39w and having a wobble about using MIL's name as middle name

[Narkyknickers1]

My 2nd daughter is due next week and all along we've planned to use MIL's name as her middle name, I like the way the names flow and do like my mil, it was my idea as she doesn't see as much of dd1 as my own Mom and it was a way to make her feel more included.

However recently I've become a bit resentful and I don't know if it's just hormones or a valid reason.

As I mentioned earlier she doesn't see that much of dd1, maybe every couple of months, dd1 is 2 and in all that time they've been to our house once even though we've said hundreds of times they are welcome whenever they want. We always have to make the effort to go there, it's only a 30 minute drive and Fil has a car. They manage to get to their caravan most weekends and out and about doing things they want and it's starting to grate.

I know they love dd and spoil her when they see her, well MIL does, Fil says hello then sits there messing around on his laptop hardly speaking, that's a big part of the resentment, my own Dad died suddenly shortly after dd1 was born, he was desperate to be a Grandad and was totally thrilled, it makes me want to shake my pil, they don't realise how lucky they are, my Dad would've given anything to see her grow up. If this baby had been a boy I'd have used Dad's name and now I'm thinking I'd like to use his Mom's name as her middle name instead.

I haven't told my dh my feelings as it sounds spiteful and childish to say I don't want to use it because they never make the effort, he was really pleased when I suggested using his Mothers name.

If, when she's born, she "doesn't look like a [insert MIL's name]" then you could suggest the other name without it being an issue perhaps?

Would the two names work together so Dd2 has two middle names? We ended up doing this so as not to cause a rift in our families.

I thought about using 2 names but I'm not keen on lots of names, plus it still wouldn't get rid of my feelings of resentment as she'd still have the name and I don't feel MIL deserves any kind of acknowledgement.

It may all be hormones and bad timing as it's coming up to the 2nd anniversary of Dad's death but I can't shake it and if I do use it I'm worried I'll always regret it, over the last month my husband has mentioned to them 3x about them coming over here and they haven't, I'm feeling pretty huge and don't really fancy the trip over there plus a couple of hours visit.

Another thing that wound me up was just before Christmas dd had chicken pox and was quite poorly with it, we had to cancel a visit to them and they never even bothered picking up the phone in the following days to see how she was.

I really don't know if I'm being spiteful or if my feelings are valid and using my own Nan's name would be a better option.

I think your feelings are valid and I can see why you would feel resentful. Yes, hormones don't help but your MIL is hardly selling herself as Grandma of the year. If I had to use it, in your circumstances, I would go for (first name) (middle name named after my Mum) (MIL name) (Surname).
Is your Mum/Nan acknowledged anywhere in the other middle name? We are giving MIL's first name and my Mum's maiden name as the two middle names if we have a girl thus acknowledging my Mum and Nan. Luckily my Mums maiden name is along the lines of Taylor ie it could be a 1st name.
I would talk to your husband. Just say I'm feeling a bit resentful re their lack of interest and sad about my Dad. You don't have to decide now but if you thrash it out with DH you will eventually find a solution.

Have you told your MIL that DD will have her name as a middle name?

We gave our dd1 MILs name as a middle name, initially my suggestion, but started to regret it soon after dd was born as towards the end of pregnancy and after the birth and tbh since she displayed some pretty self centred, trying and precious behaviour.

If you haven't told her you were going to use it, choose another name. Tell your OH that you want your dd to have her 'own' identity or something.

We haven't told MIL about using her name, tbh it was when dh was on the phone to her the other day that made me realise how uncomfortable I felt about it.
They were talking about her and dh covered the mouthpiece and quietly said to me "shall I tell her about the name?", it didn't feel right and I shook my head.

I agree I do need to tell him about my doubts, he's a very kind person and I know he'll let me change the name, in a way it'd be easier if he was likely to get the hump.
He was equally devastated about Dad so I know he wont mind me using Dads mothers name.

I think anyone (including your MIL) would think it is lovely you are able to use a name connected to a loved one you have lost

Did you use any family names for Dd1? Has any precedent been set that might lead her to expect her name to be used this time?

Oh I could cry for you.

My mum died suddenly, having known PFB (although they don't remember her), & before PSB arrived.

