We previously have had a late miscarriage. It was a huge shock and we called him 'Alex' as the nurse said she was fairly sure he was a boy but couldn't tell us conclusively? We didn't have an autopsy.
I'm now 36+5 pregnant with ds. Around 20 weeks we were having lots of discussions about names, we couldn't match our lists up at all! We both loved Alexander so decided that it would be ok to use it.
I'm really not comfortable with the decision anymore though.
We have told family and friends that will be his name and they all say it's lovely and not weird at all.
But 'Alex' in my mind is the baby whose ashes I have in a box with a teddy and a bracelet with the name Alex on.
I can't describe how much it has hurt me when I have to say 'the baby we lost' instead of Alex when talking about what happened because Akex is now what everyone is calling the baby who is coming.
I feel like it's unfair for the new baby to be overshadowed by that name and also that I'm 'erasing' our miscarriage from history, that he wasn't important enough to keep his own name. It's also affecting my bonding with the baby because now I recoil when I think if his name.
I don't even know where to start mentioning this to DP. I'm worried he will be angry because we've told everyone about it and I agreed with it and we have no back up name.
I actually can't sleep I am so stressed out about it. It feels so wrong to me now, it has for about two months. I love the name so much but it is already very much taken in my mind.
I feel like everyone will be angry at me or think in being silly.
How do I go about telling people all this? I'm not very good at expressing my feelings verbally and feel like I'll just blub at them.
Or am I just being stupid and its actually ok to reuse the name.