Struggling with which surname to give my child

[Doormat247]

Hi, hoping someone has been in a similar situation as I'm undecided which surname is right to use when my baby arrives.

This is a bit odd but my partner changed his surname when he was a kid as he didn't want to be associated with his deadbeat dad. His mum had the bright idea of letting him choose his own surname .
My surname is actually my ex husband's as I never changed it back so also feels wrong to give to the baby. My maiden name isn't a particularly nice surname so wouldn't really want to land a kid with that either.

Would the best thing be to just use his stupid made up surname? For the record, it's not a horrible name, I just feel it has no meaning.

Velocitygirl - why do you feel very strongly that it makes sense for a baby to always be given their mother's maiden name?

My maiden name was my dads surname, and as he left when I was 3, he has had absolutely nothing to do with my son for over 13 years. Why should I have given my son that name, rather than the name of his own dad, who has been there since day 1?

Are you Kate Winslet?

@SavoyCabbage you're probably right about her having issues with her own dad. As far as I know she had no contact with her family (they'll all be long dead by now most likely) and my bf knows zero about his own family which I find quite sad (and worrying for our baby as we don't know of any family illness/disease).

Yabu not to say the name!! Linekar? Gascoigne?
Higgins?...

I think you have to stop thinking of your name as your ex's name. It's YOUR name, and you don't have any plans to change that. So your child should have your name.

If you want, you could give him partner's surname as a middle name, but not to use in a double-barrelled surname. Just give the kid your name and stop tying yourself in knots about where the names have come from.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz haha if I was Kate winslet I'd be having words about the kid's first name as well as the surname 

@Summertimeatthebeach I can't say as it might out him and no one yet knows about the baby. Unless you follow a certain sport you'd have no idea who this person was he named himself after (he also has the same first name as them 🙄). I didn't have a clue - I just wondered why his surname matched his job

Just choose either, it's fine. It won't matter after a generation or two.

The only options, as others said is yours (which is your name just as much as your ex), his, or you two come up with your own together. I know more than a few people and couples with bad family ties who went through their family trees and people they admired until they found something that clicked together. It's what I did when I changed my names.

It might be inconvenient to your employer, but they don't really get a say in what you're called. As an immigrant who has had to have all my names checked repeatedly (and at times had multiple legal names due to different governments and government departments having different criteria) and be questioned about them, it's really not that big of a deal when it's important.

I'd be really hurt and pissed off if my spouse thought the name I chose for myself (something I decided when I was kid and spent a lot of time working on and jumping through a lot of hoops to be made legal with everyone) was stupid or meaningless or a joke with how it looks with my adult life.

@BiBabbles luckily my partner doesn't mind at all that I'm not keen on his choice of surname.

Maybe choosing another surname from my family tree is an option then. I have plenty of choice as I've traced back to the 1600s. Most of them are a little odd though, not many common/standard ones among them.

I'd be really hurt and pissed off if my spouse thought the name I chose for myself (something I decided when I was kid and spent a lot of time working on and jumping through a lot of hoops to be made legal with everyone) was stupid or meaningless or a joke with how it looks with my adult life.

Meh. That's the risk you take when you choose a silly surname for yourself!

It's cricket.

Jiminy Cricket.

And he plays for a living!

Funny that you would think his surname has no meaning - arguably a surname you choose for yourself has more meaning than one given to you essentially as a random allocation of a patriarchal naming system. If it's not actually a laughable name I think it's weird you are so negative about it. I think it's great he had the autonomy at that age to make a break from his dad. Would be nice for you all to have the same last name if you choose a completely new one?

Why not pick a completely different surname for your child. Something like your grandmother's maiden name, your partner's first name, or Skywalker, or just a name you like.
Kate's child is called Bear Winslet.

I think that from the sound of it, it might be a nice idea if the whole family chose a new, nice surname that everyone likes. Why not take a look through your family tree and his, and find something stylish sounding, or at least something reasonably normal and nice? Or pick the surname of someone you like or admire.

I'd be really hurt and pissed off if my spouse thought the name I chose for myself (something I decided when I was kid and spent a lot of time working on and jumping through a lot of hoops to be made legal with everyone) was stupid or meaningless or a joke with how it looks with my adult life

For goodness' sake, he was a KID when he did that. I think his mother was a bit dim to to allow a child to choose a silly made-up surname--again, a surname taken from the family tree etc. would have made more sense in the circumstances.

Why did you partner not take his mums maiden name as a kid?! That seems the obvious way forwards..

I’d personally use his Dad’s surname. It has meaning, it’s his surname. If you aren’t keen, could you combine his surname & your maiden name together? And all take it? I have friends who were Cox & Shibbden .. they became the Coxden’s!

My other half & I aren’t married but my daughter has his surname. We intend to get married one day, so we’ll all match eventually! My surname is unusual & I’ll be sad to lose it as dies out with me & my cousin but our surnames do not double barrel well at all!