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Original poster

How close is too close in family for same name dilemma?

28 replies

Lady86 · 26/08/2018 09:45

My husband is British born Sri Lankan Muslim and I am British born Caucasian Christian. We are having a baby girl and want to choose a name that is equally fitting for both backgrounds. This greatly limits our choice, and the only suitable names we both like are Zara and Eva. We both prefer Zara, as in French it has a similar meaning to both of our first names, so it has a personal connection for both of us and a meaning that we like.

The problem is that our sister-in-law's sister is also called Zara, and we see or speak to the sister-in-law at least twice a month and naturally we do sometimes see the other Zara or she comes up in conversation. They don't live locally and the other Zara is about 20 years older than our daughter would be.

My husband feels that it will irritate him to hear the two Zara's referred to as big and little Zara (so would prefer us to chose a different name due to this reason only) but I feel that is only a small proportion of the time that this will happen and I feel that we shouldn't be forced out of using the name we prefer when we have so few to choose from in the first place (due to the name having to have Arabic connections and also sound fine from a white English background equally).

What are other people's thoughts on this please?

OP posts:
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fizzandchips · 26/08/2018 09:47

Use the name.

QueenOfTheAndals · 26/08/2018 09:48

I can't see that this is an issue - SiL's sister is no relation at all. It's not as if your daughter will be sharing a name with a first cousin!

MorrisDancingViv · 26/08/2018 09:50

It wouldn't even occur to me to not use an in-law siblings name. It's fine.

mildshock · 26/08/2018 09:50

I'd use it, you're not related to the other Zara so it's not close at all imo. If your DH is still concerned you could spell your DDs name Zahra so there's a slight difference?

2by4 · 26/08/2018 09:52

Use it

MrsLettuce · 26/08/2018 09:53

I've had to name children over two cultures and languages- I really do appreciate how hard it is. I'd not use Zara in the circumstances you describe, unfortunately.

Yara is a lovely name, might that work?

C0untDucku1a · 26/08/2018 09:53

I cant see this being am issue either.

Disfordarkchocolate · 26/08/2018 09:54

I would use, it's a very distant connection. Lovely name too.

flyingsaucersherbet · 26/08/2018 09:56

I’d use it too! As a curve ball (and I know you weren’t asking so ignore me and I won’t mind!) but Zena is also very pretty / similar?

NataliaOsipova · 26/08/2018 09:57

Use it. Your SIL's sister will be flattered if she thinks anything about it at all.

NataliaOsipova · 26/08/2018 10:02

My husband feels that it will irritate him to hear the two Zara's referred to as big and little Zara

He probably won't hear that, though. Your SIL'S family may refer to your DD as "little Zara", but are unlikely to do so in your company. Your family will refer to "Zara" (your DD) and probably "SIL's Zara" on the rare occasion that clarification is necessary.

My cousin's wife's sister has the same name as my DD. It has never, ever caused any problems, nor has anyone referred to DD as "little X" in my earshot, although my cousin's wife may well do if speaking about us to her family.

Pinkprincess1978 · 26/08/2018 10:16

That's not a close connection. I have two cousins (one from each side) with the same name and my brother names his daughter the same name (and almost same middle name) as our cousins daughter. They are not close but we still manage to talk about them both without confusion - it helps they use very different shortened versions of their name.

twoundertwo54321 · 26/08/2018 10:23

I don't see the problem BUT it's one of those where your husband does so there is not a lot you can do. You both need to be happy with it unfortunately so my advice would be try not to fixate on it and keep calm and chat through options. He won't like feeling that you push it or keep trying to convince him and he might get more and more adamant that he doesn't want it.

AtticaRose · 26/08/2018 10:45

I had to have a little think there about who my sister in law's sister is. I would 100% feel free to use her name.

If it was a very rare name, maybe I would hesitate - but a well known name like Zara (lovely, btw!) would be fine.

Like PP, I would expect not big/little, but "your/our Zara" vs "Michael's Zara" or "Michael-and-Zara Zara" (eg). This now sounds like that bit in Gavin and Stacey with all the Johns, sorry...

Sunflower321 · 26/08/2018 11:05

If your husband prefers not to use the name to avoid having two Zaras in the family, I think you should find another name. Is there no other name you like?

BikeRunSki · 26/08/2018 11:22

I’m not even sure I know what my SIL’s siblings are called. It’s not a close relationship.

MrsLettuce · 26/08/2018 17:34

I misread! I thought the family saw SIL's sister a couple of times a month.

Still love the name Yara though

Original poster
Lady86 · 26/08/2018 19:19

Thanks all! I'll let you know what we agree on in the end!

OP posts:
Ihuntmonsters · 26/08/2018 19:44

I'm fairly sure my SIL has sisters, but I think the only time I met her family is when she married my brother. One of my BIL's has a sister with the same name as one of dh's sisters. I don't think I've ever had a conversation about both of them at once so no need to differentiate (very common name for that generation). I have met my other BIL's sisters and so I do know their names, but I think only at important events for their family (weddings, christenings, funerals). Unless you come from a very sociable family where ILs are regularly invited to events I can't imagine this would be an issue at all.

However if it is an issue for your dh then that's as good a reason as any to look for another name. I think in your position as it's dh's issue I'd ask him to do the looking. I would avoid Eva because it's a very popular name so the chances of your dd being a big/little Eva L etc are high.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 28/08/2018 17:08

Use it

DramaAlpaca · 28/08/2018 19:34

Use it.

Enko · 29/08/2018 08:48

Use it Dh's sister married a man with not only the same first name as dh but same middle name too (so for example they are both William James) and both went by Will We just say your William and " my " William when we need to difference . MIL who never liked the shortened version much used to call her son in law for Will and her son for William to difference.. She was really the only one it affected much.

In your case it will really only be SIL who will be affected so it will become my Zara and Lady86's Zara

Enko · 29/08/2018 08:49

BTW that made MIL sound horrible and she really wasn't she was a fantastic MIL. She just was a bit biased towards her son and hence gave him what she saw as the preferred name (yet I suspect the guys both preferred the short version)

YogiBear13 · 29/08/2018 14:00

I've got the same (quite unusual) name as my father's aunt, and when I was little she was referred to as "big xxx" if ever my parents talked about her to me and my siblings ("big xxx is coming to stay" etc.) But otherwise there wasn't really a need to say big and little, as when you're talking about one of them it will be obvious who you mean i.e. Zara is starting to sleep through the night, Zara is starting school soon would quite clearly be about you daughter. If it worries your DH though, you could use it as a middle name?

moredoll · 30/08/2018 00:33

But you know it would be obvious who was being referred to. It's a 20 year gap.
"Zara's passed her driving test."
"Zara's teething."
"Zara got promoted."
"Zara's sill not sleeping through the night."
If there might be confusion, "What will we get Zara for her birthday?" you would use the surname.
Zara's a great name.