Husband refusing to discuss potential baby names

[applesauce1]

I'm 5 months pregnant and my husband is refusing to talk about baby names until the 8 month mark. Because of a treatment I had pre-pregnancy, I'm at a higher risk of an early birth.
I just feel really frustrated with him. Our child will have its name for all of their life, and I don't want it to be a last minute decision.
I've made a short list of girls' names, but he won't react or respond when I try to bring them up.
I have loved a name for a boy for many years, and his only feedback is that his boss has a child with the same name.

I'm really worried that naming our baby will be given the same consideration as choosing a film to watch on Netflix. He vetoes ALL of my suggestions but has no suggestions of his own.

His reason for vetoing is that it's "bad luck". Bullshit.

Any suggestions for approaching this with him in a winning way? Am I being unreasonable in my desire to start these talks sooner rather than later and should I just wait until he's ready?

If he won't contribute you get to decide. This does sound a bit like he's worried though and naming will make it too hard if something happens. Is it your first DC? He might be anxious

Just decide. Tell him what your baby will be called. If he doesn't want to discuss it he can't object, can he?

Why does he think he gets to decide when you discuss names? You want to plan now, he wants to wait. Why does his preference win? IMO, if there is a disagreement about anything regarding pregnancy/birth, then the pregnant woman wins, as she's the one doing all the hard work. My DH always agreed with this line of thought too.

@FASH84 it's our first child, yes.
I think you're right actually. He was really nervous in the first 12 weeks and he didn't want to believe any of preg test lines that were paler than the control line. He's anxious that something might go wrong.
At the same time, he's a bit of a commitmentphobe. Any big decision, he'll "think about it tomorrow", but tomorrow never comes. He couldn't commit to flights, hotels or locations for out honeymoon, so I had to do it without him. Same for all of our holidays, actually. I've had to book them all without him in the end as he can't make a decision.

I just really wanted this to be a joint decision. We will run out of tomorrows to discuss it; pregnancy has a very definite end point!

Ahh my DH was like this. It was very frustrating at the time but he did start to talk about it closer to the due date and then we decided together once DC was born. It shocked me because I always imagined having a few names in mind from early on and didn't consider we'd have different approaches to it.

I'd be so annoyed. It's annoying enough when they don't contribute names after saying no to your suggestions, but point blank refusing to think about names is a bit ridiculous.

I mean sometimes people don't have a clue on names until the baby is actually here , but still, it's not a decision you take lightly so I'd expect some effort way before due date approaches !

@Flyingpompom I've said that to him before. He does seem to think that he gets the deciding vote on all decisions. Doesn't seem to mind when I go ahead without his consultation though so over the years, I've just learned to not ask his council on too many things. Decision making obviously stresses him out!

My DH was the same as this- in fact worse BOTH times I had babies and wouldn’t even discuss names until baby arrived and even then when DD was 3 days old didn’t want to rush it.
I picked my battles. Discussed names with best friend and sister and dreamed about what I would call them. Then when babies arrived, sat with book and wrote down the ones I would consider on a piece of paper. Sat him down and read out each name until only one left. With DS we only had one name left and he suggested getting another name book. We picked that name instead.
It’s maddening but there was no changing his mind 😬

You have 4 weeks after baby is born to register them so there really is no rush. I was always absolutely terrified that something bad was going to happen so wouldn't chose a name. Had 5/6 names for boy and 7 for girl. Once our girl was born, we decided then. There's nothing to panic about. Just write your list down and when he's ready, you are too.

It's his baby too. Maybe he doesn't want to overthink it or spend weeks trying to decide between sevearl names then picking one only to meet the baby and think no he's an Arnold/Victor/Zebedee/Peter/Andrew not Jaiden/Arlo/Ezra/Sebastian/Lewis/Jenson

This happened to me too. DH got annoyed whenever I tried to talk to him about baby names because we had different tastes. DS was born, we made a rushed decision on his name in hospital a few hours after delivery and there was a slight miscommunication because I was delirious with exhaustion and hormones, and DH still hasn't got over it and still complains (2 years later) that he doesn't like DS's name. It's definitely worth sorting it out well beforehand!
There's an app you can get like tinder so you swipe on whether or not you like a name, and it shows the names you both like as a match - maybe he'd be willing to try this rather than having a discussion/argument about the merits of different names? It's babyname-app.com

A partner like that would do my head in.

