names you're asked NOT to use

[cuillereasoupe]

I recently told my sister the name we were planning for our boy, due in October, because I remembered she had an ex called it about 15 years ago, just so she could get used to the idea. She initially said she was fine with it but then rang back three days later to say no, actually, she wasn't, he was a seriously abusive arsehole - much more than she let on at the time - and she really doesn't want us to use it.

I know it's our decision when it comes down to it, but would you use a name someone had specifically asked you not to?

In this case, I wouldn't use it. Especially if you currently have a good relationship with your sister.

I think calling you and asking you not to was a big deal, ignoring her would be horrible.

it would depend on how much i loved the name,if i really loved the name then i would just find a nice way of saying tough titties.

I wouldnt use it. i think id struggle massively if my sister called her child the same as my abusive ex. thee are millions of names out there, id pick another one.

It's rather hard on you, but I wouldn't use it in this case.

Did you ask her permission to use it, or did you just tell her that was the name you had chosen?

If you asked her and she said no then you shouldn't use the name. If you have told her and she has said she doesn't want you to use it then I probably would still use it tbh.

Interesting range of views.

Choosing it in the first place was very complicated because DP and I are from different cultures and need something that works in both, so options are fairly limited. But to be honest I can't see us using it now: like JJS said, I'd not take kindly to it if she used my twattish ex's name for her boy. I honestly thought it was all so long ago she'd be fine with it, but I think it probably was quite hard for her to come out and say just how awful he'd been.

We have a back-up, but I don't love it nearly as much

October is aaaages away, you've time yet.

I would be sensitive and think of something else. Sounds like something awful may have happened with her ex.

The trouble is OP you're going to be drawn more and more towards it! Or at least i was drawn to names I couldn't use. Not helpful, sorry.

It's too late now, but that is the danger of sharing name choices before introducing the baby and it's name at the same time.

Is there a similar name you could use? Leo/Liam Max/Matt, that sort of thing?

I suppose I'm glad I did ask in this case Bowlersarm. At least this way she feels she can say something she obviously feels very strongly about.

Can't think of anything obviously similar that a) works as well in both cultures b) that I like enough to contemplate using and c) DP likes too. Still, we've got another six weeks to mull it over!

Someone saying 'I hate that name, a stupid ex was called that' falls into the tough titties category for me. But someone saying that an abusive ex, a relationship that is probably still causing ongoing trauma, I would respect their feelings. As this will be your DS's aunt, I would hate to know that it was upsetting her a lot every time she heard the name.

The is no name I would love enough to say tough titties to my sister 're an abusive ex. There are thousands of names -chose anothrer

As the ex was abusive then I wouldn't use it. But my dsis had a twat of a boyfriend for three months when I was pregnant and we had already decided on our name for a boy. She did not want us to use it and we had a DD so all was well. DS is called the name but she got married in between so I didn't feel that she had any right to veto the name any more. But her ex was not abusive and was one of many, many boyfriends!

I sort of agree with everyone else but on the other hand, if you do use it she will begin to associate the name with her beautiful nephew rather than her nasty ex. Also, what if she meets the man of her dreams and he happens to have the same name? Is she going to give up on happiness with ideal man simply because he shares a name with said ex? I don't think she would so on that basis, I'd still use the name. I know it sounds nhorrible but I honestly think it would not be long before the name becomes the baby's rather than the ex's.

We decided to call DS2 after my grandad but thought we'd better check with my Dad before, even tho it's our policy not to 'check' names with family, just to announce them after the birth. Am so glad we did as my dad said he'd be really uncomfortable with it as his dad didn't like his name. Not the same situ at all, but we're really glad we didn't and found another name we loved even more just in time for DS birth. You'll find another name you love, although I can appreciate it's not easy!

I definitely wouldn't use the name. It sounds like she initially agreed as she didn't want to let her issues with her ex get in the way of you using a name you love but the fact she rang you back and said 'please don't use it' means the name clearly has brought back a lot of bad memories.