Name wars all opinions very welcome urgently as due today

[Kent1982]

Hi

I am due today and have a name I really like and was approved by my partner, the problem has arisen that a relative of his died last week and he now wants to name it after them, so that's a first name and last name. I like the sentiment of it I really do but actually I don't like the name, I'm fine with it as a middle name but he is fixed on it as a full name. He has even told people that's what we are calling the baby. I don't want the child to have the full name of someone else.

How can Get out of this one as I wanted a name that wouldn't make one half of the extended family appear more important than the other. I'm also slightly resentful as previously I suggested a middle name as a relative of mine and his family were really rude about it and upset me. I know it's only a name but they are treating it as some sort of naming, carrying on the name etc etc

Does anyone have any suggestions what I can do without looking like the big bad witch disrespecting them

I wouldn't mention it again until the moment after the baby is delivered, which will be a huge amount of effort on your part............. {no kidding sez you} after the baby is born, while they're doing the agpar score, say how is [insert your name]

You say partner, not husband so just tell him 'in my family it's tradition that the father only names his eldest son after his father if the member of our family is married to him. That's our tradition.

I presume the baby will have his granddad's sur name (via son) even though you are not married? If that is correct then ignore his family.

Tell them, any more comments and the baby will have your sur name which I think is a better idea as you can change it to his sur name later if you get married but you cannot change it back to your sur name if you split up, so the logical thing to do is to give the baby your sur name

I think offering to make it the middle name is fair enough, and totally reasonable. Your child is an individual, their own person, so giving them their own name rather than that of a dead relative, however loved, is a natural thing to want to do.

I wouldn't be pushed into it because of the relative passing. I'd be hard pushed using it as a middle name.

Don't let them bully you into it !

Ps if you are not married, you have to be present at registration so he literally cannot name the baby after his father if you do not agree to it. You have the right to say no. You have the right to say no to the sur name as well! So that gives you power. So much power that it's not even worth rowing about it.

Hope the baby arrives soon!

Make sure you register your baby, then you can give your name choice.

And point out to your partner that the person who goes through the discomfort of pregnancy and the pain of giving birth gets to choose!

Don't do anything silly like threaten to register the baby without him - posters suggesting that do you realise that would mean the father wouldn't be on there at all?
Just put your foot down. You agree to a middle name tribute but that's it. Don't engage in an argument, just repeat, your child, you will have a decision in the name, you don't agree to this name. End of discussion.

Also; the idea that men will fall at the woman's feet and allow her whatever name she chooses after watching her give birth doesn't apply to sexist bullies. Not saying that's the OP's partner, but it's advice that is trotted out on here all the time and its unhelpful to many women whose partner wouldn't behave like that.

I would reiterate that you are agreeing to use it as a middle name but that is it. Then refuse to discuss further - as pp have said YOU are the one that will be registering the birth.

I didn't suggest that she go without the baby's father.
I reminded her that the baby can start out with her sur name and later take the fathers but it cannot take its father's name and then revert to mother's. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way round.

My x was a sexist bully and I think have giving birth would have been my best chance of him agreeing to the name I liked but I have always felt I didn't seize the right moment. I did the right thing and didn't want to capitalise on the moment. He had no such qualms of course. Then the moment passed and it was back to the usual status quo of me having no power and him having all the power. But we weren't married and I had more power than I realised. He "made" me give the baby his sur name, and the name he liked, but I could have gone to the registry office either 1) on my own (and there's no reason that that is silly, it's an option)
2) I could have gone with him but when the registrar asked me if I was certain that I wanted to give the baby his sur name not my own I could have spoken up.

So............... even if we're talking about a very dominant partner, especially if that's who we're talking about, then the OP needs to be aware of what power she does still retain.

Don't be walked over.

See your all understanding my argument on this one, I've been totally mental for the full 40 weeks so I keep thinking I'm the one being unreasonable but I do think that when it comes and I have done all the hard work I will just put my foot down and say no.

Whats even more odd is that he wasn't what I would consider to be very close, and doesn't know a great deal about them. When I wanted the middle name of my gran I saw her every day for my whole life and knew her as well as my own parents so I thought it seems fairly reasonable.

This child will remain nameless until he submits lol

Ps if I can hold it in another week he might be feeling less emotional about the name and see the error of his ways.

I know it's really petty as it is only a name but it's cheering me off. Which is not that hard at the moment

Sounds like it's a bit of a knee jerk reaction brought on by grief/shock, especially if your partner wasn't particularly close to this relative. Which is all the more reason not to go ahead with it.

Actually Ehric she can attend on her own and STILL have him registered. He simply fills in a statuary declaration which you can get of the Gov.uk website where he states he's the father and puts all his details in. It Has to be witness by a solicitor I believe but that enables him on the certificate without being present

'We've agreed on the first name. X name won't be used as I don't like it. However, I'm ok with it going in as a middle name if that's what you really want. By the way, all this upset has shown me that you're surprisingly willing to act in an unfair and controlling manner about stuff that we should be in agreement on, and how disrespectful and interfering your family are. So, I'll definitely be giving the baby my surname, just in case. We can always change it to yours when we either get married or your family learn to butt the fuck out. How does that sound?'

My son has my surname and so will this one on the pure basis of that I'm not married, I don't want my babies having a different last name when I'm the one doing the GP visits/School/Nursery Ect

It's only been a week since his father died so he's probably in a bit of a grief fog, even if they they weren't close. Maybe even especially as they weren't close. He might think this is his way of publicly declaring how much he cared about his dad.

But that doesn't mean he gets to dictate your child's name. Tell him as sweetly and gently as possible that you've both already decided on the name but that you're happy to include his father's name as a middle name.

Your baby is his own new person, not a memorial for his deceased grandfather.

Squoosh it's not the father that has died. It's a relative (not well known either)..

I'm a dimwit, I completely misread the OP!

In that case a plain and firm 'no' is all that needs to be said.

Sylvanian has got it spot on!