Feeling very guilty over changing baby's name :(

[pleasenottodaythanks]

Hi all -- my DH is exhausted discussing this and I need another outlet!

When my DD (who is now a toddler!!!!) was born, we had no name for her -- I stupidly thought one would "come" to me, but it devolved into weeks of hell in not being able to decide, compounded by my DH and I having different naming styles and the HUGE mistake of exploring our ideas with family, who just picked apart every name. We still had no name on the way to the registry office, and I picked one out of the blue that my sister had suggested, not even on the list!

I wasn't sure about it still, and agonised and refused to announce the name (she was now six weeks) and I felt like an utter fool. My DH said I could pick whatever name I wanted by that point, he just wanted me to be happy. I read every thread on the old name (really a very boring name, one you all have heard of) and was worried because a few people said it was "old lady and not in a nice way" and I have an old lady name and hate it. Also, my DH and I pronounce it slightly differently based on our different accents so that was kind of annoying.

So I changed it to another name on the birth certificate just to try to fix everything and I have felt awful about it ever since. I feel like I changed her. I feel like I ruined her birth certificate (old name still appears at the top). I feel like I was stupid in letting random people put me off the name, especially when a lot of people liked it. And when people online do say something bad about the name, it really smarts. One person the other day said this used to be their name and they changed it by deed poll because of a playground taunt that arose from it sending me into fresh bouts of regret!

And worse yet, the name I ended up giving her was a family name, which was great in a way, but the person was so so happy to be honoured that when I realised, shit, I never should've changed it, I was too much of a coward (or too concerned about another person's feelings is a nicer way to put it) to revert to the old name. Now I realise this was dumb and the person would've been disappointed but it would have been fine once I explained.

I don't even know what I'm asking. It's not so much that I prefer the old name to the new name! I mean, some days I do, but I guess I like both! (A thread I started comparing the two names came up pretty evenly.) And the old name is her middle name now. I just dread every day telling her when she gets older, and I just hate myself for not being a better person when she was born and sticking with the decision. Nobody I talk to seems to understand how much this gets me down.

I used to think this was PPD but she is now two! I still think about it every day! Maybe it's OCD? I don't know, but deep down inside I still feel like she doesn't really have a name :(. I've done some therapy about this that helped me sort out some of my feelings (she is going to be my only child, I loathe my own first name, I really fear hurting other people's feelings, I am a people-pleaser) but it hasn't helped the bad feelings about the whole thing go away.

I know it's such a little thing -- she is so wonderful, sweet, smiling, and everyone says she suits the name. The name gets lots of compliments on mumsnet (though I suppose it is a bit marmite given some reactions) and it's a name I used to use for myself at Starbucks, etc. so I must have liked it at some point. But what happens when I have to tell her and she might prefer the other name and thinks I'm an idiot??? (Ok, dramatic, but gives an image of what is going on constantly in my head.)

DH liked both names, and thinks it's nice to have honoured a family member. He thinks she won't mind if we don't make a big deal of it, and if she really cares she can switch herself as it's her middle name. This is so reasonable of him but for some reason I can't make myself believe it.

Please don't be harsh -- but if anyone has had a similar experience or advice about baby name guilt, I'd love to hear it!

I think baby name guilt can be normal. I have recently found out that the common nn of my DDs name means some rude words in foreign languages , so I now have mixed feelings! I’m not going to change her name because her name suits her and she’s been called this name since she was 4 months in the womb- but the thought has crossed my mind. The name which is rude is also one nickname of the the full name, and we call her a different nickname.

But honestly it does sound like you have become over anxious about this. Do you tend to be an anxious person?

Ultimately this will be a very small thing in your DDs life that will very rarely be bought up. In fact I’d go as far to say that one day it will be a funny anecdote.

I think the principle thing is that you have major confidence and self esteem issues as this level is not normal.

What other people say is not important.

You’ve given her two names so if at any point she wants to change her name she can.

It’s not really something that people can help you with on here, I would stick with the therapy.

