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Original poster

Am I being mean?

26 replies

ClareaBear · 27/03/2014 12:26

Hi all

I'm in a bit of a pickle. The tradition in my husband's family is for the son's middle name to be the father's first name. It's been going on for generations, but my hubby's name is Bruce...! Mother-in-law had a hatred for nicknames so chose 4 names that could not be shortened (Bruce Ian Jane Claire)

My husband actually doesn't mind if we don't use it, and use his father or grandfather's instead. He agrees it is not the most pleasant name and has always hated it himself! But I'm a bit afraid of offending my father in law who I have a great relationship with. Am I being a bit vain/selfish to want to disturb a family tradition? I'm sure it would get right back on track if my son has a son of his own but I just can't bring myself to like Bruce!

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AuntieStella · 27/03/2014 12:32

It's in the middle, and it could be worse.

And it's your Dh's name. Can you see the link to him rather than the aesthetics? He might be fairly laid back about snubbing it, but he might also be secretly rather pleased at its use.

To could always have more than one middle name to dilute it a bit if that helps.

SolveAProblemLikeMaria · 27/03/2014 12:36

Tricky one! I do agree with AuntieStella that linking it to your DH should make a difference? If he genuinely is ok with not using it then using a grandfather's name seems like a good choice. Or as AuntieStella has said, using two middle names? Bruce is a common surname so you could even have for example Christopher Michael Bruce Watson When people hear it all together they may assume it's part of the surname!

CorporateRockWhore · 27/03/2014 12:38

If he's not bothered and you don't like it, why are you still considering it? FIL had has chance naming his own children, this is your chance, so make it something you really love.

Innogen · 28/03/2014 01:49

Does your DH have a nice middle name?

HopelessDei · 28/03/2014 13:10

I think it's time to stop the "tradition". It's stupid and narcissistic and only ever something you get from the father's side. Paternalistic rubbish. Presumably the child will have your husbands surname? That's a bigger desk than a middle name.

You are giving birth, not your PILs. They had their turn for baby-naming.

HopelessDei · 28/03/2014 13:10

Bigger deal. Unless he's Mr Desk.

MoreSkyThanWeNeed · 28/03/2014 13:15

Totally agree with Corporate - you and your DP choose the names for your child, not anyone else.

squoosh · 28/03/2014 13:40

I agree with Hopeless, what a load of old hooey. Just because they chose to follow a tradition doesn't mean you have to go along with it.

If the child will have their father's surname that is further reason to say 'fare thee well stupid middle name tradition'.

Blueberrybaby · 28/03/2014 13:52

I'm going to disagree with others who think you should break tradition. I think it is a nice tradition and Bruce is fine. It's not a first name, but it really really could be a lot worse. It's pretty common for children to have middle names from parents, grandparents etc so I don't see this as massively different. Can you add another middle name that you like as well to balance it out? What are you considering for first names?

ShadowFall · 28/03/2014 13:59

My husband actually doesn't mind if we don't use it, and use his father or grandfather's instead.

So you're still thinking of using a name from DH's family even if you don't use Bruce? Given that, I don't quite see how not using Bruce would cause massive upset to FIL. Especially if you went with his father's (FIL) name as a middle name. Surely most grandfather's would be flattered if their name was picked as a DGS's middle name!

bouquetofpencils · 28/03/2014 15:48

Our theory was
Surname dad's side
Middle name mums side
First name joint decision

Although quite like Bruce in itself. Seems Scottish and strong. Wouldn't choose it as a first name but could flow quite nicely as a middle name.

MissHobart · 28/03/2014 22:28

My OH family have that tradition, I don't mind but am starting my own tradition where if we have girls they're getting my name in the middle! Grin I don't have a middle name so this is my chance Wink

figgieroll · 29/03/2014 06:32

I really like Bruce. People are not going to discuss middle names often so it wouldn't bother me

lucidlady · 29/03/2014 06:50

I like Bruce too and as a middle name, it's a bit different. What do you call your husband if you hate his name so much?

BikeRunSki · 29/03/2014 06:54

"Paternalistic rubbish"

No, my family does this with girls.

pilates · 29/03/2014 07:06

What's your husband's middle name?

Agree would sound better as a second middle name but you do need to be happy with the names you give your child.

mathanxiety · 29/03/2014 07:09

My mum's family and most families where she lived in Ireland had alternating names from both sides, and they had to be in a certain order.

capercaillie · 29/03/2014 07:10

Bruce is a nice name.

My husband has the same tradition that we followed. I wasn't best pleased as it wasn't a name I would have chosen. We didn't add a 3rd although I wish we had now (that's with the value of hindsight as we had a girl after - I think I had subconsciously kept boys name for her). I chose her middle name which is a family name for both families plus a lovely name to boot. We agreed that I would choose the middle name for 2nd child.

hunreeeal · 29/03/2014 11:16

My husband actually doesn't mind if we don't use it, and use his father or grandfather's instead.

That's OK then! Ignore everyone else and do what the two of you wish. Other people might grumble a bit, but it's more important to come up with a name that the two of you like. Other people had their turn to choose when they had their own families.

alita7 · 29/03/2014 12:25

the important thing is your child will probably be very unhappy with the middle name Bruce :p

TeWiSavesTheDay · 29/03/2014 12:27

DH has a silly middle name for this reason.

We ditched the tradition and didn't do it to DS. There's been no drama, no one even mentioned it after DS arrived!

alita7 · 29/03/2014 13:45

I don't want to advocate lying but if your really that worried could you christen him x Bruce x but put x what you like x on his birth certificate? that would keep people happy? you don't have to mention his real name to dps parents...

Lesleythegiraffe · 29/03/2014 13:56

It's your baby so I'm a great believer in people making their own choice of name.

Ignore their age-old tradition - use a name that you really like. Just because it's been a tradition in their family doesn't mean it's good or right and you're not under any obligation to follow suit.

Frikadellen · 29/03/2014 14:25

I would use Bruce as a mn. I think we at times should bend to tradition. Add another mn you like and have Bruce as third or perhaps add your fathers name?

SellyMevs · 30/03/2014 23:03

My DH's family do this as well. He has his dad's first name as his middle name and he expects that we will follow this tradition if it's a boy.

I think I would probably feel more strongly about it, but as it is, my married name is actually my mum's maiden name so although I've married into his family, my new surname has very strong family lines on my side. If this wasn't the case, I'd feel unsure about following a tradition that incorporates yet another name from his family, leaving my family out of the picture. Plus any girls we may have won't have the same links as her male siblings. The tradition doesn't sit right with me.

However, instead of making an issue out of it, I've suggested we use two middle names if it's a boy. He still gets to use his name, but I am picking the other middle name after my grandfather. That solution works for us... middle names are normally used infrequently and everyone is happy!