‘So you stole their name?’

[Milsplus3]

Posting as it’s bothering me (again) and I don’t have anyone IRL to talk to about it

Basically my best friend of 25 years had her baby in summer and gave him the name I’d told her I was going to use. She had picked another name after her dad who passed away but changed it a few days before her csection and announced it publicly before telling me. I was obviously hurt and felt like she done it in bad taste, we’ve never actually spoken about it either so not been able to clear the air. I congratulated her and didn’t comment on the name, I didn’t even say it out loud I just said ‘baby’ up until recently as it upset me. Some people did raise an eyebrow that she had named him that but as my baby wasn’t yet born and I didn’t know the sex they said ‘first born first named’ and wouldn’t talk about it.

As background the reason I picked the name was because it’s special to me and sentimental and since we were kids she knew if I had a son that would 100% be his name. She has no connection and used it because it’s ‘plain and simple for school and work’ in her words not because she liked it.

I then had my son recently and still used the name for him on the advice of NM and MM ladies as I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t stick with it. It suits him perfectly and I’m happy I got to use it after all. Since then mutual friends are making comments such as ‘you stole x and x babys name?’ ‘Why didn’t you chose a name of your own’ ‘are you trying to take attention from their baby’ not even a simple congratulations and it’s upsetting me. She didn’t congratulate me until he was 2 weeks old but has made public comments like ‘they’re name twins it’s nice!’ but I know her style and that she means it patronisingly to make me look bad as when we speak one to one she won’t discuss it and hasn’t called him by his name yet. Many of our friends know the background about the name and why I used it so if anything they should be questioning why she used it and know I didn’t copy her. I don’t want to fall out with anyone over it after all no one owns a name, and I just let it go even when it hurt me for months as I still got to use the name, but the fact it keeps coming up makes me realise my son may be seen as the ‘second x’ etc.
What’s the best way to let all this go? I don’t think they will stop as I’ve seen comments on fb along the lines of ‘oh mils baby x not Laura’s x’ and I know this will continue through their childhood. Any advice?

It's because you're all in the baby stage and everything is very fresh, raw and baby-centric. It's not a big deal though and will soon be long forgotten, along with when everyone first rolled/crawled/walked/spoke.

In no time at all most of the people your son mixes with will be his friends from school rather than yours. At that point all of your friends will have forgotten the drama, as will you. If for some reason it does continue then I'd take it as a sign that your friendship circle needs updating. In the meantime try to let any comments or raised eyebrows wash over you - anyone who gets their knickers in a twist over someone elses baby name saga has far too much time on their hands - don't give any more of your own headspace!

Just tell people the truth.

You are making this hard by being polite in the face of their rudeness

You look them dead in the eyes and say

"You don't have your facts straight and you are being hurtful and rude"

Anyone who isn't an arsehole backtracks.

Totally agree with @SleepWarrior ! It's hard to imagine now when everything's all very new still but months and years down the line these things won't be as important anymore, as you have your baby and their lovely name that you wanted so try not to worry too much about what other people think and enjoy your baby!

Say 'actually I was set on the name X for years and (friend) knew that'.

Thank you all
I guess I just want it all to go back to how it was without sarky comments and cold shoulder. My eldest dd has said a few times ‘our x’ which got to me a bit as clearly hell never be the only one (close to us not in the world) and she’s already aware of having to explain which one she is talking about. I feel like I’d be better off cutting off to avoid all this unnecessary drama but I don’t want to lose her as a friend.

Reply to 'they're name twins...' and say as she knows, you've always loved the name and planned to use it. How lovely that she decided recently she also liked it and would use it, so yes, you have name twins, isn't that nice??

This will pass, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. If anyone asks say with a smile Isn't it sweet, I've been telling x since we were children how much I was looking forward to using baby's name. She thinks I have great taste!' Tell your friend you're really touched she used your childhood choice of name.

Try to mean it and you will feel better.

Why not just tell people the truth?

Thanks, some good suggestions. I’m scared of coming across rude and causing a problem as my mouth often runs away with me unfortunately! The majority of people know the situation but no one will talk about it, not in front of us any way. Think it comes back to the risk of picking sides and no one wants to get involved understandably and it won’t change anything her baby will still be seen as the first x as he was born 3 months earlier.

How would you have felt if she had said ooo, i love that name? Can I use it too?

Is it really unusual?