^^ level of anxiety

I think you know that obsessing over this isn't normal or helpful

FWIW I think you might have struggled with whatever name you chose as there are always people who don't like names and as you weren't certain of any name, their opinions would likely have influenced you. No names are universally liked and all parents have to put up with hearing other people slag their kid's names off. I do think it's easier for parents that had a strong idea of what name they wanted to ignore this criticism but you gave yourself lots of time and there just wasn't a name you were dead set on. That's ok.

I think the only way to progress now is to decide once and for all what you are going to do about it. She's already a toddler so is presumably aware of what her name is and associates it with herself. You might be able to change the name without too much upset now but as time marches on it's just going to get harder and more complicated. If you feel you are certain that she should have her old name, try and put yourself in the mindset you had when you decided to change it. Are you sure those emotions and doubts won't come creeping back in and you won't like the original name again?

Also important to consider why you are so hung up about the name. A name is quite unimportant when you think about it, it doesn't shape the person we will become and changing our name certainly doesn't fundamentally change who we are. Lots of people have names that maybe they wouldn't pick for themselves but they don't let it impact their life or affect them. Why do you think a name is worth all this worry?

Take a deep breath.

She still has both names if you just moved the old one to the middle.

If when she told she prefers the middle one she can switch to that one (no big deal I know loads of people who go by their middle name and at least three that changed their name as adult teens)

If she dislikes both her names she can choose another one and change it with your blessing.

You are worrying about this needlessly. Most people like their names or just don’t think too much about them.

It will all be fine.

I wouldn't worry. Someone somewhere will choose her a nn and she will love it!! From either name she will be happy with something!! Now you need to enjoy your dd - whatever her name!!

She will be fine. Are you ok? I felt for a long time I'd mucked up DD1s name (so tired and frazzled after a not great c section and complications, suddenly every name we'd chosen seemed terrible) - but actually she's ok, the name she's ended up with isn't the one I'd choose if doing it over, but she likes it and is fine. Like your DD, if she hates it later, she can always change - and your DD has the added benefit of making a loved one feel treasured and honoured, which is lovely.

For me it was a manifestation of PPD and stress. Are you otherwise feeling happy? Last time did you ever talk to anyone who suggested any wider anxiety or OCD type issues? I'd suggest going back to your gp, these thoughts are intruding on your relationship with your child and hopefully can be better addressed.

She has both the names. That’s the perfect compromise. When she’s older she can choose which she prefers for herself. Don’t worry. You did the right thing.

You need to stop worrying what other people might or might not think - if you cant I think the problem is deeper than you picking a wrong name and you need professional help to work through this - you can not please all the people all of the time and trying to do so is causing you unnecessary stress.

Look at the bigger picture "she is so wonderful, sweet, smiling" - some would give their right arm to be able to write this statement.

If and its a big IF she hates her name when she is older she can choose to change it if she wishes - I dont particularly like mine but stick with it as it is just a name there are bigger issues to face out there.

My advice would be to stop worrying over this and just enjoy your DD

Don’t worry, three people in my family go by their middle name, nobody would know it wasn’t their name unless you saw driving license, passport, marriage certificate etc

I know you all are right! This is really a mental health issue. I do love the idea of making into a funny anecdote though my DH says that too!

I suppose I also feel I got one shot at this and failed rather than enjoy what it is today, I'd somehow rather ruminate over what those first few months could have been like rather than obsessing over what is completely and utter nonsense. What does a name matter anyway? I never think of people's names when I meet them even very unusual ones. I guess I also really want my kiddo to like me and respect me -- and this is just one tangible thing.

Yes, she can always go by her middle name! I dropped her original middle name when I added the new one and I obsess over that too, unfortunately. Ah well, she can always deed poll it back if she likes!

Thanks all!

Of course your child will like you!

Whether she respects you will be down to your parenting and have nothing whatsoever to do with her name!

You do sound very very worked up about it - possibly anxiety (impending feeling of doom) or Pure O ( OCD but just the obsessive part).

I hope you feel better soon.

In the nicest possible way, just reading your post was exhausting! I can’t imagine how much headspace this must be taking up for you. Honestly, you need to find a way to move on, for your own sanity. I’m sure her name is lovely, do you want to say what it is?

