Fathers name

[thekatswhiskers]

Afternoon all! Hope the sun is shining where you are.. I am looking for a bit of advice regarding DS1's middle name. We've chosen two names that we love for a first name and will decide for sure when we see his little face! I am hoping to use my fathers name, Andrew, as a middle name. Mostly because my dad only had daughters and hasn't been fortunate enough to pass on his surname and I feel it would be really lovely to honour him that way. It's also such a lovely name. DH is concerned that our children won't have any names from anyone in his family... I have already said that we all have his family surname and that would still be the case but I think he's foreseeing his family being a little jealous and possibly saying that we've only used my dads name. Do you think I would be unfair to use my dads name? I really want to use it by DH has planted a seed of doubt regarding family friction I'd want to avoid.

Not unfair at all. If his dad has an awful name you can't put that on your son. Don't let his family dictate to you. My sons surname is double barrelled so it was 'fair' 😂

@Peonyonpoint is so right and OP you should certainly push for it. I hope your doesn't monopolise everything in life!

Your H doesn't*

Give the baby your surname.

You can't sign in someone else's name when you get married!

Everyone uses their original name when they sign. You can then use that certificate as proof you have married MrX and it would be accepted by banks, passport office etc as proof of change of name should you want it to be. It's just a convention though.
How could you enter into a contract signing a name you had never used before?

Wow, so your DH picked first and has his last name, and now he's not even letting you choose the middle name ? I'd be pretty annoyed.

I would tell him that I want Andrew as first name just to rile him up !

Maybe not constructive but cathartic.

I'd stand my ground OP, his family have fuck all to do with what you name your child. If he's not happy I'd make gradually less compromise (moving Andrew as first name and then saying I want the baby to have my maiden name) until he begs you to just have Andrew as a middle name !

@Tigertrees that’s what I thought, I didn’t sign my DH name on my wedding very (got married in a different country though so was thinking maybe it was different in uk and I never knew?). All I would have to do is walk into a bank with my wedding cert to open a bank account to my name? But there’s nothing to stop me using passport / driving license in own name? (I never changed my name but this is what I always believed.

On other surname threads people have always seemed quite definitive that there is not like, a uk database with ‘your legal name’ on it and in fact in the strictest sense you’re entitled to be known as whatever you want?

But now I am doubting all this?

The wedding site confetti seem to think as I do (although they also seem to think changing your name to his is the most ‘straightforward’ choice and keeping your own name is apparently an unnecessary statement ’ so what do they know really.

Marriage is a legally binding document and thereafter (should you sign that with DH's surname) that is your name legally for all intents and purposes.

Marriage is a legally binding contract, yes, and your DH's name is a name you can legally choose to use should you wish to.

Or not.

And you still have a right to use the name you were born with.

@malysh I love that! I'll try it.

Everyone else re marriage certificate, top tips, thanks! DC1 and I will have DH's surname, but I still want the connection to my family in there.

Oh good, OP, I hope you end up with a lovely name you’re happy with! Sounds like you will.

Just did some more googling (was a bit freaked out!) and it looks like in the UK you sign with birth surname, and then unless you do anything proactive to change it, it stays exactly the same.

YANBU, give your baby a middle name from your side of the family, it's the absolute least you could do in the name of equality given that you've taken your husband's surname and will be giving his surname to your child.
I actually think women should keep their names when they get married and should give their surnames to their children (with or without the father's name too) but if they must give up their surnames then at the very least use a middle name from the mother's baby.
Plus you're the one carrying and birthing the baby, as much as anyone wants to bleat on about this not being a man's fault since he can't do it (and they always do) I still think this gives you the final say on the middle name.
DH didn't want to give our children my surname in addition to his - but it was non negotiable and I insisted. If this is important to you, I advise you to do the same.

from the mother's baby family

Tricky one... Either you get what you want, or DH does.

I think a good easy to decide is not to compromise, but between you to let the person who feels the most strongly either way to decide. It's quite a responsibility for both of you then all the same!

That said though this is a bit over-anxious! Our DC1 has one of my parents names as a middle name... DH just didn't really mind!

Wow @Peonyonpoint I wonder how many people are walking around not knowing this. Really good to know though! Thank you, I hope it works out well, I'm definitely pushing for it.

You're spot on @NameChange30 mothers rights ey! I feel it's the least we can have isn't it! He's lucky I took the surname to be honest, I really didn't want to! My line of work made it seem safer at times to have a different surname professionally and personally.

My sons middle name is his Dads name ( which I don’t particularly like ) however my married surname is my dads name ( eg Thomas )
So Andrew Kevin ( DH family choice for example ) Thomas
Also , after the birth , I could have called the baby Hunpty Dumpty and DH would have agreed
Now , I’ve reread , and I realise Andrew is a middle name
Nice name though ❤️

We used my maiden name as a middle name?

Would that work?

But by all means go Andrew if you like it why not, he has his surname!

Well, it’s not for anyone to comment as it’s your right to choose, but in that case just make sure you really do want to have his surname before the kids are here - I have friends changing back to their birth surnames (sorry trying not to use the dread word ‘maiden’ with all its connotations of purity and virginity etc bleurch) after two kids and ten years because they realise now they really didn’t want to change it. And it is wayyy more painful now.

I mean any traditionalists in either of your lives will insist on calling you Mrs Hisname and ‘the Hisname family’ 4 eva no matter what you decide!

Sorry that sounded really lectury, you’re a grown woman who knows her own mind, it just is starting to sound like he wants to choose ALL the names in the family! Which is fine in itself as long as you’re totally happy with no regrets!

Yes, it's a big decision. I don't feel an over-anxious one @heartlake as I do feel responsible to do the right thing here and I didn't want to be selfish. I thought I may have been too pushy I want a name from my family so I'm glad to have had lots of backing on that.

Peony I see what you mean, good to know I can always choose which I want to use. Currently with my profession, it makes life a lot safer for me to use a different name and a the traditionalist in me wanted the family union of the same surname too. The surname isn't a concern of mine at the moment, I was just worried about the middle name. I am definitely considering either using my birth/maiden name or my dads name. Or hey, with my MN backing I'll be giving him both now at this rate! ;)

Well actually it is a great upside to be able to have the choice to use both and have them differentiated!

Professional/home life I mean.

there is not like, a uk database with ‘your legal name’ on it and in fact in the strictest sense you’re entitled to be known as whatever you want?

That is correct. We have very relaxed name laws. You can go by any name you want, provided you aren't using it to defraud, and that name is considered "your legal name", even if it bears no relation to what's on your birth certificate. You don't have to change it by deed poll. You can also go by a single name - you aren't even required to specifically have a first name or a surname!

OP, your son is as much yours as your husbands. It would be unfair for you not to be represented in his name at all, imo. Ignore what his family think - they got to name their own children and they could have chosen family names then. They don't get a say in your child's name.

Your husband is being unreasonable. Your son has his surname, therefore he currently has a name from your husband's side of the family and not one from yours.