MIL dictating names

[HolyMayonnaise]

I posted earlier about girl names as I am hoping so much baby is a girl.

I would be grateful for advice on MIL opinions for boy names. For many years, my MIL has insisted to DH and I and BIL and SIL that the first born sons of the family should be named with a certain letter.

This isn't a tradition that has been passed on for many years, it is simply that FIL and BIL have names beginning with that letter as did grandfather. But FIL is not the first born son of the family so the trend doesn't seem to carry on there... It just appears that they are creating something to try and make a tradition.

My DH is adamant that we will not be abiding by this, especially given he wasn't given that initial and hates the feeling of this pressure on us. We also don't like any names beginning with that letter.

I already feel that I have taken their family surname, as will our children and that isn't enough. We want to name our own children and not feel this pressure which is tainting our happiness.

Would you agree with me or am I being sensitive and hormonal?

Wonder what your MIL would do if your family had a similar tradition? Anyway leave your DH to deal with his mum and enjoy your pregnancy

If you cave now, this will validate to her that she was 'right' all along - and that you have seen how 'silly and selfish' you were being but, thanks to her 'insistence', she's helped to steer you back on to the right path.

Also, depending on how old she is, she might still be alive when your child eventually becomes a parent. If you have a son and let her have her way, you're storing up the same problem and resentment for your son and his wife in 25-35 years. He couldn't possibly eschew the tradition now, could he?

"YOUR parents followed the tradition when naming you, so I can't believe you'd deliberately try to hurt your elderly grandmother by breaking it now.... I won't be around for much longer, and then how will you feel....after all I've done for this family all my life....etc."

Just out of interest, I wonder how she would react if you told her that you were going with her nutty idea and then insistently came up with some outrageous suggestions to 'fit'.

"We liked William, James or Thomas, but now you've told us the family tradition and that it has to be an A, we've set our hearts on either Agamemnon or Arbuthnot - so difficult to decide, though, because they're both such beautiful names, but it'll DEFINITELY be one of those."

Or Gaylord for G, Nebuchadnezzar for N, Carruthers for C etc....

You and DH should continue to present a United front and ignore MIL or this will likely be the first of many parenting decisions she tries to force on you. MIL has managed to get her father's name passed down as a middle name for Male family members. Fortunately we had a baby girl but I said regardless we would not do that. It has come to light that her father was neglectful, borderline abusive and allowed her mother to abuse her. Not a man I would want my child named after thanks. Just say no, we wont be following any traditions thanks.

Just out of interest, I wonder how she would react if you told her that you were going with her nutty idea and then insistently came up with some outrageous suggestions to 'fit'.

I love this idea.

Your DH needs to be dealing with her. She is his mother.

If he is adamant he won’t be going along with it, as you say, he can tell her. Or not tell her, just announce the name.

"You'll find out what we're calling our baby, when it's born"

Just tell her you’ve had a scan and you’ve. found out that it’s going to be a girl. That will stop her going on about the name.

Then, when it’s born, either it will be a girl and you can name her, or, it will be a boy and you can introduce him to her by his name (that you’ve chosen). They don’t always get the sex right before birth!

don't tell her anything - and avoid her!

Why don't you pick a name for this and change the first letter to MIL's preferred letter.

Something like Dames or Dark or Jilliam or Jebastian..

If she is contacting your Dh directly she clearly thinks this idea is led by you. What is your Dh saying in response to her messages?

He needs to be very clear that this is a joint decision by both of you and you will not be told what to name your baby.

He cannot be wishy-washy, he needs to be matter of fact, otherwise this is only the start of the attempted dictating.

Forgot to say, my MIL used to whisk Dh upstairs when we visited their house to have discussions without me in earshot, luckily she soon realised this wasn't working, that we had agreed things together and he wouldn't be persuaded to do things their way.

I would either:

Point out that she got to choose her children's names and you plan to do the same.

Name the child whatever you like, when she gets upset say "we thought you were joking!!!"

Find a boy name that you really love. I think it will help you to stop worrying about this whole situation and be more excited about them possibly being a boy :)

We put a stop to naming the oldest son a horrendous name after five generations when DS1 was born. We just ignored PIL expectations and did what we wanted. Quite easy really.

"Why don't you pick a name for this and change the first letter to MIL's preferred letter.

Something like Dames or Dark or Jilliam or Jebastian..." @MikeUniformMike - this is genius

OP - I would shut this down now with a firm 'no'. I've had a few people, inc. PIL tell me I mustn't give any child of mine a name from my culture, or as someone said "a ghastly name like the one your parents gave you". Every time I am told this I say that the names on my list get a little bit more my culture-y.

DH also shut this down by saying only his and my opinions will be considered and it's 100% our choice. Any name suggested by a family member will not be used, and if it was in consideration it will be struck off.

What's the letter OP?

If you really like the name Dennis, and if it is P you could change it to Pennis.

Hey OP, if you continue to have issues with your MIL it's worth posting on the relationships board.lots of knowledgable people on their and many with tricky MILs too!

If she is contacting your Dh directly she clearly thinks this idea is led by you.

Whatever do you mean by 'this idea'? The idea that a mother might expect to have a major say in what name her own baby is given, without having to consult with anybody else other than the baby's father?

She really does need shutting down, though - with a tinkly little laugh, if need be and a constant insistence that she obviously must be joking. It's simply not up for negotiation: anybody is free to comment lightheartedly "Ooh, I've always loved the name XXXX - how about that?!" - but the very notion that it's anybody's decision apart from the parents is utterly ludicrous. If you want to have the right to decide a baby's name, you have to give birth to or father one.