Boy's name - DH has offered a deal...

[greenmagpie]

Due v soon. Have had 2 or 3 names on 'the list' for quite a while but keep not being satisfied with any of them. There was also one I loved but OH would not consider.
There's one which we both kind of like but are not ecstatic about, DH mainly dislikes the shortened nn version which would end up being used. I am a bit more positive about it and resigned to the nn being used.

DH has said we can use it if I agree to use his DF's name as a middle name! I can't say what that is, but think along the lines of Kevin - not something we'd ever choose in a million years. I don't mind too much as I think it's ok to have a slightly embarrassing middle name if there's a family connection.
However I do feel a bit bad that DS1 also has a name that runs in DH's family. Not sure if my own DF would feel a bit put out that both DCs would have names linked to DH's family not ours?

(This is sort of lighthearted as we both want to find the best name we can and generally have the same taste - don't think of it as either 'winning' - but running out of ideas!)

Totally hear you on the running out of ideas front!

I think if it was a MN that you liked it would be fine. DD has MIL name as a middle name but I only agreed as it was something nice and classic that would go with anything (MIL is deceased).

I never would have agreed if it was like Kevin. I just don't know why you'd saddle a kid born in 2018 with a name like that unless you really liked it.

Depends on how much you want the first name though, it's all such a compromise!

Sorry, don't think I've been even remotely helpful!

Both my DS's have a 'family' name for a middle name. Neither are 'good' names really but they honour important people and that's what mattered. I have two embarrassing middle names myself but one is my grandmothers name and I love her so I don't mind the bad name!

Middle names don't matter really and it's nice if they honour a relative in my opinion. I would take the deal!

Pick something else for a first name if your not sure. It sounds like your first name is something safe. You've heard other babies being called it and you are not big risk takers but neither of you really like it.
A Noah, Jack, Sam, Archie or Charlie type name.

Now, when you mentioned Kevin. Yes, it's not a usual baby name. It's a grown man name. But Charlie, Noah etc. are going great to be lots of mens names in 20 years time. And Kevin will be an old man name.
Take the risk. Give him a recognisable name that will grow on you both and you will learn to love.
I'm not saying give him the family man name. But there's loads. I met a baby Dennis recently and thought it was the cutest name and stood out. Its memorable for all the right reasons.

Start the name search again. Seriously. Don't pick a name you don't really like. And your middle name question. Do one from your family side if it is important to you. A meaningful middle name is lovely.

sorry if not clear - the 'Kevin' type name would be the middle name under the 'deal'.
The first name would be the 'safe' classic name that I really like but not too keen on the nn, and DH doesn't mind but doesn't like the nn.

The other first names we're considering are quite unusual so kind of not sure how we would feel about them in real life - but DH is more keen than I!

I'd take the deal too. My son's middle name is Brian after both his grandads. Not the best, but I figured no one would have to know until his wedding day!

Will the children take his surname? If so then I don't think he gets to honour his family twice in one name!

Don’t take the deal! I did, and I certainly regret it, DH saddled ds with a middle name I absolutely hate (it’s Fil’s name).

I think your DH is being a jerk.

He is essentially prioritizing his own family names over yours by 'pretending' to be reluctant over a name that you both rather like.

I would say no, the middle name nod goes to your side of the family this time.

The first name is a separate discussion, and you both have to like the name.

If DH got to honour his family with your first born - quite apart from the fact that all DC may take his surname- I think it is your turn to honour your family with your second,

Can you have 2 middle names & use 2 from each side of the family?
My DD has 2 middle names....her dad wanted his mam's name......as I knew we wouldn't be having more chn to use names from my side we gave DD 2 middle names, 1 after his mam & the other is my dad's mam's name. (Lots of family already used my mam and dad's names)

Meant use 1 from each side of the family.

He's not pretending anything so don't worry about that.
I'm slightly reluctant to use my DF name as a middle name even though I like it well enough, we've not had the best of relationships.

It's sort of a coincidence that DS1 has a DH family name, it's a first name I was set on before we ever realised it had a family connection and pretty much the only boy's name I've ever loved!

Could have two MNs I suppose, would that be odd with DS1 having only 1?

Can't you give him two middle names, 1st middle name that honours your dh father and 2nd middle name that honours your father...or how about your father's name as 1st name and dh fathers name as middle name?

I second two middle names, my DC both have two middle names, one from my side and one from DH's. Though saying that, I do like all the names we have picked. I'm not sure I would have been so enthusiastic about it had I not liked the names. Is there an alternative/similar name which would still give a nod to the family member? For example, my goddaughter's middle name is Alice, after her grandmother Alison. It may sweeten the deal for you a little!

I have 4 children & only the youngest has 2 MNs.
But the other 3 are from my first marriage & a LOT older than her, most of their kids are older than her!
I don't think it matters if 1 has more MNs thsn the other. MNs are very rarely used after all.

Do you care that both names are more from your DH family? Or are you worried about the reaction from your side? If it is the latter, just play dumb if anyone mentions it. After all the truth is that you have always liked the first name.

As a "deal", it doesn't much look like your husband is giving up anything in return for his ask. He likes the first name as much as you like it, neither of you love it so that might be as good as it gets. A fairer deal would be the first name neither of you adore but do like, and a middle name of similar status not associated with one family or the other.

But this is naming your baby, you don't need to make it into who wins or loses with a deal. And you can decide whether to care or not about the predominance of his family in your children's names. If our eldest is also a boy, could you explain away any possible offence (if anyone is so crass as to raise it) by saying you had agreed boys would take names from husband's family traditions and girls from yours?

Also for the Middle name, if you don't mind the connection to FIL but hate his first name, can you look for a varient in another language (Charles - Carlos - Karl etc) or think about using FIL's own middle name or some other nod to him without using the actual name?

Also agree if he has DH’s surname, he already has their family name.

I would probably keep hunting for bands though as it doesn’t sound like either of you really live the name or that it’s particularly clicking iyswim

*love

Haha!

No, that's not a 'deal' - that's a swizz

He has already got his family's side surname for both, yes?

Then the first thing you should both be thinking about it where you get your slice of the pie to make up for that :)

and THEN you can talk 'deals'

A 'deal' here would be, if he's going to get yet another surname usage and would like his side to have the middle too, then he agrees to that first name you love but he won't consider.

Perpahs a speedy reversal to your maiden surname and a bit of musing on how it would be good to carry both on, so this one has the surname from your side of the family???

Do you care that both names are more from your DH family? Or are you worried about the reaction from your side? If it is the latter, just play dumb if anyone mentions it. After all the truth is that you have always liked the first name.

Yeah, that's about it, I don't mind that both names are more from his side, just wondering if my side will feel a bit slighted. I'm feeling less like indulging the middle name today. He's said he prefers the more unusual name (as a first name) that we were considering so might just say have that as a MN. Then DC can choose to use that as a first name if he wants..!?
He's already conceded that I can pull the 'I've carried your child for 9 months and given birth' card to get whatever I want

I don't think there are any names out there we haven't considered! I think there's something up with my brain as about 75% of names have an association with someone or other, then lots are really weird with our surname.

That would be a 'no deal' for me. Maybe consider it if it was for the name that you really love but not for the compromise name and not for a name like Kevin.

I would also be worried about putting my family out by taking names for two kids from your OH's side and none from your own. Doesn't seem very balanced.

I would keep looking for a name you both like.