Even that didn't jar my PILs into getting off their bloody arses and seeing their GC as much as poss.

And it bloody hurts, doesn't it?

I would say go with your dad's mum's name or a female version of his even?

Don't use it. Naming children 'after' anyone just ends up potentially creating mass offence and resentment all round - potentially in this scenario, you'll be resentful and hate half your daughter's name, your own mother will feel slighted at being passed over for another grandmother who is much less involved, and your PILs will be convinced that their relative lack of effort with your children is fine and dandy because 'Hey, you named your baby after MIL!'

Give your daughter a completely new name all of her own, with no references to family members, dead or alive.

Sorry about your dad, OP.

what a difficult situation. i completely understand why you are cross and don't feel that MIL deserves it.

just to play devil's advocate - how does your DH feel about it? if it means a lot to him, then you might be able to get on board with it for his sake, and it's simply his choice rather than anything to do with her. however, if he isn't actually that bothered, then you could probably say without much difficulty that you've thought about it, and there's just too many family members, so you'd rather a clean slate?

very sorry about your dad. i lost my mum very suddenly a few years ago, and now i'm newly pg with my first (and quite possibly only at 37!), it's really beginning to hit me what she and i will both be missing out on x

ps: by "she" i mean my mum, not the bean - no idea what that is yet!

Your resentment sounds totally justified to me. But the gesture of naming your daughter after your MIL seems like one you previously thought important and is perhaps worth doing for your partner and your daughter if not for yourself. I suggest using both your mums' names. That's what we are planning to do - one from each side. I have never met my outlaws as they live on the other side of the world but still want to make them part of the child's identity and heritage. I have two middle names - one from each side and I think it's nice. I can't see any reason to honour one and not the other.

how will your mum feel if you haven't used her name at all? I'm guessing that you have same surname as your husband - ie you have taken on their family surname for both of you and all your kids? this was my rational for not using my FIL's name as my second son's (though with hindsight having a third son i wished we had as it wouldm't have used one of the limited we agreed on)

This just wouldn't be an issue for me - no way wd I name my child after someone i resented. Just tell your dh how you feel.

Updating.

Dd2 was born 2 weeks ago and I went with my heart and used Dad's Mom's name as her middle name and not MIL's.

I feel so much happier about it, I did tell dh about not wanting to use it and he was fine, he understood that I wanted a nod to Dad and didn't mind not using his Mom's name at all.

It also confirmed my decision when the inlaws visited us, it took them a week to bother making the half hour trip even though we'd told them they were welcome as soon as we got home the following day, they arrived an hour late and his Dad never even held her
It really upset me, my own Dad would've given anything to have held her, I was in tears after they went, out of hurt and anger.

His Mom was a bit better and although she did hold her for half an hour she spent most of it either looking at the telly or the clock.

Today is the 2nd anniversary of Dad dying so it's all pretty raw and I know I'm probably hypersensitive but I'm so glad I changed my mind about using MIL's name, I don't really believe in an afterlife but on the off chance there is one I know Dad would be thrilled that she had his Mom's name and that gives me a bit of comfort.

Good for you , frankly I'd stop worrying about your Inlaws ,let them make some effort and if they don't bother then it's their loss ,I actually feel a bit sorry for your DH as he probably wants them to make more of an effort . My dad died before we had our dc and my FIL never made any effort with the dc and it did grate on me . Congratulations on your new baby .

I agree Floral, I do feel sorry for dh as he must feel the same, it's the elephant in the room.

When the IL's were here I looked at him and thought to myself how did he end up so thoughtful and kind and so into his kids with parents like them, when I got upset he'd gone out, he doesn't know and I wont say, they're his parents and I'd never slag them off to him.

Sorry to hear about your Dad too.

I actually welled up when reading this post. Very sorry about your dad. I'm glad you changed the name. Your DH sounds like a lovely caring man, and you're obviously a very understanding pregnant lady lol it's awful when PIL's aren't interested. But at the end of the day it's their loss. Congratulations on the birth of your baby girl x

You and your DH sound so lovely. What lucky little girls you have.

I'm so sorry about your Dad

Congratulations on little sister to go with big sister :)