Tell him he can pick from off your shortlist, once the baby is born, or come up with his own shortlist to consider alongside yours, now. And stick to it.

You choose the first name? and then give him several options for second name that he can choose towards end of pregnancy or when the baby is born.

Love the idea of the baby name app! Downloading it now.

I know we'll pick a name we both love in the end. His inability to commit to decisions has just irritated me but I'll get over it!

My DH was exactly like this. I don’t think there’s any reason to be annoyed or any rush- you have 6 weeks or so after the birth to name your LO so it wouldn’t be a rushed decision. Pregnancy is all so exciting for some people but other people find it a terribly nervous experience. My husband wouldn’t discuss names until baby was born- yes it ruined the fun a bit but we had to do what was right as a couple taking into account both our feelings. I did make a short list and gave this to him after the birth, he thought about it and added his opinions.

Genuinely horrified at the number of people telling you just to pick one and not discuss it with him. If this was the other way round he'd be lambasted!!
Op it is HIS BABY TOO and much as this is frustrating he's clearly very anxious which means he cares. You have 6 wks not 4 after the birth to choose a name so there really isn't any urgency.

He's being a bit silly with superstitious nonsense.

Even if (highly unlikely and touching lots of wood), anything bad were to happen, it certainly wouldn't be because you'd chosen a name and baby would still need a name.

If he's adamant then there's not much you can do, just keep your shortlist to yourself until he is ready to discuss it.

Op it is HIS BABY TOO and much as this is frustrating he's clearly very anxious which means he cares. You have 6 wks not 4 after the birth to choose a name so there really isn't any urgency.
I agree with this.

From another perspective, and I am sorry for being so negative, but we hadn’t agreed a name when my daughter was born, a month early, and we found out almost immediately that she was going to die. It was incredibly important to me that she didn’t die without a name so I do think having a shortlist of names you like is a good idea and perhaps explaining to your husband that no matter what happens at this stage, the baby will need to be named might encourage him to agree to think of suggestions.

I hope everything goes well for you and you are able to agree a name soon.

My DP was same - wouldn't discuss girls names at all and the only 2 names he would consider for boys were completely outrageous, I think he was suggesting them as a joke; at least I hope so.

Having said that we had a name we both love within an hour of DD being born - it wasn't a name I'd thought of, but it suits her perfectly.

Don't panic and don't ask family and friends what they think. You'll be back on here once the baby's born complaining everyone hates the name you have chosen and they want the baby names after a great aunt / uncle they have never mentioned before !

I think he’s nervous about your high risk pregnancy. By not naming the baby, he’s removing a layer of emotional attachment.

@SpottingTheZebras I am so, so sorry. I can't believe life can be so cruel and unfair.

We just spoke about it and he's agreed to make a list. He said that because I'm being positive, he feels that it's his job to be the negative one.
Basically, I had precancerous cells removed with a LLETZ treatment. Have had my additional 3 internal scans and my cervix is structurally sound enough to not need a stitch. Baby still could come early, but I'm being classed as low risk due to my age, health and fitness. Maybe I should be thinking more about what could go wrong.

I agree with those saying it's his baby too. That's why I so dearly want this to be a joint decision; we're a team.

I hope all goes well and your baby waits until he/she is fully cooked to make an appearance!

I’m glad your partner has come round to the thought of making a list. Do you have friends you can talk to about names (or do it here!) till he’s in a good place to talk about it properly?

It sounds very frustrating for you, but I think it’s coming from worry/anxiety for him and won’t do you any good in the long run to fall out about it.