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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Naming son after father in law who passed away...

56 replies

Mamaofdos · 30/09/2019 02:03

My father in law passed away sadly last year. My husband is keen to name baby after him. But I can’t help feeling really sad at the thought...

My mother in law has talked about how she wished she had called my husband this name. Making me think she would like us to name the baby Paul if we had a boy...however it is still very raw to all the family. The baby would have same surname too. I honestly don’t know if his mum would be able to say babies name without crying.

I am also really concerned for my five year old. We were talking about names and we mentioned my father in laws name and she said ‘grandpa up in heaven’. So she still associates the name with him and heaven.

Just looking for opinions...

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Original poster

Mamaofdos · 30/09/2019 10:14

Thanks everyone for the feedback. If anything it is confirming how I feel.

I would like the name as a middle name.

OP posts:

MissHenty · 30/09/2019 11:06

I’d use it as a middle name
First name is find a bit too much too

MissHenty · 30/09/2019 11:07

Oh just read your updated post @Mamaofdos - totally agree with you!

Now the challenge of a first name begins 🤣 What names you thinking of?

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 30/09/2019 11:11

If you like the name use it. If not then consider it as a middle name. It’s your baby so don’t feel pressured into using a name you don’t love.

SparkyBlue · 30/09/2019 11:16

If you like the name then use it. My son is named after his grandad who died and I think it's really nice but each to their own and it's your baby so do whatever you are comfortable with.

BertrandRussell · 30/09/2019 11:19

A bit different but.... My dd is named after my FIL it’s a family tradition. FIL died very unexpectedly when ds was 2, and mil found it very difficult for quite a while. It’s lovely now, but it took a couple of years..

reginafelangee · 30/09/2019 11:30

Another perspective.

My son is named after my deceased FIL

He's now 11 and loves it. Although FIL died before he was born and they obv never met - my son feels it gives him a connection to the grandpa he never knew and is very proud of it.

Emthebaker · 30/09/2019 11:36

My partner’s twin passed away two years ago and now we’re expecting a little boy, my partner said he didn’t want his brother’s name as a first name bc it would be too strange to call someone else that name and he was worried it would upset his family having to do that, too. We’re using it as a middle name and all of his family have been very touched and happy about the choice. I’m definitely happy with our decision - it feels like a fitting tribute whilst allowing our son his own identity. I’d definitely recommend using Paul as a middle name, it would be a lovely gesture.

LazyLizzy · 30/09/2019 11:39

Your baby needs his own identity. Middle name is more than enough.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 30/09/2019 11:46

Another vote for middle name. Technically ds is named after 3 of his Great Grandfathers but they all died way before he was born (the last to die died nearly 20 years before hand) and even that took quite a bit of discussion before we were comfortable even though I'd loved the name since childhood.

My df died when I was six months pregnant with dc2, if dd had been a boy I couldn't have named him after my dad. It would have been too raw for me, let alone my mum. It's been hard enough that dc1 and my df shared a middle name.

ChicCroissant · 30/09/2019 11:50

I am another one who is not a fan of naming children after deceased relatives they have never met tbh.

Speak to your husband about this sooner rather than later.

NC4Now · 30/09/2019 11:55

I intended to give my son my late dads name as a middle name but when he was born there wasn’t a first name I preferred. I used a different variant of it instead.
I’d use it as a middle name if you have another first name you love.

Original poster

Mamaofdos · 30/09/2019 11:56

I could understand using the name if the death was years ago and we all had the chance to heal. I just feel when baby arrives it will be under a year since his passing. The lead up to his death was heartbreaking. I feel we have all been deeply affected by it and still trying to find a new normal and get over the trauma...

I just need to find a way to bring it up to hubby. Don’t want to hurt his feelings...Hopefully he can see some people would find it nice and comforting and some people would find it upsetting to name the baby after his dad.

@reginafelangee I hope by having the middle name the baby would have that connection. I just feel having first name and surname the same would be too much.

OP posts:

Ohmygod123 · 30/09/2019 13:11

A new baby is so confusing for a small child anyway. Naming the baby after their grandad up in heaven would cause more confusion I think. It's a lovely thought but perhaps you should use it as a middle name instead. Or hyphen name? My DS1 is named after his greatgrandad that passed away year before he was born but we hyphenated it as was still very sad to just use his name.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/09/2019 13:46

I just need to find a way to bring it up to hubby.

The thing is though, this is not just about the question of using FIL name or not - it's about naming your baby - it actually does not matter what the reason for not wanting or liking a particular name is. Bottom line is you must be happy with the name of your baby and pressure or guilt tripping causes much more problems than it solves. It is too important an issue for you to compromise to the extent that you have a name you don't want. You will resent it hugely. And it simply isn't right.

So you do just need to say to him that you aren't comfortable with the first name being Fil's and do not want that name for a first name. Don't apologise for it.

Rainbowhairdontcare · 30/09/2019 13:50

We are doing this but having it as a middle name. We thought it was a great way to honour my FIL who I sadly never got to meet. We also changed it slightly so from Anthony we changed it to Antonio. You could perhaps do the same? Say Paul to Pablo/Paulo.

Honeybingbong · 30/09/2019 14:07

Your post got me thinking.
My dd is named after my beautiful Gran. She was the kindest, loyal, generous and loving lady I ever knew. I’d decided to name my dd after her around 5 years after she died. My dear old grandad didn’t know and I won’t lie I was slightly concerned it would hurt his heart. Anyway the day my dd was born my grandad had a major stroke. We thought he was going to die. My dd was in scbu and I feared He’d never get to meet her at all so the name thing seemed daft. A couple of weeks later my dd was discharged and our first stop before going home was to go a see great/grandad. See him was a shock, I’d never seen him look so frail. I walked in and sat on the bed with my little baby girl. He gazed at me unable to talk. I just said “meet Charlotte” and he began to cry happy tears and we positioned him to be able to hold him. She ended up been the light that helped him get better. He adored her. I’ll never forget that feeling. If I could bottle it I’d be a millionaire.
Sorry I just wanted to share.

But this is your choice. Your baby. I think middle name is perfect because your fil death is still so raw. Congratulations on your pregnancy

Honeybingbong · 30/09/2019 14:09

^ apologies for typos. I had a little cry

user1493494961 · 30/09/2019 14:55

Use as a middle name.

ParkheadParadise · 30/09/2019 14:58

09Honeybingbong
That's lovely.

Nonnymum · 30/09/2019 15:02

I agree with PPs and would use it as a middle name. It's still honouring him but your DS will still have his 'own name'

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 30/09/2019 15:16

I’m Greek - we name after grandparents (whether we like the name or not) unless there is a deceased sibling of the parents which the baby would be naked after. My cousin named her dd after her late dsis. Her 2nd dd was named after her (living) MIL.

When I got my dog I was so excited that I choose the name myself

Moondancer73 · 30/09/2019 15:50

I'd definitely use it as a middle name - my boys, and my nephews, both have grandfathers names - as middle names.

BeBraveAndBeKind · 30/09/2019 16:57

My dad died when I was a child and I chose his name for DS2 middle name. DS1 has my husband's name as a middle name which also happens to be the same as my favourite uncle who also died when I was young. It's a nice way to honour someone.

Apileofballyhoo · 30/09/2019 17:03

I didn't call my DS after my DF because I didn't want to feel sad every time I said his name.

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