help. hate the name we have chosen.

[Ilovekittyelise]

our son was born on feb 10th. matthew owen was a total.compromise. 3 weeks later and i DETEST it. please help.

Sam and Matt go really well together.

I love Matthew.

But if you hate it then:

Tom
Dan
Joe
Ben
Ed
Ted
Zac

My brothers are Sam and Matt.

They sound like very cool brothers primal. Really great names. (I hope your parents did you the same favour-you're not Doris are you? )

Not too late to change if you want to

Jacob
Ned
Tom
Joe

All good with Sam imo

Sam and Joseph (Joe) sounds lovely to me.

Sorry you are feeling like this.

thanks people. weird how you are all suggesting namesthat were on list (eg toby was serious contender).

feeling confused and a bit off. with my first son i adoredeverything about him, name included, from the outset. this time its all a bit harder. it was an easier birth, and this ones been a keen breast feeder, and i just feel sad really, about not having those experiences with my beautiful first born.

Oh love. I fell in love completely and instantly with my first born - it was a difficult birth and feeding was crap. With dd, I had to learn to love her, it wasn't instant but everthing was easier. Perhaps that was what ds needed and why it was made that way so he didn't feel too left out when she came along.

She's nearly 16 now and although it took a while (she was a difficult lo) I ended up absolutely adoring her and we are incredibly close now and all equally close together.

It's very early days and with the second you have a little more experience and rather than expecting then to mould to you I think you know enough that you have to learn to mould to them.

There's another thread about whether we love them all equally and the conclusion is yes we do, but we accept they are different and sometimes we like one more than another.

Good luck.

Oh, and I've just remembered something awful - dd had to grow into her name and for a while, probably just a few weeks, I couldn't help calling her "fag ash". She was called Alice but a comedian had two characters, Slack Alice and Fag Ash Lil and I just couldn't help it. We called her Lily as a nickname for years - and I might just have outed myself

Sams always have a brother called Max or Zack.

thats so funny! iv been calling him "yoda". nice.

definitely 100% hate the middle name (owen) not sure about what to do overall.

everyone went on about how hard it is having a child, i didnt for a moment find that with first born. and then everyone said your heart doubles in size for the second. again thats not bee quite my experience. sounds awful but the instant adoration hasnt been the same.

I'll tell you a secret. All the other mums tell big fat lies and when your first starts school and they feel more confident they tell the truth but that doesn't help you when you are struggling with two littlies; it just makes you look back and think I wish I'd know that then.

It'll be fine - it'll all start falling into place. It's very very early days and you should just be feeding and loving the big one and snuggling to together when you can and trying to rest and not do too much and not let yourself stress out too much. Could you leave the Matthew and find a better middle name so perhaps he can chose when he's older.

I had horrible PND with my eldest. Crippling, and it started in pregnancy (husband was randomly attacked in the street by a gang when I was 6 months preg. and hospitalised along with several other random victims, and I became pre-natally depressed. Then when DS arrived I just couldn't feel anything except panic he'd die. It took a year before I really loved him). Yet now, he is the absolute centre of my world, and it'll take a little while before his baby sis matches up to his manifold perfections!

PND is a hormonal and biochemical response. It's nothing to do with how you really and honestly feel about your child. Have you been to see a GP? There is help, and I wish I'd accessed some. I was too depressed to take that step, sadly. Toby and I didn't have the best of starts as a result.

If you agreed to the name in a down-hearted, "oh whatever, I don't actually care" misery moment then I'd change it, yes. If you actually liked it but increasingly associate it with the misery you feel in this moment, then it will probably grow on you again as the fog clears. But 3 weeks is very, very early days, so give yourself a little time to adjust to everything.

Ilove... I may be off the mark here but does your newborn look a lot like your older boy did when he was born?

When ds2 was born he was the spit of Ds1 and it took my post natal brain a really long time to register that he was a different baby. Part of how that affected me was that his name felt 'wrong', I kept thinking of him as ds1s name and couldn't match his name to him in my head for a long time. I even accidently introduced him as ds1s name on a few occasions.

