/2020 10:49

You can't give a child a name that she carroes for life just to please someone else.

Elieza · 17/05/2020 11:49

Have you gotten married and lost your surname and now have DH’s surname? Give the baby your mother’s surname, also yours and your dad’s) as a middle name?

Problem solved. Dilemma averted. You’ve given the child your mothers name. Her surname.

Original poster

LondonTowers · 17/05/2020 12:57

The children have both our last names- one is my mothers last name as my parents were not married and I do not have a relationship with my father. I have never thought about it like that, my children will be carrying down her last name... what more can you want!

OP posts:

Elieza · 17/05/2020 13:16

Hee hee hee. Result

FizzyGreenWater · 17/05/2020 14:02

Definitely 100% no - it will be a green light telling her that being unreasonable and manipulative pays off!

PLUS can you imagine her smirking and preening - your instant regret will DWARF that you felt about the FIL name!

Don't reward pushiness/manipulation - punish it, so that it doesn't keep happening.

Original poster

LondonTowers · 17/05/2020 20:07

Yes I can Fizzy and it would really get on my t*

Thanks all for all your replies, I feel a lot more confident now. I think it's about being in control for me. And, creating traditions that you're not that keen on is a bit silly. Furthermore, staying neutral there is less potential for drama....

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