surname dilemma! What would you do?

[dobedobedo]

Hi,

Ds has the same surname as his dad and his dad and I split up years ago. He's now almost 9 and I have asked him if he wants to take my surname as well, but this upsets him - I think because he doesn't live with his dad and only sees him a few times a year, he's afraid it will hurt his feelings.

Now I'm pregnant and I want my baby to have (new) dh's and my names - double barrelled. (equality with names didn't used to bother me but it does now, I'm more feminist these days!)

But the thought of one baby having my name and ds not, makes me feel sad. It's like I'm favouring the baby (even though I don't obviously). And I don't like the thought of the baby not sharing a last name with ds.

Another option would be to give the baby one of Ds's middle names and Dh's last name. (which is weird, right?) He has two, a very male name and also a unisex name. Both genders covered. So at least they'd share a name link. But I still wouldn't.

Or an even weirder option would be for me to take one of ds's middle names to double barrel with my last name and give the baby the same name to double barrel. So we'd all share a name.

Am I over complicating things or being stupid for letting this bother me? (don't answer, I probably am). What would you do?

It's a tricky one! Do you already use your dh's surname double-barelled, or just your own? To be honest, I would probably give the new baby dh's surname, keep my own and just put up with everybody having different names. It depends how important it is for you to share a name with the new baby. Also, talk to your son about it and get an idea how he feels. If you're open with him about your thoughts he's less likely to feel excluded. Sorry, that's probably not very helpful!

Thanks for the reply! I've thought about giving the baby dh's surname and just putting up with it. It's the simplest option! I've spoken to ds about it and he's not really arsed! But it bothers me for some reason.
I don't share dh's name, but I haven't ruled it out some time in the future.

Could you change ds's name to have your surname put before his dads surname. Then give baby your surname and dp surname but without the double barrelling. That way they'll both have tour surname but also each of their dads surnames as their actual last name. IYSWIM.

Your not tour

I was going to suggest the same as mumof2.

Or you could change your DS's surname (if he wanted) to YourSurname-XHSurname, have baby as YourSurname-NewDHSurname, and either keep your surname or change it (at some point) to YourSurname-NewDHSurname. This way you'll all have parts of your name, as well as having parts of their fathers' names. Also if your DS is worried about offending XH then this option would mean he wasn't "getting rid" of his Dad's name, only adding yours to have it in common with his sibling.

Disclaimer: PLEASE don't do this if you'll end up with a child called Kensington-Longbottom or similar - they'll hate you!

But your DS doesn't want your name, is that right? So it is only you that has a problem with the new baby sharing a name with you and not your DS?

I would give the new baby your name as part of the baby's name. And then bring it up periodically with your DS that you would like to include it in his name too.

Maybe when he is older/becomes fond of baby brother or sister he might really like that idea.

mumof2 ds doesn't want my name. The little bugger! That would make the whole thing so easy. I don't want to force it. It's not even like my name is Bigcock or Wigglebottom so it's not embarrassing. Bowlersarm Yeah it's just me that has the problem and I know it's quite a superficial one to have. It is a good idea to see how he feels once the baby is here. He might feel differently!

Oh, sorry. I thought he was worried to offend his father by dropping his name. I have the opposite problem, dd wants my dp surname when we get married but her dad won't let her change it.

My big two have ExPs surname, the little two have DPs surname and I'm all on my own in the surname stakes. We don't intend to ever get married so it's not really a problem for us.

I like the idea of letting your ds decide if/when he wants to add your name :)

It does bother me that name wise I won't ever be connected to my kids.

We have a three name household. My daughter has her dads name and my partner and I have no plans to marry (waste of money) so we are all different and until now have not really thought much about it.

He's nearly nine - his name is part of his identity. I think you should leave it well alone. I suspect this is more to do with you being a bit anxious about how the new baby will affect your DS than it is about names - fair enough. But you're overthinking the name thing as a sort of displacement.

My oldest DCs have their father's surname. Youngest have Hassled-MrHassled. It's fine - has never caused them angst or any problems.

Hassled you're probably completely right, I know it's my issue.

I'm married but neither my Dh or I changed our names when we got married so we have different surnames. When we had dd she got my name as a third middle name (that won't really ever be used but is there on her birth certificate) and she has DH's surname. It is weird sometimes that I have a different name from her but she has my name as one of her names so we have tha connection.

Could you give you new baby your surname as another middle name, not to use but to be there as a link to you?

His old enough to have an opinion (that you should listen to) but he may not fully understand the idea.
So once baby is here and he sees that they are Baby X-Y and he could be DC X-Z he may want to change it after all.

I put my maiden name into my son's name as a third Christian name. FIL was horrified. Don't care. My family name is dying out. Hoping to start a trend.

Why is he a 'little bugger'? Because he doesn't share your view.
He has his own identity, clearly he doesn't see it as a problem. So you should respect his view, even if he is 9yrs old.

I very much doubt he'll change his mind even once new DC arrived, if you keep pushing it he will resent you and the baby. I'll just leave it.

Re-read my post and your OP. Feel I might have been harsh.

Ultimately I think you shouldn't raise the point again until the baby is several months old. Then mention it and see what he says. If it's still no, I'd just drop it.

I would give baby the double barrelled name, this way if DS ever changes his mind they will share one part of their surname which is lovely. If DS never changes his mind, then no loss because they will never have the same name anyway.

My sister was in a similar position to you. DD1 got her surname as the father was no longer in the picture by the time baby was born.

Then she had DS with her new partner (now DH) and gave him her surname as a middle name and his name as the surname.

By the time DD2 was born (by same husband), she had a change of heart and really wanted the double barrelled surname for pretty much the reasons you stated.

Net result - 3 kids by 2 fathers, all with different surnames, and it doesn't make the slightest difference in any of their lives because they all know who their siblings are and they don't need a piece of paper to prove it.

For what it's worth, I gave my DD and will give all subsequent children a double barrelled name. I like how they share a part of their surname with their cousins, no matter which side they are on. A most importantly, they are 50% me and 50% their Dad, so why not reflect that in their name?