one year on and name wobble continues

[hurricanemum]

I am haunting the name boards tonight as the year deadline for name change is almost up. I am just so fed up of this going round and round in my head and I don't know what to do. Before posting here I have commented on a couple of similar posts so to save myself from getting RSI I am justgiong to paste what I've written elsewhere. Plus I really want to go to bed as the lovely girl in question has not been sleeping well this week! So...here goes...

I had my DD last September. When she was born I was gobsmacked that she was a girl and thought of her as name a - a name that i have always loved but didnt really think went with our surname so had discounted it. we hadn't decided on a girl's name but had bth said we liked name b. Left hospital still with no name. DH told inlaws name b as the almost decided name. Cue my DD1 deciding that she liked that name, inlaws referring to her as that name etc etc. Didn't register until 6 weeks was up. Declared the birth as name a plus MN. went home, DH said it wouldn't have been his choice but fine. Cue major panic attack, sleepless night, imagining horrific-ness of her future life with this name. Next day I drove to where I had DD2 and registered as name b plus MN. Told family, friends etc. One week later I regretted it. At 9 weeks I told DH that I regretted changing. One year later I still don't feel hapy with her name. We baptised her as name b, name a, middle name. I have been suffering from depression since being pregnant. When DD2 was 10 months I finally relented and went on ADs (despite breastfeeding, the reason I didn't want them in the first place). I have been seeing clinical psychologist about this since Jan. It is still very much unresolved for me and I still don't feel happy. Dr is convinced that this issue is fundamental. This summer I felt like I had resolved it and was making a real effort to used registered name. More recently (as the year deadline for changing approaches) I still feel unhappy when I use her name. I just feel it isn't special enough for her (DD1 has v special family name and mn with special sentiment too). I have even though of altering the name change form that the vicar has signed when I take it to the register office. I am telling you all this because I think that it's really hard to know if you are just having a name wobble that will go away, if you have depression and this has just become a fixation or something of the two. The most important thing is that you feel happy when you say her name. I think the decision for me was the hard thing. I could not cope with the weight of the decsision and now I wish I had gone with my gut feeling after I had the most wonderful birth experience and was so happy. Now it's all muddied and sh*tty I feel thagt whatever happens I won't be happy. My DH is very supportive and lovely but we have basically been arguing for the last year and I feel that he has ignored the situation until it gets to a point where he can say (and has said) 'oh it's too late to change it now...'
I have also contemplated changing to a name very very similar to what she is called now just so it is a bit different as I feel that her name as it is is so inextricably linked to this hard period of my life that every time I say it I am reminded of it all. I also can't now think of name a without name b and vice versa.
Hope this all makes sense - I am typing very quickly so sorry for the lack of structure and multiple typos!

Here's an old thread I started in case you want some context

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/baby_names/1813837-Name-envy-and-name-wobbles

Ok. No worries.

Just stick with the registered name and choose a nickname that you can call dc by. Easy.

It could be Peekaboo-Blue or Alice or Charlotte or Button.

A name is just a name on a piece of paper it does not make the person.

(Maybe Peekaboo-Blue might make some people hoik up their judgy pants to jaw level though)

Flip a coin. While the coin is in the air listen to your mind as it will tell you which side you hope it will fall on. Go with that (despite which side is actually does fall on) as that is your true, honest inner feeling. Good luck x

But your baby knows her name already surely?

Just give her a different nickname. Also, said kindly, maybe think about going back to the GP. You are coming across as very unusually anxious about this.

OP so much of what you say rings true for me... I am in a similar muddle and I completely get that sense that no matter what you do now you've somehow spoiled things. I get that, really I do.

Are the names you are hovering between the two you mentioned on your old thread? M and A? I love both those names. I honestly don't think you could go wrong with either as they have a very similar vibe.

Is she currently A then M as middle name? I think that's lovely. Probably doesn't help you though.

Try to imagine you could turn back the clock to the day she was born, before any waters had been muddied at all.

What would you call her?

Do you want someone on here to be tough with you? Really tell you what to do?

I would leave it as it is. She has a lovely set of names. She knows her name. Everyone else knows her name. I think it has become an obsession for you. I think changing it and telling everyone about the change would be very embarrassing and unsettling at this stage and could make you feel even worse about things.

I guarantee your daughter will like her name growing up. You've chosen well. Beautiful names.

That's my advice. But I totally empathise with how you got into this situation, the pressure from others, the depression, the uncertainty. I get it. Just think you need to move on.

(Hug)

I agree with Newbie, good advice.
I do understand some of what you're feeling. We had a traumatic birth experience and we allowed other people to push us into picking names the day I was transferred out of intensive care. Obviously not the best time for clear thinking! Thankfully happy with DS's name but 15 months on, still feel a bit sad about DD's (had twins). I feel a bit like I let her down not picking something special enough. BUT I have learned to see it in perspective, and ultimately it is just a name. Not an ugly or eyebrow-raising name. Actually quite a nice name that everyone else seems to like. DD knows it's her name. I doubt she'll mind it when she's older. So other than a pang when I come across a particularly beautiful name, I know it doesn't really matter in the scheme of things. I hope you can get to that place too.

