Mother's Maiden Name as silent surname

[bluebabydinosaur]

Hi, just wondered what your thoughts were about having the mother's surname as a second silent surname. So the father's surname first which is used at school and in life in general and the mother's as second surname which would be used on official documents. Our combined names do not work as a double barrel surname. Any help appreciated. Thanks.

Btw, as far as I know:
Unmarried mothers traditionally give the child their surname.

Hyphenating does seem like the most equal solution, yes.

But just giving the child his surname? When you aren't married?

I would also strongly advice you against this.

As for you wanting the whole family to have the same surname:

1. That won't happen until you actually get married. Which is when you could also change the child's name.

1. What if you separate / divorce / never get married?

The child won't have your surname. Which seems to matter to you, seeing as you seem to want to emphasise familial ties / belonging with the child's surname...

Thank you Floriad you really gave me something to think about there! I didnt even consider giving him my surname - isnt that awful in this day and age???

We are engaged and I dont have any concerns that we wont get married - just need to set a date. Im confident of that.

If I gave our child my surname on birth and then changed it on marriage then I wouldnt have the option of using it for a middle name as it would be silly to name child with my surname for his middle name and surname. I really dont want to double barrel our names and it now seems silly to have my surname as a silent second surname. I wouldnt want that name so why would I give it to my child?

So, I think it will be fathers surname, my surname as a second middle name, a first name and first middle name.

Hope that all makes sense. Its been great to talk all this through with you, thanks.

If I wasnt in a really strong relationship I totally agree with you about keeping the mothers surname. I would only have thought this if the father wasnt around.

Thank you everyone.xxxx

@FizzyGreenWater oh how cynical. That sort of response is seen far too much on mn imo.

Personally I wouldn’t hesitate to give the baby the Dad’s surname. Why should a Dad have less right to have his children carry his name if they split up anyway?

You're welcome. :)

If I gave our child my surname on birth and then changed it on marriage then I wouldnt have the option of using it for a middle name as it would be silly to name child with my surname for his middle name and surname.

Not really. If you really will get married soon?

Your child might be called "Emily / Henry Miller Miller" or "Emily Miller Smith-Miller" (obviously just random examples) for the first year (?) of their life.
But obviously only until you get married.

And you could actually make it a cute ceremony. All the three of you coming together and finally having the same surname?

But that's obviously just how I'd do it / my personal preference.

I'd really want my child to have at least partially the same surname as I do. I'm actually not sure why I feel this strongly about it, tbh.

Seeing as I didn't have a problem with taking my OH's surname when we got married...

" Why should a Dad have less right to have his children carry his name if they split up anyway?"
He doesn't. He just doesn't have a 100% automatic right to it.

Why should a Dad have less right to have his children carry his name if they split up anyway?

Which is why I'd hyphenate the name.

Or give the little tyke the mother's name and change both their names when the parents get married.

(we could obviously also have a discussion about whether the husband shouldn't take the wife's name when that happesns...)

I guess I'm traditional / conservative in regards to names.

The mother's name before the marriage, the father's name for everyone after the marriage (which will obviously be the mother's name as well, at this point) seems to be the most obvious solution to me personally.

But hyphenating a name is a good solution as well, imo.

My DH has his mum's maiden name as his first name and another family surname as his middle name and then his dad's surname. Luckily his mum's maiden name works as a first name. Is that an option for you OP? That's not that unusual in Scotland.

If you are planning to change your name on marriage then I'd give the baby your family surname and your maiden name as a middle name.

We're currently in the process of changing both mine and DHs names by deed poll in order to add my maiden name as middle name for us both. It's a bit of a faff admin wise so if you can cut down on that by not changing the baby's name once you've already named it then that's a win.

If you’re not married then the name you’re quibbling over is not your ‘maiden name’. It is just your surname! I really hate that men seem to have far more claim to their own names than women.

Why don't you get married before the baby arrives?

I wouldn't hyphenate the surnames and it makes sense for the child to have the mother's surname. One parent's surname as a middle name is probably a good option.

If you decide to go with your surname initially and your DP surname as middle name; if / when you come to changing names when you marry; you can presumably swap middle name to surname and vice versa?

A silent surname is fine if you're trying to treat both names equally but just want to use one day-to-day. Middle names can be dropped on official forms unlike (I believe, from what I remember the registrar telling me) surnames so they can get "lost". Just make your name the day-to-day name.

As pp said middle names can get lost. Lots of people have two surnames and just use one day to day. Is it the sound of both surnames together you don't like?

If so then just use one day to day.

FWIW my kids have my surname as a middle name, partner's as surname.

If we get married I won't change my name.

What's the reason you won't use both as sur names op? Do they make up something silly?

I have what I suppose could be considered a ‘silent surname’

I am myname-hisnsme on my bank cards, license, passport, medical records etc etc. I think of myself as Myname-Hisname and after we married it annoyed me that no one asked what we were doing about names, they just assumed I’d take his.

At work (a teacher) I’m Mrs Myname. The kids and many of adults don’t know I have double barrelled because it’s a mouthful and they already knew me as Miss Myname.

Conversely, because my dd is DD Hisname I am occasionally referred to as Mrs Hisname. I imagine when she starts school this will increase. When I book things that don’t ‘matter’ (ie I won’t be asked for id) like theatre tickets or restaurant tables, I often use Hisname.

My new surname is long and ‘posh’ sounding. I like it and think I carry it off but I don’t want to inflict it on others. My husband’s name is very normal, easy to say, easy to spell, well known. (Think smith or jones). I think there are benefits to a surname like that. When we talked about naming the children, we considered the implications of the surname just as we did the first name.

My point is, it IS possible to give your child a hyphenated name but use one or the other as you wish. You can refer to your selves as the Ibertson-Donnelly family for example, but just have them known as Ibertson at school. The fact it is hyphenated gives them that option later in life. A middle name surname doesn’t get passed on, it disappears.

Camilla Parker Bowles didn't have a hyphen and the surname was Parker Bowles.

I have a "silent surname". It's more common than you think. I never use the first half, but it is on my birth certificate (though not my passport/medical documents etc) it's never been a problem or caused any confusion

Actually I know a few people with what might be called a silent surname, not that I would refer to it as that.
E.g. Susan Baker Smith is always called Susan Baker Smith

I also know lots of people with double barrelled surnames who go by one half of the surname. So Susan Baker-Smith is know as Susan Smith.