Would it be heartless to use this name?

[Iris1]

So Im pregnant and mulling names - don't know the sex.
In a tough situation as my SIL has recently suffered two losses and its cut her up big time. I had a miscarriage myself but still feel so guilty about being pregnant when she's not.
Anyway for a girl I love the name Eliza, really truly love it have done for as long as I can remember. I have never spoken to SIL about the name Eliza but know if she had a daughter she would want Elizabeth as its a family names although she would use Betty all the time.
I would also want Elizabeth as I like full names but for the most part she would be Eliza.
Am I being heartless - is it horrible to consider using that name?
I feel it is and I already feel bad enough but cant shake it that I love the name Eliza. What if I never have another daughter and in future she has only son's so neither of us use it? I would be gutted.
Not sure what to do, the plan would be to broach it with her nearer the time if we decide we definitely want to use it but I dunno if I should just push it from my head.

Anyone ever had a similar situation?

I personally wouldnt use the name, I wouldnt ask her either as she may well just say yes its fine to avoid any fall out, time heals and all that but you dont ever stop hurting, if your sil is regular in your lifes she will be reminded of what she has lost.

You have had a hard time yourself and I understand its hard for you too, but in this situation I would not use the name, please dont feel guilty about being pregnant either, enjoy every moment.

I had a stillborn baby at 5 months and named her Dino (well not really, but I'm not sharing her name!). A friend was due a few weeks before my due date and happily called one day to say, "We've had a baby. She's called Dino."

I felt like I'd been hit by a bus and still can't speak to them, even after having another baby since (someone above almost suggested that your SIL would be fine once she'd had a baby. Um, no, you don't get over it that easily!) I am not sure how I am ever going to see them face to face and have to see a little girl not only the same age as my DD1 is supposed to be but with the same name.

That's so sad Dino. Did your friend know you had used that name for your baby? Very insensitive if they did.

I think in this case it's best if you find another name.

No of course you can't use it.

It will always remind her of her lost daughter if you do, whatever she says when you put her on the spot.

Because if you ask her, that's what you will be doing:

"SIL, please let me use your lost DD's name - it is ok, isn't it?" With a pleading look.

If she says no she will always remember that you asked her. That you wanted to use the name. That you tied your joyful occasion in with her painful loss in a thoughtless way.

And if she says yes it will most likely be due to feeling she has to.

Don't put her in that position. Unless you don't give a shit about her, of course.

dinosnores I'm so sorry for your loss and to hear that your friend did that.

OP it might also be worth considering that your SIL may become pg again soon and your lo will then have the wonderful opportunity to grow up really close to their cousin. It would be a real shame to spoil that for the sake of a name.

kendodd, yes they did. When I spluttered, "You've called her Dino?!", she said, "Yes, we know you two like the name too!" Well, yes, that's why we called our dead baby Dino...

No I wouldn't. Added to which, I only had one loss and that baby, although early, was given a name by me. No one else knows that name, but I gave one anyway.

X post, sorry Dino, I hadn't read as far as your post.

That's awful Dinosnores. :-( to realise in an instant how little sensitivity for your pain your friend seems to have (or not have).

Dinosnores, so sorry for your loss

Pretty bloody heartless IMO.
Why would you even consider it??

Nope and I wouldn't even consider it, even in my head.
Your sil will be feeling bad enough as it is, without you also taking her future name away and it also makes it look like you have no faith in her conceiving soon by using a name she would use if her dreams come true.
Please don't do it, it would be very selfish and uncaring, there are plenty of other names you could use too.

I need to correct myself - turns out that Eliza and Elizabeth do both derive from the Hebrew.

So, let's help you find another name you like just as much .

Liza?

Oh, and I checked that Liza has a different meaning from Elizabeth/Eliza!

Eliza = God is my vow
Liza = consecrated to God

Liza is still too close I think.

I know it's hard to give up a name you love but to do otherwise would be so cruel.

Fair enough.

Lisa?

Help me out here! Give me something to work with!

I'm on the fence with this one l'm afraid which seems to go against the general tide of opinion on this thread. My reasons are as follows:

Firstly you have always loved this name, possibly even said so in the past so it's not as if you have got the idea from your poor s-I-l and are now considering using it because she sadly never got the chance to. Also as you say you have also suffered the terrible loss of a miscarriage.

Secondly you say you are presuming your s-I-l would use that name if she had a girl, based on it being a family name. So am presuming she has never actually stated that she would. If she had openly stated this would have definitely been her babies name then yes l agree it would now be heartless for you to use it.

Also you say she would use 'Betty' and you would use 'Eliza'. So really you would not be pre-empting her ever using it as that would be ample difference for two first cousins names to differentiate between them.

I am sure also you would have no problem with your S-I-l later on calling her little girl 'Elizabeth' who as you say would be known as Betty.

I agree though that you should call your DD Eliza as a full name as a compromise to leave Elizabeth 'free' for your Dsil. However different the derivatives are that you each would use on a daily basis it would be closing the door on her using Elizabeth as a full name in the future and Betty doesn't really work as full name like Eliza does.

I've had three miscarriages, and have each time "named" the baby, privately, the name I'd been considering whilst I was still pregnant. I wouldn't use those names for a subsequent child, they are the names of my lost babies.
I have a friend who miscarried and named the baby Holly. Another friend unknowingly had a daughter at a similar EDD and named the baby Holly. Even though it was a horrible coincedence and friend 2 did not know, it was deeply hurtful.
To know that it's "her" name and still to use it would be cruel.

I think if she's going to use the name Betty anyway, and these are all hypothetical children we're talking about, I would talk to her about it once you know if you're having a girl or not. But, I would scrap the Elizabeth, with a shortened name of Eliza, and just go for Eliza.

Eliza and Betty are very different names to me, even if they were originally derived from the same name.

I definitely wouldn't use it in these circumstances.

It will upset her and I'm sure that there will be other names that you love just as much once you've made the decision not to use Elizabeth/Eliza.

Hi

That's tricky. I don't think I would use it. I agree with the other messages that there are so many pretty girls names that you could choose from. Good luck!!

I agree with Bakingtins, when I had a miscarriage I'd named the baby privately and wouldn't use the name again for subsequent babies.

A neighbour then had a girl with the same name a few months later and it really hurt.