OP, I remember messaging you about this. Just to let you know you are not alone, thought I was settled and happy with the choice but had another massive wobble yesterday after a family member made a comment re the name.

A then M is lovely. It is as special as DD1's because you have a story to tell her about how you came to choose her name (ie "we had such a surprise to have another girl and then your dad chose the name order because I couldn't decide").

The flow is better with A then M too IMO (hope I've picked up the right names from your other thread!). xx

What's the similar potential new name?

I'd change, if it would make you happy, and give you closure.

I know lots of people who go by their middle names so if you didn't change it but were still unhappy then just call her M, it doesn't matter that her BC says A M.

They're both beautiful names but I do prefer A M to M A.

A M is gorgeous, with many good nn options for the future.

Keep it. Not many names are palindromes!

I just read your original post and her name, if this helps at all, is absolutely lovely. In fact, we wanted it for our DD but friends had already called their DD something else.

I also like your second name and also wanted it for my DD but it was firmly rejected by DH. Your first name is nicer in my view and will absolutely serve your daughter for her entire life. I would honestly leave it as is. I think changing it will cause confusion and she will already know her name. It truly is a lovely name.

I have name regrets all the time about both of my children. I often think, "Damn I should have gone with that name!" but I think I would be like that with whatever name I chose, simply because it's the nature of my personality. My DH on the other hand is absolutely 100% content with the names we chose. I also think names on babies are difficult things and it's takes them a couple of years to grow into them. My 5 month old DD is called Victoria and I do love it but it's a big name for a little baby. I fell in love with it though when we met this delightlful 4-5 year old girl who was called Victoria and it suited her to a tee. So I assume once my daughter grows into her name, it will also be wonderfully suited to her.

I think whatever you choose for a child isn't 'theirs' until they make it so as a toddler/child. The name your DD2 has, is a good name. It's not always the best thing to have a 'different' name. I have one that's on a par with the one you wanted for her first. Nowhere could I get any of that named/personalized badge/pen/mug stuff, and I was the only one of my name in my school. My MUM loved it - I didn't. She will like her name and feel comfortable with it.

Both are lovely names but the one you've given her is nicer. Five of my friends (we've moved around a lot so these are all over the country) have had baby girls in the last year and they have all been called your second choice. Your first choice is classic, but under used.

HTH!

OP the name you have given your daughter is so much nicer than the name you almost gave her.

I can't quite fully articulate how much nicer I think it is. A lot basically.

I don't mean to be harsh here, I really don't. And I can understand your wobbles and I understand having a tiny baby and wanting to change the name. But at a year old, to put it bluntly, it's nothing to do with you anymore. It's her name, she recognises it and responds to it and to change it now would be very confusing to her and not fair.

The name she has is gorgeous and classic and not a name that anyone is going to point and laugh at, you just need to get past this yourself. I really don't mean to be hard on you. I just think that the time for action has passed.

I'm going to buck the trend here and say that this has clearly upset you for a long time, and if you're really not happy you should change her name. You've given this a whole year, so it's clearly not a knee jerk reaction. She will adapt very quickly.

Hi, I really, really feel for you as I was in a very similar position for about the first year after having my DS1. I felt rushed into giving a name,when I shouldn't have done, so DS1 was given a very "normal", inoffensive, possibly outdated name and I just didn't think it suited him or was special enough either. I just could not get used to it and regretted not going with another choice which I think would have suited him. My DP was less understanding and wouldn't consider a name change as he said I would have been exactly the same (i.e. undecided /regretful with any other name and to be honest I think he was right - I think you are possibly a bit like me and would have been having this dilemma regardless of what you had chosen. Something that helped me was when I read that each baby gets a "naming" angel and that there is a reason you go for a particular name - yes it's a bit "hippy dippy" which I'm usually not, but that actually helped me resolve the issue in my head in a way and that the baby was given that name for a reason.

My DS is 3 now, and totally "his" name and I (very, very rarely) ever think about my name regret and I'm glad I didn't go with the 2nd choice now (so darn it, DP was right!). Something also changed when DS was able to say his name out loud as well - it just felt right and obviously very cute!

Personally I think both of the names are beautiful and the one you've given your daughter is the most classic and underused - I am hearing of a lot more baby girls with the other name and it looks like it will just get more popular.

You've got some options anyway however - either just start using her middle name, or using nicknames for either the first or second name. I wouldn't formally change her name now as I think it would be a bit confusing for her most importantly. It is beautiful as it stands and believe me she will "grow" into it - just imagine her as a happy confident 3 yr old, a 16yr old or going off to uni, or a mother herself and that might help you see it differently.

I know how you feel OP! I'm in the same position - my daughter is 1 and I also feel that the name I gave her is not my favourite girl's name. But it is my DH's favourite and a nice classical name (think Royal names). I'm thinking of choosing a unique nick name for her rather than name changing. I'm still a bit resentful towards my DH as I feel he rushed me into the name choosing when I was pregnant, but I think now it's time to let it go and move on...