Dm is duffocating me....

[FallenAngel89]

Long story short...
My Dm and I aren't particularly close and she visits maybe once a year, sometimes not at all and contact is quite minimal. Since my DBS have gone NC with her she's suffocating me. She wants me to give this baby her full name (minus the surname) as it's middle names and is really offended that I've said no....3 times! She already had a DGD with her actual name as her first name so why pressure me?
We want our nan's names as the middle names as they have played huge parts in our lives....my DN taught me everything I know and was a strong parental role. I don't know why she feels so entitled and it's making me so miserable and anxious 🙁
(This isn't my first child and I've had DDS previously)

Can you understand why it's only you that has contact? She sounds a nightmare. Just tell her when you and the df choose the name you will be sure to tell her.

Name your baby what you want. Your mother will have to accept it. If you only see her once a year she is not going to be a big part of baby's life.
You don't have to answer messages, phonecalls etc. Set up your boundaries and stick to them.
If she outright asks you again just say 'no, and not discussing it further'.

Wow my title went well....obviously I meant suffocating 😂🙈
I think I stay in contact because it's easier...shes far more pushy if you tell her no or back away. My DBs don't have contact mainly because she doesn't care for her grandchildren and there's a couple she hasn't even met! She also has a way of massively playing victim and making people feel sorry for her. She's exhausting. I learnt a long time ago to stop putting my hopes into her and crying everytime shes let me down but pregnancy hormones are making it so much worse. I already suffer from anxiety and MH problems so this does not help. She's making me feel trapped and my DH gets angry with the situation. I do wish I had a "normal" mum but it's not something I'm going to have, I suppose it makes me see everything I don't want to be for my DC.

Could you say it's your husband's turn to choose the name - surely he's not going to name his child after his MIL.

I just can't get my head around how delusional she actually is though? She doesn't play a roll but thinks she's entitled and is deeply offended "she doesn't get a mention". There was also quite a bit of child neglect on her part when we were young but that's an even longer story.
When my DH and I were going through a tough time aroynd a year ago I begged for her to come and support me and the kids from sheer desperation and loneliness and she didn't even step up then...she was "too busy" to come. She knows nothing about me or what I like especially since I came off all social media.
I just really really don't want to explode at her as I'd feel so guilty being the only child left who speaks to her and I don't want postnatal depression again 🙁

I don't think anyone would blame you for exploding at her. Why do you feel guilty.
Where was she in your hour of need.
Being there for people cuts or both ways.
About the name thing. She's had and named her kids. Did she have anyone hounding her over what they should be called. That's up to parents not grandparents. She's already got a GC named after her. How many more does she want.
I can't imagine wanting to saddled any of my GCs with my awful name.
I'm not surprised your brothers are nc.

Oh Fallen that sounds so tough. If you’re worried about getting Postnatal illness could you talk to your MW? Have you had any counselling for the effects of her neglect and behaviour towards you?

I also said that to my DH, I wouldn't be in the least offended of my kids didn't use my name! I pointed out the fact her GD had her name already and she said yes just my first name not both names so it's different?!
I wish I could just shut off sometimes, I have got better but guilt is something I really struggle with and hate to hurt people even if they deserve it. I didn't reply to her last message and I'm dreading what comes next..."can I come to the birth"....Lord no! I have my DH and MIL for that. My MIL is amazing and I dropped really lucky with her she would never expect anything so absurd from any of us and dotes on her GC.
Thank you everyone for your replies, makes me feel a little less shitty for saying no ☺

@EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic I have had councillors on and off through my adult life due to my parents neglect/abuse. I don't have any contact with my Dad and most of my siblings anymore so my side of the family is very small now and it is lonely at times.
I've made my midwife aware of my anxiety and depression and I have a brilliant Dr and understanding DH. Pressure is just not what I need right now when my hormones are all over the place, it's exhausting. My Dc keep a smile on my face and this baby will bring so much to us as a family

If yiu did go NC, what is the worst that could happen? Do you really care what she tells other people?

It's easier to just answer the odd texts once every few months than try and shake her off as this makes it worse. It's only since I told her I'm pregnant this time she has gone crazy. She's talking to all my friends on social media and trying to force me to contact them by giving me their numbers etc. If I wanted the contact with people I would. She's just stepping it up and up with the pushiness. The name thing just knocked it completely over the top for me. She has a way of making you feel at fault or that you're the one who's being unreasonable. It's hard to explain but I have irrational guilt of her getting old and dying alone and miserable and I hate that. I don't care what she'd say to people at all as most people know what she's like from their own experiences with her.

It's ultimately you and your DH that choose your babys names, she's had her chance this is yours, don't be pressured into doing anything you don't want to do!

Dont think about it too much thats what she wants, to get inside your head. Just say 'No' name the baby what you really want to and then stand your ground. You are completely in the right and no one reasonable would disagree with that.

Thank you everyone! Not sure what I was expecting from posting but the hand holding and advice has helped more than you know 😊