Hi pleasenottodaythanks,

Reading your post is exactly how I’m feeling. I had a name for my DS but when he was born (after a traumatic birth) I totally went off the name and went with something completely not on the list aswell as the second name. What the heck was I thinkng?
We got him registered and as soon as I walked out the reigstry office I knew I made a mistake. I hate the name and middle name. After weeks if delibrating wether to change it, I decided on changing the middle name to make it sound a little better and now I’ve been crying and thinking about it everyday. I think mainly about how the birth certificate is and looks and that I’d have to explain it to him one day.

I feel totally guilty that I let this happen. I wondered how you are feeling now and what you did/doing to help you?

I’ve been feeling and thinking like this for 6 months and I’m getting so tired of it. Extremely emotional all the time.

Hope you can share your coping mechanisms

You did your best, no need to feel bad at all. I gave DD2 a horrible middle name but changed it when she was a baby. I still cringe when I think about the old one.

Thanks Augustarella,

Did you change it after you registered her? I just feel like I’ve ruined her birth certificate. Hate that I will have to explain it one day

The key word you’ve said is ruminate. I do this (am currently obsessing over something from the recent past that is done now and I can’t change) but I agree it stems from being a people-pleaser and someone who wants to ‘fix’ everything.

My current obsession isn’t a baby name but still has elements of it feeling like a big life decision that I can’t amend. It’s also affects my DD (who is older than your DD and thinks I’m mad to go in about it and couldn’t give two hoots).

Sorry to be un-specific but I just want to tell you that I get the obsessive thoughts/regrets about something that nobody else is concerned about.

Your DH sounds lovely btw. And your DD will be fine.

Please don’t worry about ‘ruining’ her birth certificate. They are used once in a blue moon to apply for things, it isn’t something that you look at or show anyone any other time. When you explain it all you say is that you preferred the new name, it really won’t be a big deal.

Providing you haven't called her Precious Princess Lady Araminta I think you'll be fine. Move on.

Can you call her both names, like a nickname and just interchange them? My friend is known by both her middle name and first name and has been all her life, so some people call her just Anna, some call her just Kate and some interchange them so use Anna in one conversation, Kate on the next. She’s never called Anna-Kate though.

I know a few people who are known to say friends by their first name and family by their middle name.

@Summerdays1 Yes, her birth was registered with the old middle name when I realised I couldn't do that to her, and changed it soon after. It was a very simple procedure. My older DCs told DD2 the name change story years later to wind her up, but luckily she thought it was funny. She has bestowed the old name on a favourite doll, but prefers the new one because it was a family name on her dad's side, so it's a small link to her heritage.

My only slight worry now (probably not relevant to you) is that we're moving to France and they are notoriously picky about paperwork, so I hope the fact that the birth certificate shows the both the new and old names but the passport only shows the new name, isn't going to cause delays. Obviously this is a niche problem for expats in France, and more of an inconvenience than a disaster even for them. I only found out about the issue because of this video by a British-Irish youtuber with multiple middle names, whose passports show different versions of his full name. He had to jump through some extra administrative hoops in order to get married in Corsica, though I think he managed it in the end.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=wcfHOPZ-wmI

I wasn't aware of any of this when I changed the name but I would still change it if I had my time again. After all, a birth certificate is only something you need to show in order to get some other document like a passport or whatever, it's not something one really thinks about otherwise.

I think sometimes these baby name threads are just not a good idea, especially if you have anxiety around things like this. It's the same as everything in life, not everyone will like it but if you do why does it matter? We cant expect everyone to like everthing we do. You haven't ruined anything for her. Stop beating yourself up about it! If she really hates it when she's older she can change it or do something with it, but it's just a name it doesn't have any bearing on much in life really! It's just something to refer to us by.

Give yourself a break OP!

As a practical thought.... if you ordered a new certificate (because you lost the old one) would the amendment still show?

FWIW even if it does, try to love that you loved her so much you had to give her the perfect name ❤️

@Slightlyjaded I'm fairly sure a replacement would be an exact copy of the certificate showing the new and former names. Whenever I've had to order a replacement marriage certificate it's been a photocopy, they don't make a completely new certificate. I can't swear that it's the same for birth certificates, but it would be surprising if it wasn't.

If the question is important for the OP, I'm sure a call to the Register Office would settle the matter.