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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Is it silly to give my children different surnames, when from the same Father?!

54 replies

clashofclanswidow · 07/02/2016 20:53

Would like opinions please...as I just don't know anymore!

Long story short, I'm 25 weeks pregnant and ex left me for someone else 4 weeks ago. We already have a two year old together, who has his surname.

I wanted my kids to have the same surnames, even after we split as seemed like common sense but recently things have been getting worse...

He has left me in a lot of financial trouble with no offer to help, has already blobbed on seeing our 2yo and ended up out with her...and he never ask after the wellbeing of his unborn baby (despite witnessing me having breakdowns)

I think the final straw came tonight. I have asked him for our scan pictures back last week and tonight, got told he didn't know where they were as his bedroom was a mess?!

It sounds to me like they've just been thrown somewhere and if his actions didn't already demonstrate this, I can't help feeling like he doesn't give a toss about this baby at all. He's already admitted to not bonding with her.

My family have asked me to reconsider giving my baby his name and now I am seriously debating this myself but is it silly to have two kids to the same man but give them different surnames?!

I just feel like when she is born, he won't be around much anyway.

Obviously there is still a lot of tension, so I don't want to make any rash decisions and there is still plenty of time to decide but going on what I've said...wwyd? TIA xx

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

clashofclanswidow · 07/02/2016 21:27

It's only for married couples, recently had to look that up for my Sister xx

OP posts:

RudeElf · 07/02/2016 21:29

He gave those up when he left you.

Err no he didnt!

The child is still entitled to have its father named on its birth certificate! Its not a record of who he was sharing a bed with at the time of birth

RudeElf · 07/02/2016 21:29

And actually it isnt even parental rights.

WilLiAmHerschel · 07/02/2016 21:31

Give the new baby your last name officially! The two year old can use your surname and when they are older they may decide to officially change it to yoyrs by deed poll.

Original poster

clashofclanswidow · 07/02/2016 21:31

Agreed Shemozzle and I would love to be that person that just cut someone off and that but I'm trying to remain level-headed and think of the children (that sounds like a gastly cliche!) One of us has too haha! xx

OP posts:

Shemozzle · 07/02/2016 21:49

I don't think you should cut him out of their life completely. I don't agree with that either. But I don't agree with fathers always giving the surname anyway, it is a sexist tradition and plenty of people in happy marriages give the mothers surname. Lots choose whichever sounds best with the child's name. I don't think giving the fathers surname is a parental right. So I don't think he deserves it.

As for putting him on birth certificate. Don't do that to be amicable. You can't change that afterwards, but you can add him on once he has proved himself trustworthy. All I'm saying is what he has done shows he is not trustworthy and right now is not the time to make big decisions. Once he has joint parental rights he can take them out of the country, he can he can insist on 50-50 contact, he can take you to court for any decision. You just don't know how this will pan out in the future. It might seem all ok now and amicable is best, but you can still allow a relationship and contact without giving him equal rights.

Fourormore · 07/02/2016 21:50

He would get parental responsibility extremely easily.
So many suggestions here that will just lead to more and more conflict which is the worst possible thing for the children.

RudeElf · 07/02/2016 21:58

but you can add him on once he has proved himself trustworthy

The birth certificate is the child's record of their birth.nit is the record of who the child's parents are. It belongs to the child. it is not a record of who was or wasnt getting on with who when the child was born. As has been said, he will get parental responsibility (not rights) very easily if OP doesnt name him as father. Pointless not to name him as father, the child deserves to have its fathers name on its birth certificate.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 07/02/2016 22:02

The child may deserve to have the father's name on the birth certificate but if the father isn't there to sign the certificate then the op can not add his name.

5608Carrie · 07/02/2016 22:05

At the risk of sounding like a money grabber if you want to claim maintenance for both children you should get ptofessional advice. In case any decisions you make now might affect your ability to claim.

Don't forget though your children will be teenagers / adults at some stage and you will have to justify your decisions to them.

RudeElf · 07/02/2016 22:10

but if the father isn't there to sign the certificate then the op can not add his name.

That wasnt what was being discussed however if that is the case then it will be he who has to answer to the child in years to come and OP can say she didnt prevent it.

starry0ne · 07/02/2016 22:12

Been on the birth certificate has nothing to do with maintenance...

Original poster

clashofclanswidow · 07/02/2016 22:23

I think I can choose his name for my baby, as I am signing it as such but if he wanted to officially be on the certificate, he would have to attend.

At least thats the way I'm reading it and that's the way I hope it is as I don't want to decide to give her his name only to not be able to anyway! xx

OP posts:

5608Carrie · 07/02/2016 23:32

Child Maintenance Service or the CSA can assume parentage if the person named as the parent:

was married to the child’s mother at any time between the conception and birth of the child (unless the child was adopted)
is named on the child’s birth certificate (unless the child was adopted)
has taken a DNA test that shows they’re the parent
has legally adopted the child
is named in a court order as the parent when the child was born to a surrogate mother.

Jessbow · 08/02/2016 11:17

no, if you are married then he goes on the birth cert if he is there or not. Its only if you are not married that you cannot name his on the birth cert without him being there.

Either way, I'd give the baby his surname , quite simply because , if further down the line, he did get funny about paternity ( and some do, you don't know what he might resort to) being on the birth cert might be helpful ( kinda reverse phsycology - why didn't she put me on his/her birth cert ''he/she isn't mine'')

RudeElf · 08/02/2016 11:34

Paternity can be easily proven by a DNA test. However for OP as (i assume) the main carer life will be a lot easier if she has the same surname as her DC. Particularly if travelling.

CrystalMcPistol · 08/02/2016 11:35

a name denotes where a person comes from. Your dc both come from the same DNA, his. No matter how much of a twat he is, that is a fact that cant be changed.

What a load of old shit.

CrystalMcPistol · 08/02/2016 11:39

OP there's no way I'd give the baby his name. I understand that your 2 year old having his surname makes things a bit more complicated but I'd just add your surname to her's (even if it sounds silly) and then let her go by your surname day to day.

Sorry your going through such an awful time.

Funinthesun15 · 08/02/2016 11:46

You can't change that afterwards, but you can add him on once he has proved himself trustworthy

Or he could go to court which would grant him PR and instruct his name to be put on.

Shutthatdoor · 08/02/2016 11:47

I'd just add your surname to her's

He'd still have to agree

CrystalMcPistol · 08/02/2016 11:49

This is such a good example of why it's so important to give kids both surnames.

Original poster

clashofclanswidow · 08/02/2016 11:59

But then it would probably go the other way around and people would want to try and take a name back off in this circumstance haha! Can't win.

Grrr, it's just a name! I know names are important but this feels like an even bigger decision all of a sudden! =( xx

OP posts:

CrystalMcPistol · 08/02/2016 12:03

Of course it must. What an awful time you must be going through. His behaviour to both you and your kid(s) has been just awful. I'm angry for you! Do you have lots of support around?

ZiggyFartdust · 08/02/2016 12:11

You can call the children whatever you like on a day to day basis.
I would give the child the same name as his/her sister officially, but have them known as your surname for all practical purposes.
You don't need anyones permission or any paperwork at all.

Original poster

clashofclanswidow · 08/02/2016 12:30

I do have some good support thankfully, yeah =) xx

OP posts:

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