He ended up being called Baby alot by the whole family, then Baby Aaron for months. In fact at his 9 month hearing check he wouldn't respond to Aaron but when the doc called out Baby Aaron he turned to look at her

He now fits his name perfectly as he's grown into it, he's very different to Ds1 now and his identity fits his name.

If you really hate the name change it but do make sure it's actually the name that's the problem before making a decision. For what it's worth ds2's middle name is Matthew and it is a lovely name imo

Change it. Do it, nobody will think anything of it, I know people who did it and I quite admired them for it. I think baby name regret is very common but most people just put up with it and hope they'll get used to it.

Never mind what people on here think of the actual name. Choose one with your DH. Better still, go with your own choice - so long as he doesn't hate it.

I think on this matter the mothers choice should come first.

As for how you are feeling - it is very normal!!! Second babies are a different experience, I know I felt the same way as you. I also felt mournful for my first child's babyhood for a long time, looking at the new baby just reminded me of how much he had grown up. For a while I sort of regretted upsetting our happy little trio and worried I had ruined DS1's life. I also took longer to bond with baby 2 - even though he was very very easy to care for.

It's really hard and no-one warned me about the emotional side of it, just the practicalities.

Fix the name, that's the first step.

It will get better x

Oh, and please don't rush off to your GP! You are less than three weeks post-partum, it's normal to still be very emotional, it's hormones and they will stabilize soon.

thankyou so much for your lovely responses.

its re-assuring to know that im not totally alone in how i feel. iv never been someone thats all about newborns and how can a helpless unknown creature ellicit the same feelings as a vibrant, funny toddler that you have been getting to know several years?

i have that same feeling someone mentioned about the baby taking away us being a three. felt that guilt all through pregnancy and worse now i see my emotional first born!

the boys have looked so different at birth. sam was a 7 pounder with giant blue eyes and a full head of curly hair (honestly like proper hair!) & was just adorable in his not looking like a newborn! this one was over 9 pounds, and very baby looking with downy hair.

on the name i never loved matthew, just thought it was ok. owen was decided on way to hospital. i knew dh likedit, theres a few owens in my extended family, and i just wanted the bloody name sorted. in my words "couldnt give a shit about the middle name".

Your experiences are so similar to mine I wish I could come and make you a pot of tea and take the baby for a walk. Just change the name and move on from that bit. Pick one you like and start using it and see what your DH thinks. Try them all out for a few days :)

If you actually still detest it now, you need to change it. You won't be the first, or last, to do so :)

Can both of you write a list of 5 names and go from there?
What names were originally on your separate lists?

Its not too late to change it. One of our DC didn't have a name for 5 weeks. Its early days. Find the name you really want. Is there another you keep coming back to, even if you think you don't love it as much as your DS1's name?

Oh and I completely identify with your feelings on your DSs. I was overwhelmed immediately with DS1, he was just beautiful. DS2 was a bit odd looking (to be kind) and I felt silently shocked that he wasn't DS1 and very guilty that I could think he was a bit less beautiful/special!!! Well he's 5 now and it turns out I love him inside out and back to front and everything in between, just as do DS1.

I felt differently about each of my DCs when they were newborns, although the other way around - my first born I didn't have the overwhelming rush of love towards him that people had told me about, but with my youngest I did. Looking back now I definitely had PND with my first, I don't think it was really severe but I just generally felt a bit 'flat'and didn't have the lovely squishy newborn feeling. It was only after my second baby that I realised what that feeling was like.

The name is obviously important but if I were you is keep in mind that you can change it, you have six Weeks or so to register the birth don't you? I'd concentrate on enjoying him and making sure that you are ok. Maybe try put calling him different names and see if any of them click.

FWIW I've never understood it when people say that when their baby was born he just looked like a William, or a Thomas or whatever. It took me a good while for mine to feel like their names were actually theirs, neither of mine seemed to suit their name as a baby but they really do now they're a bit older.

Make sure you look after yourself.

Joseph joe

Change the name but make the appointment to register him at 6 weeks on the dot. You can actually change his name up to a year after the birth on his certificate via the registry office or by deed poll after that

You'll grow into it.