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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Surname problems

25 replies

ellesgirl · 03/10/2018 18:42

I'm due Feb and having a little girl!

I want her to have my boyfriends surname but everyone else is saying I really shouldn't.

He can be emotionally abusive and really nasty with his words. I understand my friends and family, they feel like if I give baby his surname he'll try to take baby off me or take me to court and he'll have more rights! But surely if worst came to worst and he was physically abusive and really horrible with the baby, the court would take my side.

I know this sounds like I horrible situation and I shouldn't be thinking this, but I just want a happy life.

He's so excited for the baby and I truthfully don't think he'd do anything to her, but I don't know because I don't want to disappoint my family.

My siblings and I all have my mums surname and not my dads. I'm so confused

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Aprilislonggone · 03/10/2018 18:44

Def your surname. And register the baby yourself, let him prove himself to you, your family and a judge before he has your precious baby alone. I hope you have plans to dump him really soon?

JLG19 · 03/10/2018 18:45

Don’t name him as the father on the birth certificate. Give your DD your surname. And LTB.

CatOwned · 03/10/2018 18:46

It will be easier to add your bf's name later than removing it.

Be careful, abuse often increases with pregnancy.

TwistedStitch · 03/10/2018 18:47

Listen to your family. Nobody ever regretted NOT giving a baby their abusive father's surname and once it is done you can't change it for 18 years.

NotANotMan · 03/10/2018 18:50

Why do you want her to have his surname? Why not yours?
Having his surname won't make any difference to his capacity to take her from you but I don't know why you would give your child his surname when the relationship is obviously not going to lasts the distance.

peachypetite · 03/10/2018 18:50

Why are you having a baby with this man?

DC18 · 03/10/2018 19:05

Sorry but I have to agree with pp. It sounds as though your relationship isn't very stable so I would give her your surname.
I'd also question how healthy your relationship as he doesnt sound like a great guy. Its nice that he is excited about being a dad but that may not last and he would go back to his old ways. You and your daughter deserve better than that x

PintOfMineralWater · 03/10/2018 19:11

Your surname. You can add his later, although I also question why you would stay with a man like this - your little girl should not grow up thinking an emotionally abusive man is the norm in a relationship.

tartanscot · 03/10/2018 19:16

Your surname, absolutely no doubt. You will massively regret it if you give her his or even name him on the birth certificate. I'd keep him out of all 'rights' and re-evaluate the relationship. You don't want to bringing up a young girl showing her that it's okay for people to be 'emotionally abusive' to her. Set an example so she knows the standard of what's normal and how to be treated.

Original poster

ellesgirl · 03/10/2018 19:16

We've been really good and then the last few months, it's turned. I got diagnosed with depression and personality disorder which was a shock obviously.

He's got mental health too, but he's on meds now to stable moods etc.

Not that this is an excuse, because he shouldn't be horrible but I'm not sure that because of how I've been, if I'm just more irritable then before?🤷🏼‍♀️

And the baby wasn't planned, but she's not a mistake either.

OP posts:

cptartapp · 03/10/2018 19:41

He won't try and take the baby off you. Men tend to talk the talk but you'd be the one left with the vast vast majority of the childcare year in year out if you split. Guarantee it. Give her your surname.

redastherose · 03/10/2018 19:46

Give the baby your surname. As pp have said if he proves himself to be stable and all abusive behaviour stops then you can add his name at a later date but since you're not married at present and he has been abusive you would be sensible to not register her with his name atm. You would be amazed at how many women in abusive relationships suffer from depression which is primarily caused by the abusive relationships! Might be worth you taking some time apart from him until he can prove to you that he's no longer going to behave like that towards you.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/10/2018 20:18

Why is it that youre so obsessed with his surname. Is it because you like the sound of it.

TaggieRR · 03/10/2018 20:19

Definitely your surname OP

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/10/2018 20:20

How about at least double barreling it.
Why should it just be his surname or there is the option of meshing.

Original poster

ellesgirl · 03/10/2018 20:22

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

It's just that his name sounds better with the name we've chosen and my name is quite harsh sounding

OP posts:

whatausername · 03/10/2018 20:27

Give her your name.

Redastherose has given you great advice.

I would question even naming him on BC as it gives him rights and not all that much responsibility. Also (random I know) but do not allow him to apply for your daughter's passport on her behalf. If he applies for one and then you do a renewal sometime later the passport office requires written permission from him to issue the passport in some instances. If by that point his abise of you (and, in all likelihood, her) has caused you to leave him then you're snookered.

whatausername · 03/10/2018 20:28

Also, you won't be saying her full name aloud all that often. So screw it if his sounds prettier, it's really not a big deal.

YearOfYouRemember · 03/10/2018 20:28

He won't turn into Mr Niceman because you brand the baby his. Sorry to be so vulgar but it's how he'll see it.

MimiSunshine · 04/10/2018 08:17

Be honest OP are you planning on giving your baby his surname because it’s easier to than risk enraging him?

Have a good think about what that really means.

And for what it’s worth I’d at least go with both surnames, your baby can be know as Firstname Hisname in a day to day basis if that’s easier but officially be Firstname Yourname Hisname.

If he questions it tell him that all baby’s have their mothers surname upon birth and as you aren’t married and haven’t changed your surname, that means baby’s hospital records / identity braclets will be Baby Girl Yourname (if she was unarmed at birth) or Firstname Yourname.
But you can add on his name when it comes to registering her. I really wouldn’t exclude your name though and have a think about why you’re still with him.

GinIsIn · 04/10/2018 10:12

read through the relationships board. Then see if you still want to give the baby his name.

MrsFoxPlus4 · 04/10/2018 10:16

Your name & not on the BC. Can add his at a later date if need be. Ridiculous to pick his because It sounds better especially when he’s abusive. Think about the advice you’d give your daughter settling for that behaviour, you both deserve better

VickieCherry · 04/10/2018 10:16

Give your baby your surname. He has likely become more abusive because you are pregnant. Don't blame yourself - mental health problems do not cause good men to abuse their partners.

Eeevvvveee · 05/10/2018 13:37

Please don't give her his name. You will regret it.

MikeUniformMike · 05/10/2018 19:25

Why are you having a baby with this man?
Your surname, definitely.

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