Who gets to use the name in this case?

[Puffinella]

DH and I are talking about TTC DC2. We have a terrible time choosing baby names - used up the one boy name we could agree on for DS. We were discussing names again, and managed to find another boy name we both liked. However, DH's sister had always said that she would use this name for her son if she ever has one. She's had the name in mind since she was 14.

Obviously, this could resolve itself if:
SIL has a boy before us, and uses the name
SIL decides she's not having any more kids, in which case we're free to use it
We have a girl next time (we're only planning one more DC)

If neither of those things happen, I don't think we should use the name, at least without talking to SIL. I know I'd be upset if I'd had my heart set on a particular name for years, and then my SIL used it before I could (especially if she knew I planned to use it). There are plenty more names to choose from! DH says it doesn't matter that she likes the name, and we should use it if we want to. But he just doesn't get the idea that she might have been planning it for years!

I realise this is all hypothetical, but just wondering what anyone else would do?

No you're right, it would be really mean to use the name she has had in mind forever.

I truly wouldn't take the name if she's liked it since age 14 for the sake of family harmony if nothing else.

Here's your solution.

Stop worrying about something that may never even be an issue.

Your sister may have girls (in which case she might actually LIKE it if you use the name)
You may have a girl

Don't waste your life thinking about stuff like this and just get on with the business of living.

Yay, everyone agrees with me!

Don't worry, Red, I'm not exactly losing any sleep over it!

I wouldn't use it. I'd be gutted if my SIL did that, though I wouldn't say so to her! What's the name? Perhaps we could give you more suggestions?

That's the thing - SIL has said many times that this is the name she loves. She knows we know. We couldn't plead ignorance. She'd be within her rights to be upset - I would be if it was the other way round.

I'll come back closer to the time for alternative suggestions, I think!

Thing is how upset would you be if you didn't use it for a boy then she had a boy after you and didn't use it either!

I wouldn't be all that bothered, as we'd have come up with something else we liked by then.

Normally I'd say stuff along the lines of "nobody owns a name" and "first come, first served". But, when my sister had her DD - years before I even considered having DC- she held off using a girl's name she knew I liked. I was very touched, particularly since when I did have a DD, I didn't use it.

I wouldnt use it. Very mean when she has always liked it. If you do use it then she would be well within her rights to use it too, which wouldnt be great. Why do something that would cause bad feeling when there are plenty of other names you can come up with.

Yeah, no way would I use it. You're definitely right, OP!

Don't do it. A family member did it to me and I still resent them.

If the situation arises I think it's OK to talk to her about the dilemma.

• it's possible she isn't going to or can't have any more and if so would like to have a nephew with that name
• could it be that this name has more than one nickname e.g. one cousin is Alexander known as Alex and one is Alexander known as Xander (in which case she should get first pick)

Tbh I decided against giving my son the name I picked out for him age 14. I felt that I had spent so long fantasising about this putative future human that it wouldn't be fair to impose that fantasy on a real human being so chose a different name so that 14-year-old-fantasy could stay safely imaginary.

I wouldn't use it.

Don't use it

I know what names my SILs plan on using and I just wouldn't go there - equally I would be pissed off if they used the name they know has been my favourite forever

I had DD's name decades ago. If someone in my family had used it I would have been gutted. You could talk to her about it though.

My sil used the name I would have used for dd2.

We chose a different name which turned out to be far less common than the one sil chose.

I wouldn't use it.

You will find another one. We can help

Could you tell us what it is and we can suggest similar?