Just tell people the truth. “I had X’s name chosen years ago due to Y sentimental reason. Friend knew that.”

Then let them work out who stole what.

It sounds like the main problem is not quite so much the name - although what she did and how she did it was in bad taste - but the reactions of others and her snarky comments.

You need to put a stop to it and then leave it. Say you're so flattered that she chose the name you loved since childhood. Then smile and change the topic. Stick to that line and don't say anything else, but do say it.

And look for some new friends so you have some other people to mix with too.

"They're name twins"

"I know! Xxxx knew our name for our baby boy and chose to name her baby that too. How lovely right?"

Just say, 'I had planned to call my son, if I ever had one, Philip, since my Uncle Philip died tragically when he was just 23 and I was 4.
Jane has always known this, and decided to use the name, despite knowing that I was 100% going to use it. They are not name twins.'

Find some friends who aren't twats.

Next time it comes up say you were flattered she chose the name you're using.

Do you love very close to this friend and are your children likely going to the same school?

If not, let’s be honest, they won’t be growing up together. Were you just surrounded by your parents’ childhood friends and their kids growing up? Your child’s circle is likely to be school friends and in turn you will make new friends via them. Perhaps NCT or baby groups too especially in the early years.

Unless all your friends live within the same school area and have children in the same school years I promise he won’t be the “second Billy/ Thomas/ Luke”.

Tell those jerks you're raising the same boy and you didn't want to confuse him when he switched families every midnight :)

Just be honest. Practice saying something along the lines of the following then the next time it vaguely comes up say:

Actually I didn’t steal her babys name, we were always going to call the baby X if it was a boy, it’s a sentimental name for me.
she told me she was going to name her son Y after her dad.

Leave it at that no need to elaborate further

My DS is nearly 10, we had a girls name picked to use,Zara for if she was a girl. 6 weeks later DS cousin was born and they called her Zara so when my daughter was born 4 years later I couldn’t use it. To be honest I am still bitter about this, gave her a ‘meh’ name as my favourite was used. To this day I am pissed off!!!!

My in-laws did this. We picked our name and discussed it amongst family early on. Never deviated. Sister in law and partner had chosen their name too. Until theirs was born and it was announced on social media totally out of the blue when she was born that they'd called her the same name that we were going to use, 4 weeks before our DD was born.

It caused a lot of ill feeling amongst the family initially and it was assumed that we'd change our mind but we didn't. It's turned out through zero input from us that our DD is called by her (the) name, and theirs is known as a totally unconnected nickname

I really don't understand why people do things like this. I completely understand how it feels as a friend did the same to me, and annoyingly we both share a surname). On her birth announcement I said something like - oh gosh, if our DC is a boy they will be name twins! It really didn't go down well at all, which annoyed me as she had known for years that was my favourite and sentimental name choice for any boy I was lucky enough to have.

In the event, we decided to name our son something else and used the initially chosen name as a middle name. This wasn't entirely down to my friend's actions but I would be lying if I said it wasn't a big influence. It still makes me a bit sad when I look at his full name.

You clearly value her as a friend, so it is important to rise above the drama and not enter into it with her or others. I would just state the connection e.g. my son is named after x in my family, or similar, and not named after df's ds. She was aware of it for x amount of years so is no surprise to her.

Congratulations on the birth of your little one OP.

You've every right to be hurt but what's done is done so there's nothing you can do about it now. Kudos for sticking by your guns and calling your baby the name you wanted. Don't feel you have to bite your tongue and be honest if/when you're challenged on it, which won't be for long in the scheme of things. Also kudos for not falling out with her over it and being the bigger person! X

In reply to how would I feel if she asked, I guess I would have still been shocked and hurt but I’d have respected the fact she asked and spoke to me about it first. Maybe I’m being protective because of what the name means to me, if it had no meaning I don’t think I’d care as much. If it had meaning to her too I’d fully understand, but it doesn’t.
Sorry to those it has also happened to, I guess in time I’ll move on from it. And yes it’s likely they will be at the same school (different year groups luckily as hers was July born) and spend a lot of time together, but of course that could change over the years.

Just be honest and say it’s actually the other way around, you chose the name way before your DS was born and she knew that but decided to use it anyway. I wouldn’t be friends with her anymore tbh, I think that was quite a selfish move on her part. She knew the name meant a lot to you and she could have chosen absolutely any name.