Reusing a name

[Username0000007]

Hello, I'd like some advice on this sensitive subject. We very sadly miscarried our ds at 18 weeks a few years back. I decided at the time of the mc to give him a name and we made an announcement on fb about the late mc.

We are now 34 weeks with another boy. We still love the name and my dh, children and I are happy to reuse it. Ever since the mc announcement we haven't used his name and I speak about him as our precious angel we lost. The name means a lot to me and I've looked at hundreds of boys names but nothing comes close.

I've only told one friend about this and her reaction was that there is no way on earth we can reuse the name, no no no no no no and that the baby needs his own name/it's weird to reuse. I was so taken a back by the reaction that I went home and cried. Now I am completely confused about what to do and am worried about what others will think.

I'm so sorry for your loss and as others have said, your friend doesn't get to dictate. If she is remotely unkind when you announce the baby is called X then I'd reconsider if she's really a friend. Years ago it wasn't uncommon for parents to name a subsequent child the same name as one they'd lost through infant death.

If I'd have had my emotions on an even keel my dc3 middle name would have been the name of their twin that we lost. I'm sure some people would think that odd but how exactly does it affect them? Zilch of course, as with you.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well.

My DH’s parents’ first son was still born. My DH has his name as his middle name which I think is lovely. I think it’s a little strange to reuse as a first name - what will you tell your new DS about his brother?

I just wanted to add a different perspective. My mother has been quite open about the fact I have the same name (exactly the same) as her miscarried 1st daughter. While there is part of me that tries to make this feel like an honor, I can't shift this feeling that it's not my name. I am not the daughter who was meant for this name. I could maybe get over a middle name, but I am a duplicate, I am the second attempt, I am living as someone else. I have considered changing my name but then met with upset from my Mother. It feels like I wasn't worth a new name or my own identity. It's not a feeling I would wish on anyone.

I am really sorry for your loss and I hope your new son brings you a world of joy.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I can do understand why you’d want to use the name again as you love it so much but I think your new baby should have his own name personally. Maybe you could use it as a second name?

Sugarplum, you've explained the possible issues very well. I think there's a danger of imbuing a name with all sorts of magical properties that encapsulate the hopes, dreams and aspirations we have for a child and that only that name will do. But there are so many other names that will serve just as well. It's not as if we are in an era where all girls are Mary or Jane and all boys are John or William and there's only a limited supply of names to go around.

Thanks all for your honest opinions.

A similar type of name is Ewan, which I don't love nearly as much. Is it a nice name? So would be Ewan/Euan Patrick.

I'm named after an older brother who didn't survive long, after being born premature. My mum just feminised his name (it's still a legitimate name, nothing weird!) I'm proud to carry his name.

Oh user, don't be put off, please do use the name if it's what your family want. No-one would want the sad thing you've already been through to be the cause of more sadness for you.

Choose a lovely second choice name as a middle name, then if your son wants to go by that when he's older that will be fine, but for all you know he won't mind your choice of name one jot. And if he does he has the choice and you gave that to him. Don't be disheartened!

Ewan Patrick and Euan Patrick are both lovely and your new ds will grow up knowing that you picked it specially for him!

It’s not about the op’s feelings (important as they are) but about her son’s as he grows up.

He'll have that choice as he grows up pip. Like I say, my mum changed her name from that of a deceased family friend to her middle name in her late teens.

I think Euan Patrick is beautiful. Love it.

My great grandmother and her sister both had the same name. They both lived long lives, apparently my great-great grandmother just really liked the name. It also happens to be my name too.

Hi op it's your choice but I personally wouldn't call two siblings the same name.

Ewan/Euan is a wonderful name! And a beautiful tribute💐

I don't know how old your DS is, how aware he is of the brother you lost. I think if he is aware and grieved at all, it would be a mistake. My gran did similar, my mum's younger brother was named the same (family tradition name) as a son that had died before my mum was born. She was about 6/7 when her younger brother was born. I've asked her why my brother doesn't have the name anywhere (as it was a tradition) and my mum says she didn't like the name being reused, it made her feel she was replaceable. She didn't want her son named it either. It's slightly different as this brother had died aged two and had belongings etc. but my mum carried her confusion over it into adulthood.

It's absolutely up to you but it's not something I'd do. Middle name, fine. But I'd worry that as my child grew up he'd feel weird about the reusing of the first name in the way sugarplum explains. As if a ghost was always over his shoulder. I hope that doesn't sound insensitive.

The loss was yours and only you and your DH should make this decision.

You can do whatever you want! They are your children.

Strangely enough, I was looking at some family tree stuff the other day. It was extremely common then, in my family at least, when a large number of children passed away at a young age, that they used the name again.

**Personally I feel that both boys need to be honoured separately and deserve their own name. Your second son could feel like a replacement for his lost brother otherwise.

How about including the name as a middle name?**

^I agree

In our family trees I see there were multiple births where this happened in the past. What a lovely way to honour your lost child.

Euan is a lovely name I wanted Iuan (welsh spelling ) for my DS but we agreed on something else Welsh

Evan or Ivan is also nice. My DH keeps suggesting the name Ivor if we ever have another.

Are you looking for an Irish connection time the name as Eamon is nice too

Opps just realised the name Ewan is Scottish heritage ignore me !

Im reusing the name of the twin my parents lost at 18 weeks during their last pregnancy. If you feel that that's the name he should have then use it. At the end of the day, i never go against my gut instinct and mine said I should call my son this particular name so I am. I think you should do the same.

I think if the child had been born and then died that would be one thing, but this was a child who was sadly never born, the name was hypothetical, and known primarily to you and your husband.

My mother miscarried late before she had me, I’ve no idea what name if any they ascribed to the baby, and if they had been going to call her my name it wouldn’t bother me at all.

But then, I’m quite a practical person.